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Caught in a Riptide
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 Posted: Sun Feb 17th, 2019 10:33 pm
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Andrea
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I had a version of this posted in "works in progress". It is still a work in progress, but I hope closer to completion. I have made some changes based on the feedback I received. My mind is melting, but I am going to finish this one! Please be honest in you comments. The old version is still below. Thank you.

Caught In A Riptide

I am floating along
in a sea of debris
waves of disturbance
washing over me

danger lurks
below the surface
moving invisibly

losing my grip
on reality
suffocating clarity

a certain death
to all my dreams
like a river running out of me

Chorus
I'm caught in a riptide
swimming in misery
struggling against
an uncertain destiny
pulling me under
spinning me round
I can't tell
my up from down

Post-chorus
I'm caught in a riptide
it carries me away
so far away
from everything I thought that life could be

The current situation
feels out of control
chronic disorder
is taking it's toll

Catch my breath
I'm drowning
slipping into the blue

lost in the turbulence
of highs and lows
changing tides and undertows

a certain death
if I give in
the time has come to sink or swim

Chorus

Post-chorus

Bridge
I'm waiting
always waiting
for the tides to turn around
waiting
always waiting
to get my feet
back on the ground

Chorus

Post-chorus



Original version
I think I am close to finished product now. I welcome all feedback. Love it/hate/suggestions...
Thanks

Caught in a Riptide

I am floating along
in a poor mental state
waves of disturbance
pushing happiness away

danger lurks
below the surface
invisible to see
losing my grip
on reality
suffocating normalcy
a certain death
to all my dreams
like a river running out of me

Chorus
I'm caught in a riptide
swimming in misery
struggling against
an uncertain destiny
pulling me under
spinning me round
I can't tell
which way is up
and which way is down

I'm caught in a riptide
it carries me away
so far away
from everything I thought that life could be

The current situation
feels out of control
chronic disorder
is taking it's toll

I'm drowning
in the highs and lows
and turbulence
between the tides
a certain death
if I surrender
the time has come
to sink or swim
excuses are running thin

Chorus

Bridge
I'm waiting
always waiting
for the tides to turn around
waiting
always waiting
to get my feet
back on the ground

I'm caught in a riptide
it carries me away
so far away
from everything I thought that life could be

Chorus


©Andrea Brennan 2019

Last edited on Thu Feb 28th, 2019 12:25 pm by Andrea



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 12:57 am
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Cool! I like how you are building off the "riptide" reference.

I think it really takes off from that first chorus, seemed very smooth from that point on.

I'm not keen on "in a poor mental state", you might look for a more descriptive way to portray that, but the rest of that first verse feels tight.

All up, coming along well!



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 01:15 am
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Hey Andrea,

This is some good work. Coming along.

Did you lose some of your line breaks when you posted this?
The verses are all different lengths. Or maybe the structure isn't clear.

I see a chorus and bridge clearly marked. But the verses seem... ???
And there is another part that doesn't seem like a verse. 
It appears after the first chorus and then repeats near the end.

We should name these different parts if you anticipate
the musical accompaniment changing. But what could we call them?
Interlude? Breakdown? Transition? Buildup?

- Sketch

PS --- I wonder if "current" (below) should change to "present"?
So as not to be confused with a riptide current?
Or maybe that was intentional?

"The current situation
feels out of control
chronic disorder
is taking it's toll"



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 01:17 am
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Andrea
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Thanks Owen! I will think about the that line some more.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 03:44 am
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Andrea, it does seem tight but I’m guessing like Sketch pointed out the verses are basically supposed to be 4 lines each? It seems to fit that way. I do think you could totally remove or change the I’m drowning and the next lines up to the chorus. Maybe reword as they don’t seem to flow as well as the rest of it. Overall i think it will be good if you make some minor changes on that part.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 03:56 am
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Maybe change:


I'm drowning
in the highs and lows
and turbulence
between the tides
a certain death
if I surrender
the time has come
to sink or swim
excuses are running thin

To: I’m drowning in the tide
Where turbulence resides
The fateful clench of death
Seems to bring the only high

Surrender as I may
My time is running thin
The undertow has got me
It’s time to sink or swim

Not sure if that would work?



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 04:11 am
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Andrea
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Sketch,

I did lose some line brakes. I could get 4 and 9, but had an issue adding another break :( Guess I will work on this some more.

I do have another repeat - I have no idea if there I a term for it. I just liked it that way.

Yes, I used the word current purposely. I play on the riptide theme.

Thanks for the feedback. I will keep working!



