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Ten rounds with the bottle
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Jun 16th, 2019 01:53 pm
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Seamus
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I've been ten rounds with the bottle
it laid me out on the floor
battered bruised and broken
I still cried out for more

I never learn from my mistakes
with the bottle I can't win
it knocks me down after a few rounds
I can't get up again

I'm in constant battle
with a foe I need to win
as those sips touch my lips
I see defeat again

like a boxer on the canvas
having felt each and every blow
scarred and defeated
nowhere else to go

I've been ten rounds with the bottle
it laid me out on the floor
battered bruised and broken
I still cried out for more

CopyrightAlanEvans15062019



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 Posted: Wed Jun 19th, 2019 12:54 am
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RainyDayMan
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Good theme. And there's some strong lines in there, but some work needed too.

I'd suggest trying it in the present tense (rather than past) to see if it makes it more compelling.
So: I still cried out for more > Still crying out for more.
"I've been ten rounds with the bottle" will have to stay as is cause clearly that's not happening right now. And in any case that's too good to change.

"battered bruised and broken"
that's great too. Love the alliteration!

"with a foe I need to win"
"win" just feels wrong there. It should be "beat" or equivalent. I get that it's there for the rhyme but it doesn't work for me. Maybe you could rhyme "beat" with "defeat" and re-arrange things that way?

So some suggestions:
I've been ten rounds with the bottle
laid me out right on the floor
battered bruised and broken
still crying out for more

never learn from my mistakes
with the bottle I can't win
knocks me down every round
and I can't get up again

I'm in a constant battle
with a foe I need to beat
as those sips touch my lips
I am staring at defeat

like a boxer on the canvas
feeling each and every blow
scarred and defeated
with nowhere else to go

I've been ten rounds with the bottle
laid me out right on the floor
battered bruised and broken
still crying out... for more



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 Posted: Wed Jun 19th, 2019 07:18 am
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Seamus
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Your version is better than mine lol, thanks for looking friend.



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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work. Thomas Edison (1847-1931)
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