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Invincible love (hearts on a string)
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 Posted: Mon Feb 17th, 2020 02:17 pm
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Andrea
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I have been going through both versions and here are my thoughts.

I agree V1 is not the strongest (I rewrote this so many times trying to find the right words. I agree it still is not great. but, I too like when our hearts first entwined, so would like to use that). I am not able to hear just "[when our hearts first entwined x2]" as the start/ lead in. I might prefer something more for an intro.

In the chorus, I like the changes you made. But I would say is rather than was: Love is our key

In this verse:

Holding hands
And each other’s backs
We stood strong
When life threw us off track
Our love let colours rose out of the black
Yeah, there‘re colours where it once was black

The first thing I see now is that the syllable count is off (it was for my lines too). I am fine with rewriting my lines, but I am not sold on these lines yet. I will think some more on these.

I like how you took the " we were very good..." verse and made it into a bridge. I like the way you wrote it too.

And lastly, you changed "I'm forever yours" to Be forever yours. I am not sure if it is that much different, and the last line should then say you'll be forever mine. I probably wouldn't change it.

Hope to hear your thoughts again. I hope we can work on this some more :)



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 Posted: Mon Feb 17th, 2020 03:06 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey glad u liked some of my input. I’m not really sold to the „black“ line either. Last night it sounded more glimmering...to me. but I’ll keep it in mind trying to find something better.
I changed your bullets into steel...dunno if u noticed that, but I thought to myself that bullets is not really a symbol I would like to have in a „love“ song like this....cough
Yap I put the love was our key line in the chorus just to keep it as simple in the „picture“ you painted around it with your lines.
Im glad that you enjoy the c-part or bridge if u wanna call it so. I thought why wasting good material if u only need to put it down in a new order...to give it a bit more solid ground in your message. Or maybe because this is just my style of doing it 😅😉
Same goes for the lines at the end of the lyrics...be forever...gives it more time to take a breath... when u sing it...I mean.... „be forever yours....(stop, get the simple but significant message ....) and your forever mine...kausal but strong brick for your whole message....
the lines as Intro and ending ...Well i just thought it makes the whole thing a bit more....round... cause I think it’s a great line and it would be a pity if it’s only one single time in. But of cause that’s your song... 😉



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 Posted: Mon Feb 17th, 2020 10:41 pm
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Andrea
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RK, I didn't notice the change to steel, but I like it.

Is this too goofy to replace zodiac and black?

Nothing could make us crack
Yeah, nothing could make us crack

I liked the idea of mending cracks, a strong base/foundation.

Or, something like weathered storms, together intact...

Last lines: I think I am having a gramatical issue. How about?

Be forever yours
Be forever mine

As for the beginning. V2: baring our souls was a continuation of V1. Starting with baring our souls seems out of place to me. I haven't thought of an alternative,or a way around V1, but I will keep thinking.

Do you sing? Maybe you have a tune in your head that would me?

Thanks again for all the help :)



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 Posted: Mon Feb 17th, 2020 11:39 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey,
LOL seems as if u are a mind reader ... cause I just talk to my mum about you and me working on this piece and in fact I sang a lil of the song (specially the ending) as I have it in mind. Rofl
But today is a bad day for my right ear so that I m hearing myself as if I’m under water. :(

Anyway what about using attack instead of black?
Something like: no matter which trouble attacked....it’s not a 💯 rhyme but maybe it gives u new ideas. I’m also still thinking about those lines 🤔

What u say about the beginning is true, that’s why I came up with the idea of those 2 backing intro lines. U open with these....have your climax when the lead vocal sings this phrase again....then u can take a breath and sing „be forever yours-and you’re forever mine“.... to me this has the breathing character that gives the whole topic of the song a stronger meaning.
But.....that’s just lil me, in the end it’s yours and u decide what u wanna have there!
Greetings from mum and me!
Ps: it’s not work for me....it’s joy to finally found someone I can do this with!



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 12:02 am
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Andrea
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I get the plugged ears too. For me it is allergies. If you can sing it, I am game - when you are ready.

I think we may have to settle on those two lines we aren't happy with. Let's each come up with 2 or 3 options and agree on one. I have heard so many "dumb" lines in songs on the radio, so oh well!

I am having a harder time with the beginning, but maybe if I heard your idea for singing it I may be persuaded. I will keep and open mind. I will also keep thinking of a compromise :)

As far as the end goes, it's just gramatical. If I am wrong, then ok.

