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An Old Red Shirt (Buttoned Wonder in Red)
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sat Aug 10th, 2019 06:06 am
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bunnythesinger
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Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 49
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
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An Old Red Shirt (Buttoned Wonder in Red)
v1
I found an old red shirt outside my door this morning
All washed and ironed, neatly folded on my porch.
And I’m thinking of
The times you wore
That old red shirt
And nothing more
Than the smile of a woman in love.

v2
I found the note I left you still inside the pocket
Re-creased and folded tightly and stained with your tears
And I’m thinking of
The old love note
In an old red shirt
The time I wrote
About that special woman I loved

chorus
There was a time we used to celebrate our challenges
A time we knew how difference made us free
A time we cared for more than selfish instances
A time we felt that we would always be
But those times have faded as these old red threads

Bridge
As I awake I feel you voice whispering in my ear
My sleepy eyes trace your form tantalizingly near

v3
I missed your face when I sat down to have my coffee
So bright and fresh and smiling through my Morning Post
And I’m thinking of
And longing for
Not long ago
When we were more
A man and woman so deep in love

chorus
There was a time we used to celebrate our challenges
A time we knew how difference made us free
A time we cared for more than selfish instances
A time we felt that we would always be
But those times have faded as these old red threads

outro
I found an old red shirt outside my door this morning

Copyright 2019 John Parrish


Added a 5 th line to the chorus thats working both musically and lyrically IMO.

Last edited on Sat Aug 10th, 2019 08:47 pm by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Sat Aug 10th, 2019 09:37 am
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RainyDayMan
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I like this Bunny, but I don't think your chorus is catchy enough.

It starts well with those strong visual images of the shirt on the doorstep, and I like how the story unfolds (pardon the pun) from there over the first two verses.

I think the chorus is a bit wordy, and might be stronger if it was based around "the old red shirt" rather than "a time we...". I would like to imagine people singing along at that point and right now I don't see that.

The bridge and v3 are also good, so most of it hangs together well.

I like the ending circling back around too.



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 Posted: Sat Aug 10th, 2019 11:55 am
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bunnythesinger
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Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 49
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
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Thanks for the thoughts RDM. I want to play with it musically first before i do much changing...its almost done musically and the chorus feels sftroonger when im playing it...but i like the suggestions. Bunny



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"People always ask me what I write first, words or lyrics...and I always say, Yes." Martin Mull
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