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If I Could Change the World
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 Posted: Tue Mar 12th, 2019 05:31 pm
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Andrea
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I have been working on this on and off for a while now. it's time to post and see where it goes.

If I Could Change the World

Some people live in a fortress
to keep the enemy out
behind their walls
off empty halls
the silence of loneliness falls

Too many live for tomorrow
always looking ahead
dreams shaped yesterday
crumble and break
as the sands of time bury today

If I could change the world
I would make new rules
so that
tears only fall from laughter
a heart can bleed but not break
and everyone gives
just a little bit more than they take

Some folks dwell in their sorrow
feelings they understand
afraid to let go
from heartache they know
so they can move forward and grow

Others live in the background
safe behind the scenes
each point of light
lost out of sight
from the stars that brighten the night

If I could change the world
I would make new rules
so that
love truely conquers all
life doesn't end so soon
time can heal all wounds
and dreams always come true

tears only fall from laughter
a heart can bleed but not break
and everyone gives
just a little bit more than they take

If I could change the world

©Andrea Brennan 2019

Last edited on Mon Mar 18th, 2019 02:35 pm by Andrea



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 Posted: Wed Mar 13th, 2019 01:05 am
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samiamiamsam
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It's a beautiful song Andrea. Probably my favorite you've ever written. This one and Madeline.
It's great poetry. Every line is so potent.
This reads like you've spent a lot of time on it. It's very polished and has a nice flow to it.
I can almost picture you singing this with some acoustic guitar in the background.
How are the guitar lessons going?



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 Posted: Wed Mar 13th, 2019 01:42 am
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RainyDayMan
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Very nice! This doesn't feel like a heavy style. I imagine it much softer and more melodic. Did you have a musical style in mind writing it?

I like your rhyming structure on the last three lines. Has a modern feel to it.

And it's a lovely sentiment. :)

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 Posted: Wed Mar 13th, 2019 02:39 am
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Andrea
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Thanks Sam. It makes me so happy that you like. I struggled to finish this one, but feel pretty good about it. A softer sound on this one for sure.

The guitar is frustrating me. I want to learn faster than I am able. I am going to keep working everyday though. Thanks for checking in on me :)



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 Posted: Wed Mar 13th, 2019 02:42 am
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Andrea
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Thanks Owen, I definitely hear this softer (not metal). I am not sure what style yet. I thought about whether it fit under pop/rock, but since I wasn't sure, so I posted it here as I always do.

Last edited on Thu Mar 14th, 2019 02:54 pm by Andrea



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 Posted: Wed Mar 13th, 2019 10:00 am
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Awsaf Safayat Karim Chowdhury
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samiamiamsam wrote:
It's a beautiful song Andrea. Probably my favorite you've ever written. This one and Madeline.
It's great poetry. Every line is so potent.
This reads like you've spent a lot of time on it. It's very polished and has a nice flow to it.
I can almost picture you singing this with some acoustic guitar in the background.
How are the guitar lessons going?


Yes, I agree with sam. The way you've written it, every line feels very strong. The message is also very contemporary blended with emotions, which feels very nice. I'd love to hear its acoustic version, so you'd better learn playing guiter more faster. :D
I know its not my place to give suggestion, but you can add another point "Trust" in the chorus because of the first part in your first verse.Well, it is already beautiful, you don’t need to ruin it with my opinion.

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 Posted: Wed Mar 13th, 2019 11:29 am
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Andrea
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Thanks Awsaf for reading and the thoughtful feedback. I will give some thought to your suggestion.

Last edited on Wed Mar 13th, 2019 02:06 pm by Andrea



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 Posted: Thu Mar 14th, 2019 12:55 am
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Kel
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Well done Andrea,

It's obvious you have taken the time think about what you are saying, and how you are saying it.

Having said that, here are a few tweaks to consider:

If I could change the world
I would make new rules;
Tears only fall from laughter,
Hearts can bleed but never break
And everyone gives,
Just a little bit more than they take.

remove words that do nothing so, that etc

...afraid to let go
of anguish they know... heartache is a bit of a cliche


From the stars that colour the night. stars shining is cliche

Use or lose as you wish.