I will try to produce some more ideas by tomorrow :)



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 12:15 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Well to me because of the Hörsturz I had which is more than just sudden deafness ....sadly I had some kind of „attack“ inside my right ear....maybe it’s cause by the illness I’m suffering from but they r not sure....
Anyway
The ending well.....if I would do it I wouldn’t give a damn flying pig about the grammar..... I just would let it breath there....a lil stop in the singing maybe a special musical climax....and after that the 2 ending lines...as simple as possible. But yeah I can understand what u mean, too. Makes it a bit more fulfilling and perfect if it comes to the writing part, but I guess any singer would „bring himself/herself“ in here after all.
But those two black zodiac heartattack what ever lines are killing me.... maybe I have to sleep over it once again.
But we can make it! We will work out a compromise!

Btw I have posted an older song of mine here in the forum. It’s a piece that is very deeply connected to me but if you have ideas ....specially about the indirect speech....feel welcome!



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 12:31 am
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Andrea
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OMG, You have me rolling. That is enough to convince me to at least let you sing your way. I am not a professional in any way, so will not pretend to know what is best. The result is what matters.

Those 2 lines may break us or make us. I will keep working :)

I did see your other post, but I really want to sit and thoughtfully read it before I respond. I promise I will get to it and do my best.



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 12:39 am
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RainbowKeeper
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LOL
Thank you! Let me know what u think.

Im working on:
I saved you from the flak
Yeah, I saved you from the flak

Or something like:
.....if you get slack
Yeah, ....if you get slack....

Dunno if I can use the words like this....not sure, but I’m working ;)



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 01:30 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Mhhh ok I give it a try:

A) I saved you from the flak
Yeah, I saved you from the flak

B) Through all nightmares and back
Yeah, through all nightmares and back

C) Handled any attack
Yeah handled any attack

D) Sure we faced any wack
Yeah, we sure faced any wack
——-
E) (if you add an „and“ in those lines in VI)

And nothing could hold us back
Yeah, and nothing could hold us back << vI
And then:
Guarded you if you got slack
Yeah, guarded you if you got slack

That’s all I can come up with tonight sorries 😅😢



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 03:38 pm
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Andrea
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I like B the best. It fits nicely.

Here are my 3 options:

holding hands
and each others back
we stood strong
when life threw us off track
surviving pitfalls and cracks
yeah, we never fell through the cracks

we always found our way back
yeah, we always found our way back
0R
steadfast, we found our way back
yeah, we always found our way back

our problems we solved in the sack
an undeniably naked fact ----ha ha, couldn't resist

I also had an idea about the beginning. What if we started with?:

Do you remember/I'll never forget/I'll always remember
when our hearts first entwined
our hearts first entwined



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 05:05 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey,
I like your second one! Even if it also rhymes with back....like my B. Would cause ehhhmmm....3x back after another, if i saw it right.

And if u really want to start with one of your lines, My preference is the first: „do you remember...“ because it shows that there are two ppl involved right from the start. It’s still as if someone tells the story but there ain’t a minor and mayor character in it, and so this would be clear right away.
Cheers



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 05:10 pm
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Andrea
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I thought the same thing about using back again. Funny though, I liked this best too "Through all nightmares and back
Yeah, through all nightmares and back"

Which do you prefer (your 2 or my 2)?

We can go with Do you remember. I think it is a good compromise and it feels good to me. Thanks



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 05:10 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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holding hands
Made it through the flak
we stood strong
when life threw us off track
....back
Yeah,...back
<<<< what about putting it this way?



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 05:13 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Well well well....your B is simple, if u wanna keep it like that use yours.
My B has a picture in it, so if you like to give it more pictures, use mine. 😉



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 05:20 pm
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Andrea
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I will get a second opinion. Then I will make the changes and post them by tomorrow.

I just read your work in progress. I really love it. I will spend some more time and leave you feedback. Enjoy



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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 05:31 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Oki dok let me know what u think aaaaand
Post the final invincible love real quick 😉
Enjoy



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 Posted: Wed Feb 19th, 2020 12:07 am
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SongWriterJoe
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Np. Emerge works too



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 Posted: Wed Mar 4th, 2020 02:31 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey Andrea,
Just wondering what lines u have chosen for the final lyrics?!?
Was asked if there is already music to our co-production. If so, I’d like to hear it.
Hope u have a good day
Cheerio Ian



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 Posted: Wed Mar 4th, 2020 09:12 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Ian, I did post the co-write back in February. I know we still had doubts about using the word back, but I honestly haven't given it much thought since then. I do not play music, so at this point will not be adding it. Hopefully someday that will change :)



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 Posted: Thu Mar 5th, 2020 01:30 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Ahh I see. Please keep me updated. Thanx!



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