The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank  
AuthorPost
bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 440
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I'm not as happy with the chorus as I was when I posted this. While I am pretty sure of the structure remaining the same, the words (and even the lyrics, lol) of the chorus are almost surely going to change. Expect lots of edits on this one...suggestions appreciated. Thanks,

Bunny

UPDATE: took suggestions ...and man do iappreciate them..and reworked the chorus into what i had originally envisioned musically...and havent been able to get the tune out of my head. This sings well with it. Love the lyrics reworks... thanks for all the for all the reads and helps.

Bunny


Guilty as a Man Can Get

V1
I said your Honor, I did it
Throw the book at me, get with it
It was a crime of passion and i have no regret
It just happened, wasnt tryin
Swear on the book im not lying
But Im Guilty, guilty as a man can get

Chorus
Guilty of scheming
Guilty for dreaming,
And if loving her is crime.
Im not lying
Im testifying
That I wanna be with her doing time.


V2
Gimme torture, gimme the chair
Whenever I'm with her I'm walking on air
If you call me out of order I'm gonna object
I stole her heart without remorse
Sentence me to life with her with no recourse
Cause I'm guilty,yeah, guilty as a man can get

Chorus

Bridge
Begging you for mercy, and asking pretty please
Lock my heart up with hers, and throw away the keys

Instrumental

V3
I stole her heart, without remorse
So, sentence me to life with her without recourse
And if you call me out of order I'm gonna object
Just sign the papers, make the deal
Her love is something ill never appeal,
Cause I'm guilty, guilty as a man can get,yeah

Chorus

I'm guilty, guilty as a man can get
I'm guilty, guilty as a man can get.


© Copyright 2019 John Parrish

Last edited on Tue Sep 3rd, 2019 12:35 am by bunnythesinger

cmaja
Member


Joined: Fri Mar 22nd, 2019
Location: Kennewick, Washington USA
Posts: 990
Favorite Artist: Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Keith Urban, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Hi Bunny,
Another great lyric! Try this for a chorus:

If justice was water, I’d be all wet
I’m guilty for dreaming, guilty for scheming
If thoughts were a crime, I’d be doing time
I’m guilty of having her always on my mind
Yes, I’m guilty as a man can get

You may want to also add a chorus after V3.

Charles

bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 440
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I like it Charles. Gonna sing it through in bit and try the chorus after v3. Bunny thanks!!!

LongShadows
Member


Joined: Wed Jul 18th, 2012
Location: Portland, Oregon USA
Posts: 254
Favorite Artist: CSNY, Dylan, Paul Simon, Yes, Tull, the Who, Floyd, Patti, ...
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Nice call, Charles, I was tripping over that last line of the chorus, too. Your fix is similar to what I was going to suggest.

Bunny, I love this one. I'm a sucker for the AAB rhyme scheme and you use it well, here.
Also like the bridge a lot. I'm also a sucker for clever rhyming.

bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 440
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Thanks, Gregg. This was one those middle of the night writes where you hear something on tv that bursts the dam.. in this case scrolling through the news channels trying to get news about the hurricane... but. I heard hes as guilty as can be. And i thought guilty as he could get. Grabbed the ipad and started typing.lol

Bunny

jdtaper
Member
 

Joined: Sun Dec 25th, 2016
Location: Milwaukee, USA
Posts: 343
Favorite Artist: Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, Garth Brooks
I am a: Singer/Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Really clever lyrics! Not sure if this was meant as a ballad, mid-tempo or rocking up-tempo song. What do you think? Great song, either way! :)

bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 440
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Definitely up tempo is how i sang it in my head... would probably translate to a baladbthough..thanks

Bunny

RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6482
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Yep, got some solid foundations to work from here!
I particularly liked:
Lock my heart up with hers, and throw away the keys

In terms of your chorus, I'd be tempted to build on the word "guilty" along the lines of:
Guilty, guilty of dreaming
Guilty, guilty for scheming
and maybe lead with that.
I'm not convinced about the "If justice was water" part, but if you want to keep that I would put it just before the "guilty as a man can get" line to emphasize the rhyme.

bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 440
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Yep, thanks RDM, this one's definitely not finished in my book yet...i like the suggestion... playing with it for sure...hoping to keep power on during the storm so i can write this week. Thanks again,

Bunny

bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 440
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I updated the chorus in the original post to save space. Thanks everyone. Bunny

SongWriterJoe
Member


Joined: Thu Mar 22nd, 2018
Location: Eugene, Oregon USA
Posts: 261
Favorite Artist: Randy Travis, Garth Brooks, The Monkees, The Beatles, Santana, 3 ...
I am a: Singer/Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Nice. Small world tho. I wrote a similar one I'll post a bit later called "That's It.. I Give Up! (I Willin'ly Surrender)"

bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 440
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Thanks Joe...I'm not really suprised about a similar song. It's a ripe subject. Look forward to reading. Thanks

Bunny

Andrea
Moderator
 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 1591
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
It's fun and definitely upbeat IMO. Clever little story. Nice job.

bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 440
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Debuted this one Tuesday night at a Songwriters Pull and had the whole room playing along by the time I hit the second verse...very uptempo and bluesy... was glad it went over so well.

Thanks, Bunny

M.P. Dudash
Contributor


Joined: Mon Apr 24th, 2017
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 1262
Favorite Artist: George Jones, Coe, Twitty, Paycheck, Gosdin, Daryle Singletary
I am a: Other
Status: 
Offline
Nice one Bunny. I like the courtroom aspect.

bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 440
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Thanks MP, glad you enjoyed it.

Bunny

SongWriterJoe
Member


Joined: Thu Mar 22nd, 2018
Location: Eugene, Oregon USA
Posts: 261
Favorite Artist: Randy Travis, Garth Brooks, The Monkees, The Beatles, Santana, 3 ...
I am a: Singer/Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Hey bunny, I waited awhile, but, per your request, check my new posting "That's It! I Give Up!!"


UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.2060 seconds (21% database + 79% PHP). 27 queries executed.