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need help and critics about lyrics
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Tue Jul 30th, 2019 04:16 pm
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Joined: Tue Jul 30th, 2019
Posts: 1
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Singer
hi, i'm a 16 y.o singer and i'm trying to write some lyrics, so if you have ideas or criticism to help me I would be very grateful

oooh I’m livin’ in the dark
you can see it my eyes
that i cannot take the pain (anymore)
ooh i wanna get away

oooh I’m livin’ in the dark
you can see it my eyes
that i cannot take the pain (anymore)
ooh i gotta get away

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 Posted: Wed Jul 31st, 2019 11:13 pm
2nd Post
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Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 5343
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
I like your opening line:
oooh I’m livin’ in the dark
that feels strong.

You might think about words or phrases related to the dark and build those into your lyric to keep the metaphor going.

Not sure what you meant with "(anymore)".
Is that a question as to whether you should use that?
If so, I prefer it without.

If you haven't already done so, it might be good to think about what the pain is that this person is feeling. Is it pressure from society? A broken relationship? You don't necessarily have to spell that out for listeners, but it may guide you in how to go forward, and keep things consistent.

You're not using a rhyming scheme at the moment - and that's fine, some don't. But it should be a conscious choice and not something you didn't think about and try to fix later.

So, I like your start, but you need to figure out what the song is about to take it forward.

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 Posted: Sun Aug 4th, 2019 04:34 pm
3rd Post

Joined: Fri Mar 22nd, 2019
Location: Kennewick, Washington USA
Posts: 287
Favorite Artist: The Eagles, Lyle Lovett, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan
I am a: Songwriter
Hi Kenshi,
Read and study Shelia Davis’ books starting with “The Craft Of Lyric Writing.” Then “Successful Lyric Writing.” Lastly “The Songwriters Idea Book.” Also “Song Maps” by Simon Hawkins. The first one is expensive because, I think, it’s out of print. There are other books but you need to assure the book you start with instructs you on the basics, like the first one above. Based on the lyric you started above, I’d say, you have a talent for it. The key is whether you enjoy doing it or is it simply a task. Good luck!


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