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OUR CABIN IN THE HILLS
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2018 04:50 pm
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DaveKell
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Joined: Tue Jan 23rd, 2018
Location: Texas USA
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Favorite Artist: Mickey Newberry
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When the air first feels like Fall
And a chill comes on the breeze
There's red and gold and yellow
In the leaves on the trees
When the fish all stop biting
And cold beer just don't seem right
Then I'm glad there is whiskey
And you to keep me warm at night

OUR CABIN IN THE HILLS IS
THE BEST PLACE TO BE
AWAY FROM OUR CITY LIFE
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME
WE CAN BUILD A FIRE AT NIGHT
AND I CAN HOLD YOU TIGHT
AND WE'LL SLEEP IN
OUR CABIN IN THE HILLS

Life is so much slower out here
No need to ever be in a hurry
We can leave behind the fast pace
And all our worries
It's nice to be so far away
There's no signal for a phone
I wish we could always live like this
Just you and me alone

OUR CABIN IN THE HILLS IS
THE BEST PLACE TO BE
AWAY FROM OUR CITY LIFE
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME
WE CAN BUILD A FIRE AT NIGHT
AND I CAN HOLD YOU TIGHT
AND WE'LL SLEEP IN
OUR CABIN IN THE HILLS



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 Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2018 10:44 pm
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Seamus
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some wishful thinking there lol good story friend.



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 Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2018 10:59 pm
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RainyDayMan
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That's quite a picture you're painting Dave! Sounds lovely.

I like those opening lines. Down to earth but very evocative.

With the next two I thought you might try:
When red and gold and yellow
Paint the leaves on the trees

I know that makes 3 x When... in the verse and you may be wary of that, but I think it would still work.

And you could swap:
Then I'm glad there is whiskey > There's whiskey in the cabin

The chorus feels like something that people will be able to join in, and give a rousing rendition. I was a little concerned at first that the last line doesn't rhyme which makes it stand out, but it's growing on me over time.

In verse 2 the rhythm of those lines feels out compared to v1. I don't know what music you have in mind, but just reading it in v1 I fall into a pattern like:
------------V----V----V-------V
When the air first feels like Fall
---------V----------V-------V--------V
And a chill comes on the breeze

but I can't make the lines in verse 2 match that.
However, you may have some other pattern in mind.
I think the feel and tone of v2 is right though.

Overall I think it's going to be a good one!

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 Posted: Fri Sep 21st, 2018 12:47 pm
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M.P. Dudash
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Dave this does paint a nice picture. The only problem I see is that "a cold beer just don't seem right"??? I've never met a bad season for a cold beer. True, but I'm Just messin'. I like v2 myself. Still working for my cabin but everything said is true.



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