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Shotgun
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 08:51 pm
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Seamus
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Started up my big rig
headed for the road
Got to cross this country
with my heavy load

lots of miles to cover
It ain't a lot of fun
It's a lonely highway
without you riding shotgun

I wish that you could come
I understand you gotta stay
no use being on the road
with a baby on the way

lots of miles to cover
It ain't a lot of fun
It's a lonely highway
without you riding shotgun

I'll be home soon
have no fear of that
I'll cover miles quickly
very soon I'll be back

I'll be thinking of you
each and every day
remember that I love you
all the time that I'm away

CopyrightAlanEvans23062019



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 Posted: Mon Jun 24th, 2019 12:33 am
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RainyDayMan
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Good start here. I like the loving, emotional tone, and the conversational style.

Some suggestions:
headed for the road > headed for the coast
(just to give some sense of direction)

with my heavy load > move this heavy load
The "with" feels too soft there. You could also try "under" or something else instead.

lots of miles to cover > Got a lotta miles to cover

It's a lonely highway > It's an emp-ty, lone-ly highway (pause)

I wish that you could come > I wish that you could be here

I understand you gotta stay > I know you gotta stay


I'll be home soon > I'll be heading home soon
(feels like that line needs to be longer to match others)

I'll cover miles quickly > The miles are moving quickly
(flowing could be another option)

very soon I'll be back > Soon I will be back

all the time that I'm away > Each time that I'm away
(I do like that last verse. Feels strong)

The 'riding shotgun' metaphor doesn't really go any further, but I can't see how to easily do that either.



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 Posted: Mon Sep 2nd, 2019 05:31 pm
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jdtaper
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Joined: Sun Dec 25th, 2016
Location: Milwaukee, USA
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Favorite Artist: Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, Garth Brooks
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Another fun, fell good, drvinin' Country song! I can definitely hear this on the radio!



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 Posted: Fri Sep 6th, 2019 12:32 pm
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Motorist Sketchbook
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I like the concept on this.
Using the word "Shotgun" for the title, in reference to a passenger, or "copilot".

I think the interplay between writer and reader/listener is so important.
To tease the reader/listener to check out your work based on the "bait" of the title.

I recently released lyrics under the title "Orange". Most were surprised by what they found.
Not what they were expecting.

Like telling a joke. A successful punchline relies on a bit of surprise.

I drive deliveries for a living. So, I share the road with the big rigs.
I have a lot respect for what those guys (and gals) do in their work.

And to a smaller degree, I know what it's like to have a ton and a half of cargo in the back.
Especially if you have to stop quickly.

I wonder, is it common for truckers to bring a girlfriend with them? Or is that typically against policy?
Maybe if the are self-employed they can do whatever they like. Not sure.

As I read the lyrics I was trying to figure out if the passenger was a friend, a dog, a girlfriend, or a wife.

I worked through a process of elimination to answer my own question.
Anyway, I think this could use some more work. Perhaps more about the relationship and less about the driving.

The driving part is established fairly quickly. What is the driver remembering that he longs to relive?

- Sketch



Last edited on Fri Sep 6th, 2019 12:34 pm by Motorist Sketchbook



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 Posted: Sun Sep 8th, 2019 03:03 pm
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Andrea
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This reads easy. The story is pretty good. It became interesting when I find out there is a baby on the way. That was nice.

This verse seems weak. Maybe more about what he might miss while away?:

I'll be home soon
have no fear of that
I'll cover miles quickly
very soon I'll be back



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 Posted: Sun Sep 8th, 2019 05:19 pm
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BRD
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Really good nuts and bolts. What I would like to see is some specificity to make it more "real." Since it's driving, maybe include a city in each verse. Maybe a realization that despite his desires to be home with his expecting wife/girlfriend, he's actually getting further away. Put them in Carolina for example, then there is a stop in Nashville. Then a stop in Little Rock. Then Dallas...he wants to be getting closer, but he's getting further and further away. Still, he keeps telling himself that he'll be home soon.

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