The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

Borrowed Time
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Sun Aug 11th, 2019 01:33 am
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
moptop
Member


Joined: Mon Jul 8th, 2019
Location: Missouri USA
Posts: 136
Favorite Artist: Beatles, Alan Parsons, Archies, Benny Goodman, anything else good! 60's ...
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Hello all, here's one that I finished up a while ago and would like to get your opinion on, on all aspects, lyrics, music, mix, the whole bit. The lyrics are listed below.

Thanks for listening.

Moptop

https://soundcloud.com/user-296202890/borrowed-time-enhanced-harmonies

Borrowed Time
Words and Music by
Dominick B. Giarraputo
Copyright © 2019

V1
I’m runnin’ on borrowed time
Trying to make that dime
So I can get that shot of whiskey at the end of the day

V2
If the liquid in that little glass
helps me forget my past
maybe I’ll get some sleep tonight

Pre Chorus
Cause when I close my eyes you’re always there
You never realized just how much I cared
Then I open my eyes to find that your not there

Chorus
I’m a total mess without you
My life was all about you
Everything I did, I did for you
I don’t know how I’ll survive
Knowing that I need you all the time
That little shot of whiskey gives me that borrowed time

V3
The harder and harder I try
If I said I don’t, it’s a lie
To forget you girl and put it all behind

V4
You said you couldn't love me
you needed to be free
But you never thought about what it would do to me.

PC2
Cause when I close my eyes you’re always there
You never realized how much I really cared
Then I open my eyes to find that your not there

Chorus
I’m a total mess without you
My life was all about you
Everything I did, I did for you
And I don’t know how I’ll survive
Knowing I need you all the time
And that little shot of whiskey gives me that borrowed time
Yes that little shot of whiskey gives me that borrowed time
And that little shot of whiskey gives me that borrowed time



____________________
Take Care, Moptop!

https://soundcloud.com/user-296202890
Back To Top 


 Posted: Sun Aug 11th, 2019 02:39 am
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
M.P. Dudash
Contributor


Joined: Mon Apr 24th, 2017
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 1095
Favorite Artist: George Jones, Coe, Twitty, Paycheck, Gosdin, Daryle Singletary
I am a: Other
Status: 
Offline
Moptop, I listened to it before I looked at your profile. I was going to say it definitely has a 60’s vibe to it. Guessing that’s what you were going for and you nailed it. I’m only 44 but grew up listening to oldies and personally feel those were, and are still, some of the best times in music. Upbeat feel good kinda songs. Nice work!



____________________
Takamine GN71CE Sunburst
Marlen Sd-10(Supposedly used on a Byrds recording)
Self teaching in progress
Back To Top


 Posted: Sun Aug 11th, 2019 11:10 am
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 5671
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Lyrics: good. Classic country, drinking over a broken heart theme.

Mix: very good. Has a quality feel to it. Vocals are clear. I think the harmonies work well. Instruments work well together and don't overpower each other.

Melody: not my cup of tea. Maybe it's intended to be old-fashioned, but I found it a bit forgettable.

Structure: not sure the pre-chorus is adding that much, but otherwise sound.

Worth pursuing, but if it was mine, I would re-work the melody.



____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue Aug 13th, 2019 11:54 am
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
jamestoffee
Member


Joined: Thu Apr 25th, 2019
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 219
Favorite Artist: Sting, JohnMayer, SarahMcL,Yes, Beatles, CaitlinRose, Lush, SufjanStevens
I am a: Singer/Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Good start.

The instruments sound balanced and I like the harmonies.

The vocals have a bit of a synthetic sound and that's not a bad thing. I would even push it a bit to make it a bit more unusual with the other instruments, b/c it doesn't quite sound like the 50-60s doo whop genre it may seem to fit otherwise.

Lyrically, it seems to be pulling in too many different directions and any of the directions are fine, but should be focused.

If you want to stick with the title focus the imagery around a scene where time is up and everything will fall apart without a moment's notice.

If you want to focus on the drinking and whiskey, contrast with "dried up" vs "wet your whistle with whiskey", or the purpose of the drink to forget the singee.....When I drink I forget to go to work, where I parked my truck, if I fed the dog, but no matter how much I drink I can't forget you....etc...

