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 Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 07:51 pm
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Seamus
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Joined: Tue Jan 10th, 2017
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Started up my big rig
headed for the road
Got to cross this country
with my heavy load

lots of miles to cover
It ain't a lot of fun
It's a lonely highway
without you riding shotgun

I wish that you could come
I understand you gotta stay
no use being on the road
with a baby on the way

lots of miles to cover
It ain't a lot of fun
It's a lonely highway
without you riding shotgun

I'll be home soon
have no fear of that
I'll cover miles quickly
very soon I'll be back

I'll be thinking of you
each and every day
remember that I love you
all the time that I'm away

CopyrightAlanEvans23062019



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 Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 11:33 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 5343
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
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Good start here. I like the loving, emotional tone, and the conversational style.

Some suggestions:
headed for the road > headed for the coast
(just to give some sense of direction)

with my heavy load > move this heavy load
The "with" feels too soft there. You could also try "under" or something else instead.

lots of miles to cover > Got a lotta miles to cover

It's a lonely highway > It's an emp-ty, lone-ly highway (pause)

I wish that you could come > I wish that you could be here

I understand you gotta stay > I know you gotta stay


I'll be home soon > I'll be heading home soon
(feels like that line needs to be longer to match others)

I'll cover miles quickly > The miles are moving quickly
(flowing could be another option)

very soon I'll be back > Soon I will be back

all the time that I'm away > Each time that I'm away
(I do like that last verse. Feels strong)

The 'riding shotgun' metaphor doesn't really go any further, but I can't see how to easily do that either.



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