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TaylorM
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2 a.m. and here I am
Coffee grounds and an empty pen
Mascara stains on an old napkin
How could this happen again?

I knew my hopes were way too high
I knew that luck would pass me by
I knew that this could never be mine
But still I had to try

Oh and life
It isn’t fair
And I’m learnin' that harder workin’
won’t get you anywhere.
But at least we both will know,
When the two of us depart,
That you gave nothing at all
And I gave all of my heart.

A pretty face and some pretty words
One shot more and the rest is blurred
But nothing helps me to forget this hurt,
How could things be any worse?

I always did what I thought was right
I gave it all, and then I paid the price,
Well now I know and I’m done playing nice
How could I believe your lies?

Oh and life
It isn’t fair
And I’m learnin’ that harder workin’
won’t get you anywhere.
But at least we both will know,
When the two of us depart,
That you gave nothing at all
And I gave all of my heart.

Solo


But at least we both will know,
When the two of us depart,
That you gave nothing at all
That you gave nothing at all
That you gave nothing at all
And I gave all of my heart.


© Taylor Masse 2019
This song is the intellectual property of Taylor Masse and is protected by federal and state copyright laws.

Last edited on Sat Feb 9th, 2019 01:37 am by TaylorM

M.P. Dudash
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Taylor, I like v1 and line 2 for me is the best line in the song. It's original. Now, I don't know how you have it sounding in your head but to me the chorus seems it could use some work. I'm not big on line 2 of the chorus, it doesn't sing well for me.
Maybe:I gave you the keys to my heart and soul
My time and my pride my youth now I'm old
I gave you my strength and also my faith
You turned them around and returned them in haste

Though you gave nothing
When we depart
There'll be two of us knowing
I gave all of my heart

Probably doesn't fit, but maybe give you an idea. Probably look to substitute cuts like a knife also. Figure a more original take on it. Good start, I see where some lines look like they could be combined also. I overwrite myself. Everyone touts keep it short and simple it seems.

TaylorM
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Thank you M.P. Dudash for the advice. I will definitely get back to work and think about what you said. I myself was not too happy with the chorus and the knife line. I completely agree and appreciate the ideas!

Last edited on Fri Oct 5th, 2018 05:50 pm by TaylorM

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< Removed at DaveKell's request>

Last edited on Sat May 11th, 2019 03:29 am by RainyDayMan

TaylorM
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Thank you for the suggestions DaveKell! I really like your ideas and
changes and I appreciate the time that you took to help my lyrics.

RainyDayMan
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Like M.P., I also like those first two lines. Trouble is, they don't actually relate well to the rest of the song.
That image and context isn't necessary for what comes next.

The other issue I see is that the age of the singer/narrator seems ill-defined. These lines:
I don’t go out on Friday nights
No heels, no friends, no neon lights

suggest a younger person.
But these ones:
All my time, my youth, my pride
...
to work away your whole life

suggest an older person.

The overall emotion and tone seem a better fit to a younger person.

The good news is that you have a lot of emotion going, and that is always a good thing.

And the song is well structured to be able to put to music.

TaylorM
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Sorry to bump such an old post, but I did a complete rewrite and I wanted to know if you all had any thoughts or suggestions.

RainyDayMan
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Definitely improving!

samiamiamsam
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I like it a lot. Your lyrics provoke vivid imagery.

TaylorM
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Thank you both so much!I've been working quite hard on this so that means a lot.

SongWriterJoe
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Two things of note.. I would say "All My Heart".. it sings well and is very smooth. Also that excess repetition. One technique is vary the line just a tiny bit each time.. example:

He's runnin' out of midnight oil
He's burned all his midnight oil
Runnin' low on the ol' midnight oil
Midnight has come and gone and so's the oil

None of these were supposed to make sense, just used them as a tool to demonstrate the concept

SWJ

Last edited on Mon Feb 11th, 2019 06:41 pm by SongWriterJoe

Seamus
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This is wonderful I wish that I could write this well, I'm impressed for sure.

TaylorM
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Thanks SongWriterJoe, I see what you mean.I will play with that.

Seamus, thank you, but what are you talking about? Your songs are awesome!

Andrea
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This is really good. I can picture everything as I read it.

I really loved these lines: very vivid

"Coffee grounds and an empty pen
Mascara stains on an old napkin"

TaylorM
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Thank you Andrea. Imagery is something I really focus and work hard on.

Kel
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Hi Taylor,

As a singer/songwriter you can do anything you like and make it work, so maybe these thoughts won't apply. As somebody who doesn't perform, I always try to think about what light the song puts the singer in. For me, the singer is a bit too much a victim for modern female singers. Gone are the days of Tammy Wynette and Stand By Your Man and these are the days of Reba McIntyre and having Better Things To Do. (Even if that is a bit dated too!)

Ralph Murphy suggests we write with the busy Mum (Mom) driving off to work, having just had a fight with her no good husband, an argument with her lazy child, been pissed off by her snooping neighbour and narrowly avoiding some jerk in a big SUV trying to cut her off, in mind. Is she going to care about some singer saying "Woe is me..." Unlikely! But she'll be cheering for the singer who says, "You've got a nerve doing this to me, now take this!"

This "up yours!" song is there in your lyrics, and I think it will be well worth it to bring them forward.

Just my thoughts,
Kel

TaylorM
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Thanks for the input Kel. You have a very good point.


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