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 04:24 am
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Hi M.P., as you can see there is an underlying mental health theme. The highs and lows are words I wish to keep. I would prefer not to suggest death is a welcome option, so I'm not crazy on this:
"The fateful clench of death
Seems to bring the only high"

Thanks for the ideas. I will work on the structure more.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 10:20 pm
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Well, I like it.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 10:43 pm
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Hi Seamus, I just sent an edited version. You were 2 minutes ahead of me! I would love your thoughts on this too.

Thanks so much!



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 11:03 pm
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I think this new version works.
The line breaks still looked strange to me,
but when I check the rhythm it works.
Good job.

- Sketch



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 11:10 pm
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Andrea
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I think I am good with the structure now. Do you like the words?



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 11:12 pm
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I think it reads better now Andrea, nice work.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 18th, 2019 11:18 pm
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Andrea
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Thanks for your ideas. They were very helpful.

Now I need music. The eternal search continues.



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 01:47 am
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Andrea wrote: I think I am good with the structure now. Do you like the words?
I like the words in general.
There are some little things that bug me.

If you want, we could pick it apart.
I see at least three things that could
use some consideration.

- Sketch

Last edited on Tue Feb 19th, 2019 01:58 am by Motorist Sketchbook



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 02:03 am
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Andrea
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Of course I want to pick it apart. Here or PM. Thanks



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 02:29 am
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Here we go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
danger lurks
below the surface
invisible to see
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"invisible" seems redundant to "see"
Since "invisible" means you can't see it.
"invisible to me" could work,
but might cause other problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
losing my grip
on reality
suffocating normalcy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The word "normalcy" is awkward.
Perhaps "conformity" would work?
"suffocating conformity"
adds a syllable though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chorus
I'm caught in a riptide
swimming in misery
struggling against
an uncertain destiny
pulling me under
spinning me round
I can't tell
which way is up
and which way is down
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"which way is up
and which way is down" is awkward.

Replace it with "my up from down"
To make an even eight lines.

"I can't tell
my up from down"

Last edited on Tue Feb 19th, 2019 02:30 am by Motorist Sketchbook



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 02:55 am
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Andrea
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That's not so bad:) You had me a little worried. I will consider all this feedback. It is very thoughtful. I think I can make improvements. Thanks so much!



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 01:19 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Sketch, I think an easy switch will be to change invisible to difficult. This has been a challenge to come up with other ideas. Maybe moving invisibly?

I agree normalcy seems awkward to say. My thoughts are: sanity, clarity, stability or rationality.

Finally, "I can't tell
which way is up
and which way is down" might prove to be hard to sing. I will wait to change this for now. If it can't work, then I like your idea, "I can't tell
my up from down"

Thanks again for your help.



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 03:09 pm
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Andrea wrote: Hi Sketch, I think an easy switch will be to change invisible to difficult. This has been a challenge to come up with other ideas. Maybe moving invisibly?

I agree normalcy seems awkward to say. My thoughts are: sanity, clarity, stability or rationality.

Finally, "I can't tell
which way is up
and which way is down" might prove to be hard to sing. I will wait to change this for now. If it can't work, then I like your idea, "I can't tell
my up from down"

Thanks again for your help.

I like "moving invisibly".
The word "difficult" doesn't carry the same level of surprise associated with a riptide.
A person doesn't realize the danger until it is likely too late.

I like "clarity". (something not clear)

It occurred to me later that the shortened "I can't tell my up from down"
helps to better set up for the Post Chorus. A smoother transition vocally.
Gives the vocalist the extra elbow-room to sing "... downnnn" -
(full cut) "I'm caught in a riptide..." (bam) Try it.

"I can't tell
my up from down - 

I'm caught in a riptide
it carries me away..."

- Sketch




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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 03:23 pm
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Andrea
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Alright - I like it.
I need to come up with a melody. I will work on this next. It's my next goal for a few of my lyrics.

Enjoy :)



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 05:30 pm
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Andrea wrote: Alright - I like it.
I need to come up with a melody. I will work on this next. It's my next goal for a few of my lyrics.

Enjoy :)

That's interesting.
If I remember correctly, you don't play an instrument.
But you do sing.

How will you develop/express/document your melody making work?
Just curious. Thanks. (no right/wrong way to do this)

- Sketch

PS --- I say no right/wrong way to develop a melody. But...
I mean within reason. Obviously it should be on-pitch, in key (or tonal center),
relate to the chord progression, etc. But I am open to creative alternatives...
pioneering efforts... interesting noises... sonic train wrecks... ???



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 05:41 pm
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Andrea
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I am only thinking about a lyrical melody. Just ideas on how the words could be sung. Music accompanies the vocal melody, so that would come some other time. It would be easier to work with a musician - become a musician!

