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Behind The Bottle
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 Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 04:43 am
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cmaja
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Behind The Bottle
Verse/Chorus
Verse 1:
She hides behind the bottle I plainly see
Her inflictions break my heart in two
Says she needs some time away from me
Will she discover the monkey in her brew

Chorus 1:
She hides behind the bottle does not look out
Furrows on her brow express her doubt
She’s tells me I should change my ways
Her opposition requires some appraise
To apply the brakes and not the throttle
Open up her heart and not the bottle

Verse 2:
She hides behind the bottle and claims she knows
Her assurance gives me some concern
Says she needs time to regain repose
Will she recover and hopefully return

Chorus 2:
She hides behind the bottle and won’t look in
The flush on her face show her chagrin
She’s tells me she must change her ways
Her propositions require some appraise
To apply the brakes and not the throttle
Open up her heart and not the bottle

Verse 3:
She hides behind the bottle but there’s a chance
She’ll jump on the wagon, cure her woes
Says she needs time to revive romance
Will she uncover what heaven surely knows

Chorus 3:
She hid behind the bottle but has come out
The worry on her brow shows turnabout
She’s tells me that she’s changed her ways
Her abstention is earning her due praise
She applies the brakes and not the throttle
Now her heart’s open and not the bottle

(she/her or he/his)

© 2019 Charles M Anderson

Last edited on Wed Jul 31st, 2019 07:16 am by cmaja



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 Posted: Sun Jun 23rd, 2019 11:35 am
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Seamus
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Great story, nicely done.



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 Posted: Mon Jun 24th, 2019 12:05 am
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RainyDayMan
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Charles, I don't think this is your best.
There are too many phrases set in passive voice or phrased in awkward ways.

The theme is fine, and having the subject be a woman makes it stand out from others.

Line 1 is strong. Good opening.

"are causing me to bleed" is that passive structure. "make me bleed" is more direct but requires the line to be rewritten to avoid 2 "makes".

I'd switch "to get away from me" > "away from me"

"that impedes" is passive again and 'impedes' is a strange word for a narrative style. Feels like it's forced there for the rhyme.

"But her disposition must be appraise" doesn't sound grammatically correct and I'm not even sure what that means.

I won't go thru the rest line by line, but my comments would be very similar throughout.

I'd also say that it feels emotionally neutral. I'm not sure whether I am supposed to feel sympathy for her, or for the narrator as victim of her drinking.



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 Posted: Mon Jun 24th, 2019 06:19 pm
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cmaja
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Thanks RD Man,
I rewrote it based on your appraisal. Check it out.

Charles



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 Posted: Tue Jun 25th, 2019 12:30 am
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RainyDayMan
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That reads much better for mine.

I like "Her inflictions break my heart in two" at line 2 as well. Gives a strong emotional direction that was missing before.

Well done!



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 Posted: Wed Jun 26th, 2019 12:17 am
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M.P. Dudash
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Charles, I like the story. It’s different to see a woman actually hiding behind the bottle for once. Though it happens you just don’t hear it written about. It’s a good twist in my opinion to keep it that way. Makes it more unique. I think it would probably need dumbed down for the current country audience to understand some of the words but it works for us a little older.



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 Posted: Fri Jun 28th, 2019 06:46 pm
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cmaja
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Yea, M.P., I hear you. Sometimes I have to look up my own words because I forgot the definitions.

Charles



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 Posted: Fri Aug 30th, 2019 07:15 pm
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jdtaper
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Even if Countyr isn't your main genre, this a perfect Country song about drinkin' and loneliness! Great job! You should write more songs like this! :)



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 Posted: Sat Aug 31st, 2019 08:13 pm
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cmaja
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You know, JD, I find myself writing more country lyrics because of a large range of subject areas available. It seems that country is becoming the more popular genre because it’s more inclusive. It seems to be more popular than pop.

Charles



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