The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

TIME FOR A TEAR JERKER
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Mon Jun 11th, 2018 10:09 pm
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
DaveKell
Member
 

Joined: Tue Jan 23rd, 2018
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 108
Favorite Artist: Mickey Newberry
I am a: Singer/Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
I was feeling kind of maudlin and decided to try and work with it. An older neighbor recently lost their spouse they had known since they were children. I decided to see what I would do with that.

A lifetime ago seems like yesterday
I've known you since you were a little girl
Living down the street seemed too far away
In no time at all you were my whole world

It seemed like just days after our senior prom
Our child was born with me far away
I was fighting in Viet Nam... but
I was lucky & came home to stay

IT WASN'T THE TIME APART WE MEASURED
IT WAS TIME WE WERE TOGETHER WE TREASURED
I HAND CARVED THE PEDESTAL I PUT YOU UPON
I NEVER ONCE DREAMED THIS DAY WOULD COME
I COULDN'T STOP TELLING MY MOM ABOUT YOU
NOW LOOK AT THE LIFETIME WE WENT THROUGH

All our life you were my best friend
So many cherished memories I hold in my mind
I'll go on knowing one day we'll be together again
Right now I can't escape the feeling life is unkind

I've known you since you were a little girl
Our lifetime ago seemed to pass in a day
Your leaving took a big part of my whole world
There's no soothing words anyone can say

IT WON'T BE OUR TIME APART I'LL MEASURE
IT'S THE TIME YOU WERE WITH ME I'LL TREASURE
I HAND CARVED THE PEDESTAL I PUT YOU UPON
NOW I HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT YOU'RE GONE
I COULDN'T STOP TELLING MY MOM ABOUT YOU
AND I'M THANKFUL FOR THE LIFE WE WENT THROUGH

I'LL ALWAYS BE THANKFUL FOR MY TIME WITH YOU
I'LL ALWAYS BE THANKFUL FOR MY TIME WITH YOU

(BUST OUT THE KNLEENEX!)



____________________
Yairi DY90 super abalone
Alvarez AD60
Back To Top 


 Posted: Mon Jun 11th, 2018 10:43 pm
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4175
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I think you've done well here to mix sweetness with sadness to make it more poignant.

My main suggestion would be to re-arrange the rhyming in the chorus:
IT WASN'T THE TIME APART WE MEASURED
IT WAS TIME WE WERE TOGETHER WE TREASURED
I HAND CARVED THE PEDESTAL I PUT YOU UPON
I COULDN'T STOP TELLING MY MOM ABOUT YOU
NOW LOOK AT THE LIFETIME WE WENT THROUGH
I NEVER ONCE DREAMED THIS DAY WOULD COME

You might try:
I've known you since you were just a little girl
but only the first time, and only if it fits

The second verse (It seemed like just days...) felt a bit out of sync with the rest. The Vietnam reference threw me as everything else is tightly knit to their relationship.

But overall I think it's coming together well.

Back To Top


 Posted: Tue Jun 12th, 2018 01:46 am
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
DaveKell
Member
 

Joined: Tue Jan 23rd, 2018
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 108
Favorite Artist: Mickey Newberry
I am a: Singer/Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
RainyDayMan wrote:
I think you've done well here to mix sweetness with sadness to make it more poignant.

My main suggestion would be to re-arrange the rhyming in the chorus:
IT WASN'T THE TIME APART WE MEASURED
IT WAS TIME WE WERE TOGETHER WE TREASURED
I HAND CARVED THE PEDESTAL I PUT YOU UPON
I COULDN'T STOP TELLING MY MOM ABOUT YOU
NOW LOOK AT THE LIFETIME WE WENT THROUGH
I NEVER ONCE DREAMED THIS DAY WOULD COME

You might try:
I've known you since you were just a little girl
but only the first time, and only if it fits

The second verse (It seemed like just days...) felt a bit out of sync with the rest. The Vietnam reference threw me as everything else is tightly knit to their relationship.

But overall I think it's coming together well.


Good suggestions all along. I'll see what fits when I put this to my most intricate melody yet. The Viet Nam reference works very well with Nam pronounced like prom like most people say it. Of course it also dates the singer to a time frame of people who are by now very much senior citizens. Might decide to rework that, time will tell.



____________________
Yairi DY90 super abalone
Alvarez AD60
Back To Top 


 Posted: Sat Jun 16th, 2018 10:34 am
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
Seamus
Contributor
 

Joined: Tue Jan 10th, 2017
Location:  
Posts: 965
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
I like this too.



____________________
I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work. Thomas Edison (1847-1931)
Back To Top


Current time is 02:18 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1617 seconds (16% database + 84% PHP). 28 queries executed.