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I don't want this night to end
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2019 10:50 am
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Seamus
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I don't want this night to end

Down and out and broken
didn't even have a friend
lonely and forgotten
thought my heart would never mend

baby steps I was taking
in the hope of making it through
then from mists of sadness
It was then that I found you

you are the smile upon my face
the reason I carry on
the weight from my shoulders
and all my troubles gone
and as I lie in your arms
I feel I've found a friend
comforted and whole again
I don't want this night to end

you were the half that was missing
together we are whole
spent a lifetime looking
for one who completes my soul

you are the smile upon my face
the reason I carry on
the weight from my shoulders
and all my troubles gone
and as I lie in your arms
I feel I've found a friend
comforted and whole again
I don't want this night to end



CopyrightAlanEvans03032019

Last edited on Thu May 30th, 2019 09:31 pm by Seamus



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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2019 12:30 pm
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Marty Ray Boone
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This is very short Alan! Perhaps you can meditate on some further words to make it longer, I think it really should be, however, this is a great start!:)



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Marty Ray Boone, now seeking God's will for my life and asking if I may serve him as a gospel bass singer and singer of harmonies in that form of music! I thank Holy God for my voice! Near perfect pitch as well, guidance for my fingers on that piano, AMEN
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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2019 06:04 pm
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TaylorM
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You might try "then out of the mist of sadness, suddenly I found you. I think it will sing better and make more grammatical sense. Nice job.

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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2019 09:17 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Overall, this doesn't feel quite as strong as some of your others, but it still flows well and has a lot of emotion.

I would combine what is currently v3 and v4 into a chorus.
Like Marty, I think you should then extend this with another verse, then repeat that chorus.

You might try:
then from the mists of sadness
I found you



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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2019 11:43 pm
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Kel
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I am in agreement with the others... I too think v3 and v4 should be moulded into a chorus, and another verse added.

There are a few too many words here and there, though some can be removed through using conjunctions eg. You are -> You're... etc.

There are other words I'd drop completely to help tighten it up. eg...

I was down and out and broken -> Down and out and broken...

I think this could be a great love ballad.

Cheers,
Kel



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 Posted: Mon Mar 4th, 2019 04:11 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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You might try adding a bridge and instrumental interlude or two



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 Posted: Thu May 30th, 2019 09:33 pm
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Seamus
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I made it longer.



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 Posted: Thu May 30th, 2019 10:40 pm
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RainyDayMan
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And it's the better for it! :)



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 Posted: Fri May 31st, 2019 05:12 pm
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Seamus
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It's longer now Marty, how's that resonating?



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