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| Posted: Tue Aug 13th, 2019 11:22 pm |
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Andrea
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I have been trying to write these lyrics for a local band, but am not feeling satisfied. I like parts, but am not sure about the whole. Maybe I need more? Maybe I should try something else and dump it? Anyway, looking for any and all suggestions/comments/rewrites!
The band is more country, pop - not my strong suit.
Invincible love (hearts on a string)
It was Friday night
happy hour
when our hearts first entwined
we struck up a conversation
that went well past closing time
baring our souls
like a secret pact
blind faith believing
true love was a fact
nothing could hold us back
yeah, nothing could hold us back
pre chorus
too young to know better
too young to care
living each moment
on a wing and a prayer
Chorus
invincible love
hearts on a string
can conquer the odds
if we believe
invincible love
hearts on a string
forever and ever
you and me
we were very good
at playing house
in our hole in the wall
just a bed and a table for two
yet, we thought we had it all
holding hands
and each other's backs
we stood strong
when life threw us off track
our love was written in the Zodiac
yeah, our love was written in the Zodiac
Pre-chorus
Chorus
stronger than bullets
stronger than time
nothing can split
two hearts entwined
I'm forever yours
and you're forever mine
ChorusLast edited on Thu Aug 15th, 2019 09:13 pm by Andrea
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Andrea
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| Posted: Thu Aug 15th, 2019 09:15 pm |
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Andrea
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I made a couple changes since my first post. I would like to know if this is worth working on. Please be honest. I appreciate all feedback and help. Thanks
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Andrea
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| Posted: Fri Aug 16th, 2019 04:57 am |
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bunnythesinger
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Andrea, I really like this. The only line that threw me was the line about the Zodiac...wasn't sure where it came from...that was the first and last reference to it i saw...but it works rhythmically. This is definitely a keeper...
Bunny
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| Posted: Fri Aug 16th, 2019 07:17 am |
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RainyDayMan
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Andrea, I don't think you need more, I think you need less.
I would lose the opening verse "It was Friday night..."
It isn't particularly strong and adds nothing to the story.
I think you can start at "baring our souls..."
The pre-chorus feels tight, though I would change the second "too young" to too something else
The chorus feels ok. I like the repetition on your key lines. It will probably come out well with the right music.
I would lose the "we were very good" verse. It feels a bit childish to me. I know it's about childhood experience, but it doesn't convince me they are made for each other because they played house.
I'm ok with the Zodiac reference. A lost of people will relate there.
I like the "stronger than bullets" part as well.
I think by the time you put it to music with some turnarounds included it will be long enough.
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| Posted: Sat Aug 17th, 2019 04:47 am |
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| Posted: Mon Aug 19th, 2019 12:19 pm |
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Andrea
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Sorry everyone for the late replies, it has been a non stop busy week with work.
Bunny, Thanks for your feedback. The Zodiac line is a take on the saying 'our love is written in the stars' - like destiny.
Sam, thank you. The chorus was what I built the song around. That helps me that you like this part.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 19th, 2019 12:37 pm |
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Andrea
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Thank RDM for the feedback. What I meant by more wasn't about the length, but about the idea of love enduring over time. I wasn't sure it had enough to give that sense/impact. Maybe it doesn't need to go farther? I am just not sure on that.
I had a hard time with V1. I wanted an introduction on how they met (chance/fate idea). I tried multiple ideas, but this one might sound ok when sung. V2 I really like, but think it wouldn't make a lot of sense without some V1.
You suggest,"I would lose the "we were very good" verse. It feels a bit childish to me. …" I could write something else. I will have to think more about it. Any suggestions?
Thanks for giving ideas for improvement 
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Andrea
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| Posted: Fri Aug 30th, 2019 10:34 pm |
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bunnythesinger
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Andrea, I like to revisit things I have commented on for two big reasons, first because I like seeing what work has been done to it, and mostly because a lot of my commentary is done in the middle of the night and I write something that I have no idea why I wrote it. I see and understand the zodiac reference now. Duh.
I really like the opening verse as part of the story, but that doesnt mean that it has to be sung...most performers leave out the opening verse to one of the most beautiful songs of all time, Hoagy Carmichael's Stardust.
Just revisiting and looking at it again...and liking it even more.
Bunny
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| Posted: Sat Aug 31st, 2019 12:36 am |
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Andrea
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Hi Bunny, Thanks for revisiting. I have thought about making changes, but honestly I haven't decided what, if anything, I want to change. Comments by RDM weigh on my mind, but I haven't come up with anything better yet.
I am glad you are liking it more the second time around. I want everything to be perfect if possible. I didn't feel that way about this, but I do like it enough to post. Maybe if grows on people - a good thing
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Andrea
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