I do have recording equipment if I decide to record myself. All a dream :)



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 06:11 pm
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Andrea wrote: I am only thinking about a lyrical melody. Just ideas on how the words could be sung. Music accompanies the vocal melody, so that would come some other time. It would be easier to work with a musician - become a musician!

I do have recording equipment if I decide to record myself. All a dream :)

Ah, ha. You need riffs.

Here's some inspiration.

- Sketch
Best Guitar Riff Creators
https://www.thetoptens.com/best-guitar-riff-creators

PS -- There are riff generators available online.
I've never used one. But that might work for you.

Or you could use your recording gear.
If you have editing capabilities, tune your guitar and get with it.
Record until you get something you like.
Snip it out and copy/paste where needed.
That's how I do it.



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 06:34 pm
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I know all of them! My son is such a good guitarist. He can shred those metal songs. He doesn't want to help me though. He is in a band in need of an original song. They participated in a battle of the bands last weekend. They came in second because they didn't have an original song, otherwise they would have won (they lost by 1 point; they were told this by the sponsor). They also get 2 hours of free recording studio time because they participated. They are going to need an original now. Hoping they will use my lyrics for one of my songs.

I just booked my first guitar lesson. I've been doing some learning on my own, but I think I will learn faster and more correctly with a teacher.



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 Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2019 06:34 pm
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I know all of them! My son is such a good guitarist. He can shred those metal songs. He doesn't want to help me though. He is in a band in need of an original song. They participated in a battle of the bands last weekend. They came in second because they didn't have an original song, otherwise they would have won (they lost by 1 point; they were told this by the sponsor). They also get 2 hours of free recording studio time because they participated. They are going to need an original now. Hoping they will use my lyrics for one of my songs.

I just booked my first guitar lesson. I've been doing some learning on my own, but I think I will learn faster and more correctly with a teacher.



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 Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2019 12:58 am
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Andrea wrote:
I just booked my first guitar lesson. I've been doing some learning on my own, but I think I will learn faster and more correctly with a teacher.

That's great news Andrea. Yeah, it's better to get a teacher.
I wish I'd been taught by a proper instructor. My dad taught me, and I picked up all of his bad habits. lol
Seriously though, good luck. I look forward to hearing what you come up with.



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 Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2019 02:08 pm
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I am sure I am months away from playing any music, but I am looking forward to actually learning.



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 Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2019 02:29 am
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Once you get the basics down you can take your songwriting to the next level. Keep it simple at first. Some of the greatest songs of all time only use three chords. Cobain wrote a couple songs only using two.



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 Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2019 08:45 pm
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Thanks for the encouragement. I learned about power chords last lesson. I can see how these will help too. :)



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 Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2019 10:34 pm
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samiamiamsam wrote: Once you get the basics down you can take your songwriting to the next level. Keep it simple at first. Some of the greatest songs of all time only use three chords. Cobain wrote a couple songs only using two.
I watched a video interview with Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top where
Billy was asked about his sticking with only three chords. Billy said it was his secret to success,
"Don't learn that fourth chord." lol --- So funny. (so true?)

- Sketch



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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2019 10:54 am
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Hi Andrea,

I'm not to familiar with the genre expectations, but it seems at the end of verse 2, the singer realises she has to sink or swim. From that realisation, I'd think the lyrics should be positive.

Mind you, I think that sort of realisation should be in a bridge.

Just my thoughts.

Cheers,
Kel



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Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% what I do about it. Scipio Africanus
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 Posted: Mon Mar 4th, 2019 01:41 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Kel, I do not know what the expectations are either - like unwritten (or written) rules. This is an interesting point I should consider.

I could either change sink or swim to "excuses are running thin" (a first version line), or make some changes overall.

Thanks for the feedback.



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Andrea
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 Posted: Sat Feb 29th, 2020 12:54 am
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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Hi Andrea.
I just read through your lyrics. Again that's a great theme you've got going there.

PS. Don't give up on playing guitar if the tips of your fingers hurt, play, tinker, noodle or whatever for at least 10 minutes a day and that pain will go after 3 to 4 days.



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I'm taking a little break from writing and posting lyrics. But it doesn't mean I'm taking a break from TSF, just strengthening my musical skills.

https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
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 Posted: Sat Feb 29th, 2020 01:06 pm
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Andrea
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Billy_Lunch_Money wrote:
Hi Andrea.
I just read through your lyrics. Again that's a great theme you've got going there.

PS. Don't give up on playing guitar if the tips of your fingers hurt, play, tinker, noodle or whatever for at least 10 minutes a day and that pain will go after 3 to 4 days.


Thanks for reading my lyrics. The feedback I received in the forum helped me greatly when I was working on this. I am pretty happy with the result.

I hear you about the finger tips - I woke up yesterday and my tips were a bit numb. I will keep working. Thanks for the encouragement :)



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Andrea
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