Cheers,
Kel



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 Posted: Thu Mar 14th, 2019 03:12 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Kel, Thanks for reading and the thought provoking comments.

I think for the chorus I will go with "hearts can bleed but not break". Hearts is better, but I hear the rest in my head as is.

You hit a nerve when you think say something sounds cliché. I will most likely change something here.

The second cliché is a little harder, but I would like to know what you think.

"Others live in the background
safe behind the scenes
each point of light
lost out of sight
from the stars that shine in the night"

This verse is meant to convey the person who has dreams of being a "star", but is afraid (fear of failure, shy...). The use of shining is attributed to the star who is making it. They are in the spotlight being successful. Do you think 'from the stars that color the night' says the same thing?

Thanks!



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 Posted: Thu Mar 14th, 2019 08:05 pm
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Kel
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Andrea wrote:
Hi Kel, Thanks for reading and the thought provoking comments.

I think for the chorus I will go with "hearts can bleed but not break". Hearts is better, but I hear the rest in my head as is.

You hit a nerve when you think say something sounds cliché. I will most likely change something here.

The second cliché is a little harder, but I would like to know what you think.

"Others live in the background
safe behind the scenes
each point of light
lost out of sight
from the stars that shine in the night"

This verse is meant to convey the person who has dreams of being a "star", but is afraid (fear of failure, shy...). The use of shining is attributed to the star who is making it. They are in the spotlight being successful. Do you think 'from the stars that color the night' says the same thing?

Thanks!


Hi Andrea,

No, I don't think it does. I thought it was more about people who chose to live out of the limelight. Perhaps:

Others live in the background
safe behind their screens
hide out of sight
afraid of the light
of not being the star of the night.

I think this expresses your intention better, but you may like to tweak it a little.

Cheers,
Kel



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 Posted: Fri Mar 15th, 2019 08:11 am
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Seamus
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A very good write, are you putting it to music? I'd like to hear the finished product.



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 Posted: Fri Mar 15th, 2019 12:27 pm
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Andrea
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Kel wrote:
Andrea wrote:
Hi Kel, Thanks for reading and the thought provoking comments.

I think for the chorus I will go with "hearts can bleed but not break". Hearts is better, but I hear the rest in my head as is.

You hit a nerve when you think say something sounds cliché. I will most likely change something here.

The second cliché is a little harder, but I would like to know what you think.

"Others live in the background
safe behind the scenes
each point of light
lost out of sight
from the stars that shine in the night"

This verse is meant to convey the person who has dreams of being a "star", but is afraid (fear of failure, shy...). The use of shining is attributed to the star who is making it. They are in the spotlight being successful. Do you think 'from the stars that color the night' says the same thing?

Thanks!


Hi Andrea,

No, I don't think it does. I thought it was more about people who chose to live out of the limelight. Perhaps:

Others live in the background
safe behind their screens
hide out of sight
afraid of the light
of not being the star of the night.

I think this expresses your intention better, but you may like to tweak it a little.

Cheers,
Kel



Hi Kel,


I may need to think about this some more, but maybe the easiest change would be to have the last line read 'from stars that brighten the night"

The idea of staying out of the limelight is part of my thinking. I am ok if others interpret it that way. I did like the verse you wrote, so will keep it in mind as I wrestle with the best change. This verse is the one that I had trouble with from the start. Everything else came pretty easily, but this verse took more time than I can say).Thank you so much for your sincere help.



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 Posted: Fri Mar 15th, 2019 12:32 pm
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Andrea
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Seamus wrote:
A very good write, are you putting it to music? I'd like to hear the finished product.

Hi Seamus, Having a completed song is always my intention with all the lyrics I post. I believe one day either I am going to find a partner(s) or I will be able to do it myself. I hope the same for your lyrics too :)



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 Posted: Mon Mar 18th, 2019 01:31 pm
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Andrea
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Kel, I decided for now to keep heartache (my husband's choice), and change shine to brighten. I do think this is better.

I may drop the "so that", but will wait until the music is added to see what works best.

Thank you for the helpful feedback.



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