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| Posted: Thu Jul 11th, 2019 08:54 am |
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Seamus
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I dreaded the playtimes
schoolyard games
no fun for me
its where kids called me names
tortured by teachers
I didn't dress like the rest
shoes full of holes
and they were my best
the schoolyard games
I was bullied and jeered
it was the breaktimes
that I really feared
no kid should worry
or be filled with dread
surrounded by bullies
wishing you were dead
came from a poor family
I'm not to blame
but I had to suffer
the calling of names
beatings I endured
all cuts and bruises
it's the mental torture
that really abuses
I lay in my bed
fearing to wake
God hold my hand
in the steps that I take
CopyrightAlanEvans11072019
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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work. Thomas Edison (1847-1931)
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| Posted: Sat Jul 13th, 2019 10:39 pm |
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| Posted: Mon Jul 15th, 2019 06:19 pm |
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cmaja
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Hey Alan,
I like the imagery I get when I read this. You paint a colorful picture that will make this lyric a great song. I can easily relate to it. Thanks,
Charles
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| Posted: Wed Jul 17th, 2019 01:00 pm |
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Kellyanneg
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What you've written is very real and relatable. "Hold My Hand" is a great title/hook, like RainyDayMan said, to use a strong hook to hang it off of... incorporate that appropriately throughout the song to drive it home and create that "home base". Touching lyrics. And I agree with Charles...you paint a picture to see. Well done. Any music yet?
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| Posted: Fri Jul 19th, 2019 01:28 am |
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Andrea
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I like this subject. The story is clear and I can picture it nicely. It reads more like a poem than a song. Use the hook, or develop a chorus to bring this to life.
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| Posted: Fri Jul 19th, 2019 08:03 am |
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mike67
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Nice lyric Alan, and a tough subject. I was bullied at school, and then again a few years ago at work. I get my own back by writing a song called Phycho, and it was very cathartic. I agree with others that it would be good to have a hook, and perhaps an uplifting element of the story, i.e. you came through it, survived and did well. Did the bullies? That would be a good theme of the chorus. But, saying that, what you have written so far is top drawer.
Mike
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| Posted: Fri Jul 19th, 2019 03:04 pm |
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M.P. Dudash
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Alan, I think this reads like a poem as well. It’s a good subject to write about as many have faced it but I think it needs a bit more to put it where it could be.
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| Posted: Mon Jul 22nd, 2019 08:42 am |
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Seamus2
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Thanks for all comments
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| Posted: Fri Jul 26th, 2019 01:06 am |
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moptop
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Seamus2,
I like this very much. I do agree with M.P. that it reads more like a poem. What you have is excellent as they are for verses and a bridge. All you need is a good chorus to add in. You have a lot of options available with what you already have. This hits home for me as I was bullied in school as well.
Good work!
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