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 Posted: Sun Jul 8th, 2018 07:59 pm
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bjduncan93
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Hey! My name is B.J. and this is my first time posting on this forum. I would love to hear any suggestions on how to improve this song.


https://youtu.be/YBDBprje5uA


Lyrics

There’s a rundown bar at the edge of town
The lights are low, there ain’t much crowd
But that’s the place where I first saw you

At a corner booth under a neon sign
I order up a whiskey and a cold bud light
But you’re not here, so it ain’t the same

The band’s too loud they play out of tune
But I never noticed when I was with you
I was all caught up in the way that we were moving.

Damn how I miss your lips on my neck,
I reach in my pocket grab an old cigarette
and I close my eye and dream its you I’m breathing.

If I’d known how much of us that I still needed,
I would’ve kept you from leaving.

As the days go by, my nights get long
I keep hitting up this bar still holding on
that you’ll walk in like nothing’s changed.

The band’s too loud they play out of tune
But I never noticed when I was with you
I was all caught up in the way that we were moving.

Damn how I miss your lips on my neck,
I reach in my pocket grab an old cigarette
and I close my eye and dream its you I’m breathing.

If I’d known how much of us that I still needed, I would’ve kept you from leaving

Oh I told myself that I could live without you.
But now I’m back here every night still thinking about you.

The band’s gone home, I’ve had me a few
I hear last call but I’m still missing you
Im all caught up wondering what you’re doing.

Damn how I need your lips on my neck,
I reach in my pocket grab my last cigarette
and I close my eye and dream its you I’m breathing.

If I’d known how much of us that I still needed,
and when you said goodbye you’d really mean it.
I would’ve kept you from leaving

Last edited on Mon Jul 9th, 2018 01:01 am by RainyDayMan



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 Posted: Mon Jul 9th, 2018 01:06 am
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RainyDayMan
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Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
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Hope you don't mind, but I formatted the last part of the lyric there where it looked like it had gone out of whack.

Great song! Feels very complete already.

Love these lines:
If I’d known how much of us that I still needed,
I would’ve kept you from leaving.


I can't see anything that needs improving. It already seems to be at commercial quality to me. Get a production demo done and pitch it!

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 Posted: Wed Jul 11th, 2018 10:26 pm
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M.P. Dudash
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Joined: Mon Apr 24th, 2017
Location: Ohio USA
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Favorite Artist: George Jones, Coe, Twitty, Paycheck, Gosdin, Daryle Singletary
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Good stuff BJ!



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 Posted: Sun Jul 15th, 2018 07:35 pm
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bjduncan93
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Joined: Sun Jul 8th, 2018
Location: Auburn, Alabama USA
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Hey RainyDayMan thanks for fixing the formatting issue, and thanks even more for the kind words. I’d love to have a demo made and pitch the song, but I honestly would have no idea how to do that haha.

Thanks again!

Last edited on Sun Jul 15th, 2018 08:22 pm by bjduncan93



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-B.J.
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 Posted: Sun Jul 15th, 2018 07:36 pm
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bjduncan93
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Joined: Sun Jul 8th, 2018
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Thank you, M.P.!



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-B.J.
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 Posted: Sun Jul 15th, 2018 07:36 pm
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bjduncan93
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Joined: Sun Jul 8th, 2018
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Thank you, M.P.!



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 Posted: Tue Sep 25th, 2018 02:19 am
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Will
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Wow. That's pretty cool stuff man. Like it a lot.

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