If you want to focus on the "one left behind" for the sake of freedom, contrast those type images.

A song that does this well is "Breakeven" by the Scripts. Read through the lyrics.

This whole section seems to fit the one left behind scenario

I’m a total mess without you (WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?)
My life was all about you (HOW? WHAT SPECIFICALLY?)
Everything I did, I did for you (HARD TO CONNECT FOR LISTENER WITHOUT DETAILS)
And I don’t know how I’ll survive (This is a separate theme....How can I live without you....separate from the concept of borrowed time and drinking whiskey)
Knowing I need you all the time (Why?)

Thanks for sharing.



____________________
https://cjamesconrad.bandcamp.com/track/daddies-and-daughters?fbclid=IwAR0x-doQ40NUeeZZt6oinWwmJp0WMflxujn_3XM46lZFr6PPR0BJDQBoRuw

https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandid=253763
Back To Top


 Posted: Wed Aug 14th, 2019 10:41 pm
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
JayKay
Member


Joined: Fri Jun 28th, 2019
Location: Bakersfield, California USA
Posts: 40
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Hi Dominick,

The production is really good as usual from you - This would sound more country if you added a little steel guitar to it - if you don't play the steel guitar - maybe a sample or something - your vocals sound good in the mix.

Since I am just learning production myself I can't offer too much advice on that end - I do like the retro sound to it. I enjoyed the listen.

Jane



____________________

Jane
https://soundcloud.com/user-296863402
Back To Top 


 Posted: Fri Aug 16th, 2019 03:55 am
  PMQuoteReply
6th Post
moptop
Member


Joined: Mon Jul 8th, 2019
Location: Missouri USA
Posts: 136
Favorite Artist: Beatles, Alan Parsons, Archies, Benny Goodman, anything else good! 60's ...
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Moptop, I listened to it before I looked at your profile. I was going to say it definitely has a 60’s vibe to it. Guessing that’s what you were going for and you nailed it. I’m only 44 but grew up listening to oldies and personally feel those were, and are still, some of the best times in music. Upbeat feel good kinda songs. Nice work!

M.P. Thanks very much. I wasn't particularly aiming for a 60's feel with this but I'll take that as a complement. I don't think age has much to do with appreciating good music but I agree with you, the older stuff is some good stuff.



Lyrics: good. Classic country, drinking over a broken heart theme.

Mix: very good. Has a quality feel to it. Vocals are clear. I think the harmonies work well. Instruments work well together and don't overpower each other.

Melody: not my cup of tea. Maybe it's intended to be old-fashioned, but I found it a bit forgettable.

Structure: not sure the pre-chorus is adding that much, but otherwise sound.

Worth pursuing, but if it was mine, I would re-work the melody.


R D Man, Yeah this isn't very flashy in either the melody or the lyric dept. It was one that just came together quickly and easily so I went ahead and put it down. Yes, it could use a rework.
Thanks

The vocals have a bit of a synthetic sound and that's not a bad thing. I would even push it a bit to make it a bit more unusual with the other instruments, b/c it doesn't quite sound like the 50-60s doo whop genre it may seem to fit otherwise.

James, the vocal treatment on this one was more of an experiment than anything with trying out some different techniques with the effects. I thought it sounded pretty good while mixing be after I exported it it was obvious that it had too much of ...well, everything.
Thanks

The production is really good as usual from you - This would sound more country if you added a little steel guitar to it - if you don't play the steel guitar - maybe a sample or something - your vocals sound good in the mix.

Since I am just learning production myself I can't offer too much advice on that end - I do like the retro sound to it. I enjoyed the listen.


Jane, thanks for the kind comments. Even though you say your are still learning that doesn't mean that your comments on how it sounds aren't helpful. They are! Just in the fact that it let's me know it's pleasing to listen to and that I must be doing something right! Oh, and I agree with you on the steel guitar but unfortunately that's way above my pay grade as a musician!

