The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

My Second song
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Tue Aug 6th, 2019 02:29 am
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
Khellie2000
Member
 

Joined: Sun Aug 4th, 2019
Location: Cavite, Philippines
Posts: 5
Favorite Artist: black pink ed sheeran
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Catch our dreams.

When i was young, i was afraid to tell my feelings, and i was afraid to learn about my feelings, but when you came to my life you teach me how to catch my dreams to make my life alive ohhh...

Chorus

Take my hand, and we will fly above the sky. We will catch the stars until they're gone... We will catch the stars of the night, and we will catch our dreams to make them alive...

My life is alive if you are here beside, now that you are here we can catch out dreams to make them safe in our hearts, just please tell me what you want for we have a good night...

Chorus

take my hand, and we will fly above the sky. We will catch the stars untill they're gone... we will catch the stars of the night, and we will catch our dreams to make it alive... ohhhh wohh woohhh...

My dream your dream is just a dream of you... me and you are watching the shooting stars above the beautiful skies oohhh... We will catch our dreams tonight, tonight woohhh...

Chorus

Take my hand and we will fly above the sky. We will catch the stars until they're gone... We will catch the stars of the night, and we will catch our dreams to make it alive... oohhh wohh woohhh...

we will catch our dreams tonight 3x ...
ohhh...


By

Khellie M



____________________
I love to write songs let me know what you think of these
Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue Aug 6th, 2019 09:54 am
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
BillySchaub
Member
 

Joined: Tue Aug 6th, 2019
Location: Walnut Creek CA , California USA
Posts: 1
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
This is a very nice song i would make some minor changes on the lyrics would love to here the song. do you have a demo?



____________________
I like to sing in my free time.
Back To Top


 Posted: Thu Aug 8th, 2019 09:58 am
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
Khellie2000
Member
 

Joined: Sun Aug 4th, 2019
Location: Cavite, Philippines
Posts: 5
Favorite Artist: black pink ed sheeran
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
I do not i dont sing, i just write songs sorry



____________________
I love to write songs let me know what you think of these
Back To Top 


 Posted: Thu Aug 8th, 2019 12:00 pm
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 5343
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I really like the emotion in this. It feels sensitive and loving.

The repetition on phrases like "i was afraid to tell my feelings" feels like it should work well too.

You are entitled to write out the lyrics any way you see fit, but I have to say I find it hard to follow them the way they are laid out at the moment.

If you are agreeable, it would help if you broke it into separate lines and verses to show where the pauses are. For example is it?
When i was young
i was afraid to tell my feelings
;or is it?
When i was young i was afraid to tell my feelings

and knowing where the pauses are helps to find the rhythm of it as well.

Labeling each part, (verse, chorus, bridge etc) along the lines of:

Verse 1:
When i was young ...

Chorus:
Take my hand ...

...makes it easier for someone to refer to a specific part of your lyric in their feedback, and also gives an overall sense of how the song is structured. eg oh, I see there are 3 verses, the chorus is repeated twice and there is an intro and an outro/coda.
If you have variations in the chorus, you might like to label those as Chorus 2:, chorus 3:. Otherwise you can just refer to the chorus that you have already defined with the word Chorus (without the colon ":") without having to repeat the lyric.

That probably all sounds very old fashioned, but it really helps to lay it out in a way that reveals the structure of the song. On the album liner notes, you can print it any way you choose!

But like I said, it is your choice and unconventional is not wrong, but maybe harder to get good feedback on.



____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
Back To Top


 Posted: Mon Aug 12th, 2019 08:46 am
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
Khellie2000
Member
 

Joined: Sun Aug 4th, 2019
Location: Cavite, Philippines
Posts: 5
Favorite Artist: black pink ed sheeran
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
hello rainydayman,

i liked your advice and will do something with it i will reply the correctional song here. thanks for the feedback

khellie m.



____________________
I love to write songs let me know what you think of these
Back To Top 


 Posted: Wed Aug 14th, 2019 12:13 pm
  PMQuoteReply
6th Post
bunnythesinger
Member
 

Joined: Fri Aug 2nd, 2019
Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
Posts: 49
Favorite Artist: John Prine, Steve Goodman,Meatloaf, Hall&Oates, Bonnie Raitt, Amy Wineh
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Very ethereal, wispy ...in a good way. Thats kind of what i imagine the music to be as well...and i heartily agree with RDM abouth the formatting. Its so hard to get a feeling of meter and flow when the lines are laid out in a "prose" fashion. Bunny



____________________
"People always ask me what I write first, words or lyrics...and I always say, Yes." Martin Mull
Back To Top


Current time is 09:39 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1826 seconds (21% database + 79% PHP). 27 queries executed.