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Sitting on my tailgate
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 03:28 pm
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Seamus
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sitting on my tailgate
plucking on my old guitar
saw you in the distance
hoped you'd walk this far

you came ambling over
talking on your phone
no rings on your fingers
I was hoping you're alone

you stood there listening
as I gently played
what started as a jam session
turned into a serenade

Romeo and Juliette
this my balcony scene
I stood there on my tailgate
like I was on a movie screen

She looked up all laughing
grinning from head to toe
I knew from that moment
I didn't want to let her go

I leapt down from my tailgate
felt the warm sand on my toes
said Hi and how ya doing
what ya think of my tailgate shows

she just laughed and giggled
couldn't keep her face straight
I said I'll always remember
how you laughed on our first date

by now she was almost crying
at the things I'd said
she said I'm late on our first date
I should be home in bed

I said I like that Idea
any chance I can come too
that'd be fine if you were mine
but I don't know you

I climbed back on my tailgate
strummed and beat my old guitar
said I'll have to charge for the show
if I don't know who you are

once again she laughed and smiled
grinned from ear to ear
I'm Juliette to your Romeo
what more you need to know my dear

AlanEvans23062019

Last edited on Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 06:13 pm by Seamus



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 Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 04:03 pm
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cmaja
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I immediately started singing this as I was reading it. It a lot of fun and makes a perfect country ballad. A composer could easily put music to this. Great job!

In the third stanza, second line did you mean: AS I gently played?

Charles

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 Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 06:13 pm
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Seamus
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I have a problem with has and as I'm afraid, thanks for looking and the correction, much appreciated.



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 Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 11:14 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Got a good feel to it Alan!

You might try switching it to present tense. Might feel more immediate. So:
sitting on my tailgate
plucking on my old guitar
See you in the distance
hope you'll walk this far

you're ambling over
...etc

I think the "Romeo and Juliet" part would make a great chorus. I'd use "we" rather than "I", so maybe:
Romeo and Juliette
this is our balcony scene
Standing there on my tailgate
like we're on a movie screen

If you do use it as a chorus, I'd strip back the latter verses in order to repeat the chorus a few times. I like the setup of the story in the early verses, but once you get to the chorus, hammer it home!



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 Posted: Tue Jun 25th, 2019 09:59 pm
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Andrea
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Great story here. I was smiling as I read it.

I am not as crazy about the second half, but boy I love the first half!

It begins to lose something after this verse (just my feeling):

she just laughed and giggled
couldn't keep her face straight
I said I'll always remember
how you laughed on our first date

I like this this verse, but find maybe don't use laugh twice.


The end is kind of cute :)



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