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Safe Haven
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 Posted: Wed Jul 10th, 2019 12:57 am
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JayKay
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Hi - This is my first posted song. I hope I posted this correctly - My hope would be to turn the arrangement into a more rock alternative sound. Thank you so much for the opportunity to post here. Your feedback would be most appreciated.

Safe Haven

I hide myself
I’m buried in a hole
My true feelings
Are not for sale

Not a mere visitor
To a life of pain
Not letting go
Leaves too much to gain

I cover my self with useless words
Words nobody’s every heard

Oh I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul
I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul


All I want is to be
Not just a memory
Of an empty shell

I hold onto my fear
Of letting go
Never jumping out
From dread of the unknown

I cover myself with useless words
Words nobody’s every heard

Oh I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul
I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul

Oh I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul
I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul

A haven for my soul…….

Copyright 2019
Jane Karwoski


https://soundcloud.com/user-296863402/safe-haven/s-U2GEL



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 Posted: Wed Jul 10th, 2019 06:32 pm
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marcel
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I like this, beautiful piano backing too!

I wonder what you have in mind when you say you'd like more of a rock sound, I quite like it the way it is now. The somewhat loose rhythm and accents on the piano really add to its expressiveness. Though I suppose it could be cool adding a beat and a guitar solo here and there (I can't resist doing that in my songs).

Last edited on Wed Jul 10th, 2019 06:34 pm by marcel



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 Posted: Wed Jul 10th, 2019 06:56 pm
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JayKay
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Thank you for your kind words, Marcel
I am thinking of guitar and bass/light drums beat. More soft rock. I know it probably would change the direction of the song though



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 Posted: Thu Jul 11th, 2019 05:47 am
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cmaja
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Hi Jane,
The music and your voice are beautiful, and I love what you are saying in the lyrics. It’s haunting. My suggestion is to limit one syllable per beat to help the lyrics blossom and sparkle. Especially for guys like me who can’t hear worth a damn. Also, I try to have a least a pair of rhyming words per stanza. It makes the song easier to remember. But, so far, I love it!

Charles



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 Posted: Thu Jul 11th, 2019 04:16 pm
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JayKay
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Glad you liked it Charles. Lyrics are scary for me so I am going to work on them so they fit better with the melody. Thank you so much for listening.

Jane



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 Posted: Fri Jul 12th, 2019 12:38 am
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RainyDayMan
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This is great, Jane! You sing and play beautifully!

Lyrically, these lines jumped out at me:
Not a mere visitor
To a life of pain

I cover my self with useless words

All I want is to be
Not just a memory
Of an empty shell



And I like the way you sing:
Words nobody’s every heard

and the descending run on:
A haven for my soul

Overall it has emotion, a memorable chorus and a distinct groove. I think you've done well here.



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 Posted: Fri Jul 12th, 2019 02:11 am
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JayKay
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Thank you RainyDayMan for your kind words. I was very nervous in posting this piece. I am glad you liked it.

Jane



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 Posted: Fri Jul 12th, 2019 08:32 pm
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marcel
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JayKay wrote: Thank you for your kind words, Marcel
I am thinking of guitar and bass/light drums beat. More soft rock. I know it probably would change the direction of the song though
It's always fun to try different styles, so I'd say go for it, who knows what it turns into :-D



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 Posted: Sat Jul 13th, 2019 10:47 am
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ChrisPrice
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I think this is fabulous. Lovely singing and great keyboards. The words are really nice though I'd like to hear the voice a bit louder in the mix. I can't criticise this song though. It sounds like it's from the heart and it's lovely. I wouldn't turn it into too much of a rock song because it's fine as it is.

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 Posted: Sat Jul 13th, 2019 09:51 pm
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moptop
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Hey Jane,
great job on this! Powerful and emotional vocal. The piano work is excellent. It's a powerful song. My only small suggestion would be to add a touch of reverb to the vocal, or maybe a bit of delay, to give it a bit of depth and to increase the volume a bit so the piano in certain spots doesn't cover it up.

Nice one! Thanks for sharing!



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 Posted: Sun Jul 14th, 2019 05:53 pm
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samiamiamsam
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This is very nice track Jane. Really like your style. I look forward to hearing more from you.



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 Posted: Sun Jul 14th, 2019 08:12 pm
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JayKay
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Thank you for your very nice words and suggestions, Chris, Moptop, and samiamiamsam.

I am planning on the song having a fuller production and plan to mix it better, with the vocal and piano sitting better in the mix.

Jane



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 Posted: Mon Jul 15th, 2019 05:20 am
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jamestoffee
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Good start. Nice piano playing and vocal delivery.

Consider adding more sensory details to draw the listener.

Also, explaining "why" the singer needs a safe haven. I like the idea of the soul not comfortable in the skin of the host body, but give a bit more personification and back story....and what would the soul/singer consider as an ideal safe haven....just some ideas to explore.

Thanks for sharing.

James



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 Posted: Mon Jul 15th, 2019 06:42 pm
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JayKay
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jamestoffee,

Thank you for the listen and the helpful suggestions.

Jane



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 Posted: Mon Jul 22nd, 2019 06:24 am
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Killjoy
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Beautiful song Jane, really. Top notch piano arrangement and your vocals are good.

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 Posted: Mon Jul 22nd, 2019 05:00 pm
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JayKay
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Killjoy,

Thank you so much for listening and the nice comments.

Jane



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