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Inside and Out of Her Mind
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 Posted: Wed Aug 7th, 2019 02:17 pm
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bunnythesinger
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Ok, this what I have been working on. Originally, she was gonna get caught, and of course the inside would have been prison...and i could still go there with a rewrite of the last verse or an additional verse where she gets caught. Its definitely a work in progress and very possibly a toss out that got written so that the next better song could be born...lol..lots of tweaking needed and originally i had a working melody that was medium, driving strum. And in full disclosure its a rewrite of a 35 year old unfinished piece i started back then and never liked where it went so I let it sit. Ive always wanted to revisit it...either to finish it or at least get it out of my mind. Thanks in advance for any help you have to offer.


(working title... ) Inside and out of Her Mind


Verse 1
It was a cold,dark, rainy Carolina morning
When she climbed on that Greyhound in Charleston.
Tucked her ticket in her jacket and brushed back her long hair
Closed her eyes and tried to think about nothing
Her face was pressed so hard against the window
She could almost feel the raindrops on her skin.
Her thoughts were racing nearly fast as the wheels
And exhausted, she finally gave in.

Chorus
She was leaving without really knowing,
Where she was going or what she might find,
Sleeping through the storm that was growing
Inside and out of her mind.

Verse 2
She had a dark and stormy Caroline moment
As her hand moved over the finger marks and bruises
Left hard on her wrist when she pulled away
From all his cheating lies and abuses
The turning wheels drove the shadows out of her mind
And Caroline began to remember
The knife, the blood, the gasp, the thud, leaving everything behind
That cold and rainy Charleston November

Chorus

Verse 3
It was a snowy, moonlit Tennessee night
When that Greyhound pulled into Bristol
A newly haircut Bridget, climbed into her new life
Her reinvention continues until
The pounding in her heart and the fire in her eyes
Subsides and shes once again kind
And the lies she believes become her new truth
Inside and out of her mind

Chorus 2

She was leaving without really knowing
Where she was going or what she might find
Waking to the new truth thats growing
Inside and out of her mind.

Copyright 2019 John Parrish

Last edited on Wed Aug 7th, 2019 04:02 pm by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Wed Aug 7th, 2019 02:28 pm
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BRD
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I do love a good story in a country song, and this is a good story. As much I would love to read a verse about her getting caught, I think it would require you to change Verse 3 because of all the present tense and the sense of continuing action. Verse 3 has a sense of finality to it that I think would confuse the listener if she got caught after it...if that makes sense.

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 Posted: Wed Aug 7th, 2019 02:33 pm
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bunnythesinger
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It really does... and thanks. Its one of those songs that i like, but Ive hated writing...if that makes sense. Really appreciate the read through and the comments. Not really sure what i intend on doing with it. About an hour ago i reread it myself and hated it. Just did a reread i have some new musical ideas to try onit...i might just end up liking it. What a hoot this process is, kind of ctazy.

Last edited on Wed Aug 7th, 2019 04:05 pm by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Wed Aug 7th, 2019 04:56 pm
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cmaja
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Wow! Bunny, I love this ballad. But there are some head-scratching moments as I’m reading and trying to sing it. The meter, line length and rhymes should match from verse to verse. For a title how about, ‘Inside Her Heart And Out Of Her Mind’? And change the chorus, which I love, accordingly. I’d love to help you clean up the verses to balance them out. One thing is the names don’t seem to work. Maybe just skip the girl’s name.

Charles

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 Posted: Wed Aug 7th, 2019 06:27 pm
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bunnythesinger
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Charles ...play with it. Im not married to anything in it so far...i kinda consider it a 35 year old rough draft...the original title was theres fire in her eyes. And the original chorus was..
Theres fire in her eye
And its a look that wont go away,
theres an icy icy fire in her eyes

Im throwing out these notes for you or anyone who might want to work on it.

Thanks, Bunny

And I like the title suggestion as well...works for me.

Last edited on Wed Aug 7th, 2019 06:28 pm by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Thu Aug 8th, 2019 10:23 am
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Seamus2
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It's good whatever which way.

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 Posted: Thu Aug 8th, 2019 02:33 pm
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bunnythesinger
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Thanks.



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 Posted: Tue Aug 13th, 2019 09:52 pm
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Andrea
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I love your story - It's very dramatic. I love the chorus, particularly "Sleeping through the storm that was growing
Inside and out of her mind". I can feel that intense storm surging within.

I think I like the end without her being caught. I am not sure I understand "kind" in this line : V3 "Subsides and shes once again kind". I would agree to omit the use of her name.



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 Posted: Tue Aug 13th, 2019 10:59 pm
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bunnythesinger
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Andrea, Thanks so much for the comments and suggestions...would like to redirect you to the more polished and finished collab that I worked out with Charles ( cmaja ) retooled and retitled Inside Her Heart and Out of Her Mind. Addresses a lot of the issues you mentioned. Bunny



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 Posted: Wed Aug 14th, 2019 01:30 am
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Andrea
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I like both versions. It seems the meaning is different here in v3 than in the new version
"The pounding in her heart and fire in her eyes
Comes forth then subside and she’s kind (kind?)
And lies, she once believed, succumb to the truth that abides
Inside her heart and out of her mind".

Both are really good!



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