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Like a script I read
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Tue Aug 13th, 2019 12:37 am
1st Post

Joined: Mon Jul 22nd, 2019
Posts: 56
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter
I live your words inside my head
see actions like a script I read
you are the woman that breaks my soul
get so lost in your country song

I cry your tears feel your pain
and every day I play your game
each time you get inside my head
visions like a script I read

I know that its absurd
to hang on to your every word
I know what you're about to say
but I stop to listen anyway

madness how you draw me in
suck my soul from deep within
wonder how to break free
but your words hold onto me

I never know why for sure
I keep coming back for more
your words resonate with me
that's why I can't break free

yet so much I don't understand
its not the future I had planned
to be held in someone elses hand
jumping to anothers commands

every day seems the same to me
I scream that I want to be free
I see you smile with glee
as your words hold onto me

you know that you are in control
country words turn rock n roll
you suck me in and blow me out
I can't get off your roundabout.


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 Posted: Tue Aug 13th, 2019 03:08 pm
2nd Post

Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 429
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
I really loved the first 2 verses and the remaining verses work conceptually, i would like to see maybe some 8 line verses (perhaps combining two quartets for a longer verse)with the a script i read hook recurring ... less verses would mean youd have to find a rhyme for the hook less times...and maybe using the everyday seems the same to me verse as a chorus to me it really is the continuing idea. Bunny

"People always ask me what I write first, words or lyrics...and I always say, Yes." Martin Mull
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 Posted: Thu Aug 15th, 2019 07:40 am
3rd Post
TSF Administrator

Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 5671
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
There's some good lines in there Alan!

You lose the "script" metaphor around v3, so it may be worth bringing it back before the end.

The verse starting "I never know why for sure" doesn't feel as strong as the others, so you might look at that one.

As a sug:
as your words hold onto me > as your words bit into me
(but "hold" might suit you better given the overall theme).

Worth pursuing!

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 Posted: Thu Aug 15th, 2019 09:29 pm
4th Post

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 844
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Hi Alan, this is a great start. Some verses are just wonderful.

I agree with RDM: "You lose the "script" metaphor around v3, so it may be worth bringing it back before the end."

You also seem to introduce another refrain/hook: "but your words hold onto me. I like this too, but it is not present from the start.

Watching this one :)

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