Thanks ;)



____________________
Take Care, Moptop!

https://soundcloud.com/user-296202890
Back To Top


 Posted: Mon Aug 19th, 2019 04:41 am
  PMQuoteReply
7th Post
bunnythesinger
Member


Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 429
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Wow... i like this a lot. I like it really as a 60s tune...gosh it could go a little further country...or possibly rockabilly...would love to hear it just a little faster with some rockabilly licks on it...just something for you to play with if you ever get the time. I know i always like to hear what another set of ears thinks about what ive got musically going...and i really like to hear how someone else might reimagine it. Whenever i hear a song i like, i always like to think...what would my cover of it sound like. Id go rockabilly...maybe not full on brian setzer...but maybe marty stuart/eddie cochran.

Bunny



____________________
"People always ask me what I write first, words or lyrics...and I always say, Yes." Martin Mull
Back To Top 


 Posted: Mon Aug 19th, 2019 05:47 pm
  PMQuoteReply
8th Post
cmaja
Member


Joined: Fri Mar 22nd, 2019
Location: Kennewick, Washington USA
Posts: 577
Favorite Artist: The Eagles, Lyle Lovett, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Hey Moptop,
This is sweet! It sound a bit more pop that country. V2, line 2 reads: helps me forget my past. But you sing: helps me TO forget my past.

What would really sweeten it up is if you added a bridge —maybe between V3 and V4 with a slower beat to it, saying something like how much you love her and/or miss her. Or how you’re broken-hearted. Something to reflect on.

Charles



____________________
All songs are from God. Those that are not, aren’t songs at all.
Back To Top


 Posted: Tue Aug 20th, 2019 12:09 am
  PMQuoteReply
9th Post
moptop
Member


Joined: Mon Jul 8th, 2019
Location: Missouri USA
Posts: 136
Favorite Artist: Beatles, Alan Parsons, Archies, Benny Goodman, anything else good! 60's ...
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
bunnythesinger wrote:
Wow... i like this a lot. I like it really as a 60s tune...gosh it could go a little further country...or possibly rockabilly...would love to hear it just a little faster with some rockabilly licks on it...just something for you to play with if you ever get the time. I know i always like to hear what another set of ears thinks about what ive got musically going...and i really like to hear how someone else might reimagine it. Whenever i hear a song i like, i always like to think...what would my cover of it sound like. Id go rockabilly...maybe not full on brian setzer...but maybe marty stuart/eddie cochran.


Thanks Bunny for the kind comments. Yeah, I would love to hear a cover of this song. I'm always interested in what ideas other musicians would bring to the table. You're welcomed to give it a try if you want. Some Eddie or Marty would be great!



CMAJA wrote: This is sweet! It sound a bit more pop that country. V2, line 2 reads: helps me forget my past. But you sing: helps me TO forget my pas t.

What would really sweeten it up is if you added a bridge —maybe between V3 and V4 with a slower beat to it, saying something like how much you love her and/or miss her. Or how you’re broken-hearted. Something to reflect on.


Charles,
Yes, I agree, some kind of bridge would give it a bit of a boost. I wasn't sure what to put this under and I was thinking country when I was working on it so I just stuck with that for a label. Appreciate the kind words.



____________________
Take Care, Moptop!

https://soundcloud.com/user-296202890
Back To Top 


 Posted: Sat Sep 14th, 2019 09:49 pm
  PMQuoteReply
10th Post
ChrisPrice
Member
 

Joined: Sun Jun 30th, 2019
Location: Derbyshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 118
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
This is great. Pop/country crossover. Very catchy melody with good harmonies and some nice playing. I'm liking this. :)

Back To Top


 Posted: Sun Sep 15th, 2019 12:53 am
  PMQuoteReply
11th Post
moptop
Member


Joined: Mon Jul 8th, 2019
Location: Missouri USA
Posts: 136
Favorite Artist: Beatles, Alan Parsons, Archies, Benny Goodman, anything else good! 60's ...
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
ChrisPrice wrote:
This is great. Pop/country crossover. Very catchy melody with good harmonies and some nice playing. I'm liking this. :)

Well thanks very much Chris! It's one I've been playing with for a while. Crossover, that's a good way to describe it...thanks. I had no idea what to label it.

Take care!



____________________
Take Care, Moptop!

https://soundcloud.com/user-296202890
Back To Top 


Current time is 08:53 am

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1844 seconds (15% database + 85% PHP). 28 queries executed.