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 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank Topic closed
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Andrea
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Caught in a riptide popped into me head and I want to make it a song.

I've been floating along
adrift so to say
wondering if happiness
will ever come my way

danger lurks
below the surface
invisible to see
a certain death
to all my dreams
like a river running out of me

Chorus
I'm caught in a riptide
swimming in misery
caught in a riptide
pulling me under
spinning me round
I can't tell
which way is up
and which way is down

The current situation
feels out of control
lack of motivation (all direction)
is taking it's toll

I'm drowning in
what could've been
what should've been
a certain death
if I give in
excuses are running thin

Chorus

I'm caught in a riptide
it carries me
so far away
from everything
I thought I could be

I'm waiting
always waiting
for the tides to turn around
waiting
always waiting
to get me feet
back on the ground

Chorus

RainyDayMan
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So the danger is apathy? Is that right?

I love the chorus, but I'm not sure apathy feels strong enough to warrant that chorus. I think the danger needs to be more direct and urgent.

Andrea
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I will work on it. Nothing is coming right away. Something to think about when sleep evades me. Thank you.

The chorus is often my hardest part, so that is a plus here :)

Andrea
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I have added more distress. I have a couple other ideas, but let me know if this works. Thanks

I've been floating along
in a poor mental state
wondering if happiness
will ever come my way

danger lurks
below the surface
invisible to see
losing my grip
on reality
a certain death
to all my dreams
like a river running out of me

Chorus
I'm caught in a riptide
swimming in misery
caught in a riptide
pulling me under
spinning me round
I can't tell
which way is up
and which way is down

The current situation
feels out of control
anxiety, depression
are taking their toll

I'm drowning in
the highs
and lows
and turbulence
between the tides
a certain death
if I give in
excuses are running thin

Chorus

I'm caught in a riptide
it carries me
so far away
from everything
I thought that life could be

I'm waiting
always waiting
for the tides to turn around
waiting
always waiting
to get me feet
back on the ground

Chorus

RainyDayMan
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Andrea, I don't think it's quite found its legs yet.
I wouldn't rush to complete it. Give yourself some time to play with it. Worth pursuing!

Andrea
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I definitely want to finish this, but am putting it on the back burner for a bit. One of these days something will pop and I will move forward.


I feel that mental health can fit here, but am getting the feeling that you have something eles in mind? A relationship could fit, but am not sure I want that. I will consider all ideas :)

SongWriterJoe
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So to say- as they say
I'm caught (+up)

CHORUS looks difficult to sing. Ditto the lyrics leading into the chorus at the end of the first verse. I run into this a lot myself. Sometimes you have to.. stop.. think about it.. looking at it from an outsider's perspective. Then it can come naturally. Funny how often that will work.

Good project, just needs some polish. Don't push too hard, however. Let the creative juices flow when they're ready.

Last edited on Tue Feb 5th, 2019 04:13 pm by SongWriterJoe

Andrea
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Thanks for reading. Did you read both versions? I haven't thought much about this in the last few days. Maybe it is time to come back.

Maybe a good collab prject! I will fiddle with some ideas for the chorus.

SongWriterJoe
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Hit me up if you'd like to talk music. I'm old, but the mind still seems to work. *Smiles*. Have Skype or you can email. Be well.

J

Last edited on Tue Feb 5th, 2019 07:16 pm by SongWriterJoe

Andrea
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Hi Joe,

Thanks for your feedback!

I did some editing, and hope that it is better. I posted in the lyrics lounge under the pop/rock/alternative.

SongWriterJoe
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Chorus looks good 👍

Andrea
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Thanks :)

Becki5
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Andrea, great raw emotion! Your lyrics are all powerful! Strong emotion! Thanks for sharing.;)

Andrea
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HI Becki5, Thank you so much for the positive feedback. I posted a completed version in the lyrics lounge. It is several pages back at this point (maybe page 5 or 6) if you wish to read that version. These lyrics are probably one my favorite I wrote. Enjoy

RainbowKeeper
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Hello ma‘m
I like the last version u posted a lot. There it shows, not only because of the quick words chance, a very strong „flow“.
But I know that u like honest feedback and ideas, so here are mine:

I would add -s to the word turbulence (this really annoyed me while reading. Can’t even say why, but somehow...I dunno it feels right to me)

Besides that I d like to give some more ideas. I would think about:
Streaming/waterfalls and maybe a lighthouse.

In the end, all u need to do is give it strong legs the song can stand on. U know like I said there is a lot of confusion in it but I think you need to build a frame around it. I’d like that, but as always: these r just my ideas. I really love what u try to say here and how u do it, cause I know that it comes from the heart and that’s where it SHOULD come from! 😉👍

Andrea
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Thanks RK for your feedback. This post is where I began working on these lyrics. After feedback, I moved it to the lyrics lounge and have my final version posted there. Enjoy

RainyDayMan
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Andrea has posted an updated version of this here:
http://www.thesongwritersforum.com/forum/view_topic.php?id=14988&forum_id=17&highlight=riptide

So this WIP version will now be closed.


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