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Strains of silver
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Fri Jun 7th, 2019 12:38 am
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Seamus
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You worry about your age
think you're way too old
you have strains of silver
but you have a heart of gold

you're twenty four carat beautiful
I love you more each day
looks may fade, you'll never age
and I'll never go away

in my eyes you're the glossy page
that comes through my door
one look at you and in my view
I'm left wanting more

stop worrying about your aging
in time it comes to us all
every day we're on our way
but we have memories to recall

You worry about your age
think you're way too old
I love your strains of silver
I feel your heart of gold

CopyrightAlanEvans07062019

Last edited on Tue Jun 11th, 2019 09:02 am by Seamus



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 Posted: Fri Jun 7th, 2019 01:52 am
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M.P. Dudash
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24 carat beautiful, cool line. V2 rhyme scheme is different than the others, may want to change that. Kind of reminds of an old George Jones song “Don’t leave without taking your silver”, check it out if you’ve never heard it. Good tune.



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 Posted: Fri Jun 7th, 2019 06:56 pm
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mike67
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Hi Alan,

Nice lyrics. I don't know much about country music, but I presume there would be a verse/chorus structure? If so, you might want to think about turning one of you versus into a chorus, and perhaps including a bridge?

On the lyrics you already have, there are lots of perfect rhymes. It might be worth trying to replace one or two perfects with imperfects, which can add a little variety interest to any song however good the lyrics.

Good work,

Mike



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 Posted: Sat Jun 8th, 2019 01:28 am
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RainyDayMan
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Great feel to this - warm and loving. Those first two verses are especially good. They flow beautifully.

The "glossy page" simile doesn't feel quite as complimentary, but I like the next two lines in that verse.

In v4, I'd look for a different way to say:
stop worrying about your aging
as you've used "age" before.
Maybe there's something about lines or wrinkles there?
But the next 3 lines are good.

And the bookend verse to finish works for me!
I think you have a good one in the making here :)



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 Posted: Sat Jun 8th, 2019 03:41 am
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cmaja
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Hey Alan,
Great lyric overall. A suggestion to the chorus, last two lines, as follows:

But I love your strands of silver
And your heart of gold

Charles



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 Posted: Tue Jun 11th, 2019 09:04 am
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Seamus
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That's a good idea of yours to change the ending, thanks very much for that idea.



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