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Internal Abuse
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Mon Jun 4th, 2018 05:33 am
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Caradoc
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Heya! First attempt at a no chorus, tagline style song. What do you think? Be brutal! =D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94y7Bhv0oLs

There's a place you tell yourself you can't go.
There's a space inside your brain ya just can't show.
You better have a damn good excuse.
Misdirection of intentions from your days of youth.
To top it off, those thoughts don't have no use.
It's just internal abuse.

People will try to save you from your dreams.
“Be realistic.” Damaging your self-esteem.
It's not on them there looking out for you.
Your setting goals that intend to confuse.
To top it off, There is no use.
Those kinds of questions, just internal abuse.

Sing yourself down, before a fall.
Those kinds of questions, what's all the fighting for?
Read the room, it's not hard to deduce.
Put your ass to a better use.
To take for granted your passionate views
That's just internal abuse.



____________________
Peace, love and sandals.
-Doc

New socials (2018)
http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1V_x_yvUyqOffntDxp-GDA
http://www.soundcloud.com/docjohnsonmusic
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 Posted: Mon Jun 4th, 2018 11:50 am
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Seamus
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I like it, so there's a start lol



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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work. Thomas Edison (1847-1931)
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 Posted: Mon Jun 4th, 2018 12:22 pm
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RainyDayMan
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It's nice, but it needs a chorus! It's fairly wordy, and it needs a hook or a chorus that people can sing along with and latch on to.

I like the message and the style and the groove is catchy, but it isnt yet memorable.

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 Posted: Mon Jun 4th, 2018 10:05 pm
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Motorist Sketchbook
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I agree with RainyDayMan's observation about being "wordy".
But I guess I think the lyrics just need more room to breathe.
Create two lines from each existing line. It would open up nicely.

And it needs to go somewhere musically.
Again agreeing with the need for a Chorus, or Bridge part.

- Steve




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 Posted: Tue Jun 5th, 2018 03:23 am
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Caradoc
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Seamus wrote:
I like it, so there's a start lol

Thanks Semus! Always nice to hear. =D



____________________
Peace, love and sandals.
-Doc

New socials (2018)
http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1V_x_yvUyqOffntDxp-GDA
http://www.soundcloud.com/docjohnsonmusic
http://www.instagram.com/docjohnsonmusic
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 Posted: Tue Jun 5th, 2018 03:25 am
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Caradoc
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RainyDayMan wrote:
It's nice, but it needs a chorus! It's fairly wordy, and it needs a hook or a chorus that people can sing along with and latch on to.

I like the message and the style and the groove is catchy, but it isnt yet memorable.


Your right, It needs some kind of hook. I'll try to write a chorus for it. =D



____________________
Peace, love and sandals.
-Doc

New socials (2018)
http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1V_x_yvUyqOffntDxp-GDA
http://www.soundcloud.com/docjohnsonmusic
http://www.instagram.com/docjohnsonmusic
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 Posted: Tue Jun 5th, 2018 03:28 am
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Caradoc
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Motorist Sketchbook wrote:
I agree with RainyDayMan's observation about being "wordy".
But I guess I think the lyrics just need more room to breathe.
Create two lines from each existing line. It would open up nicely.

And it needs to go somewhere musically.
Again agreeing with the need for a Chorus, or Bridge part.

- Steve




Okay, both of you saying it needs a chorus will definitely make me jump back into this one and see what I can do.
Maybe a catchy instrumental part for the chorus? Or do you think it needs some more lyrics to wrap up the message?



____________________
Peace, love and sandals.
-Doc

New socials (2018)
http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1V_x_yvUyqOffntDxp-GDA
http://www.soundcloud.com/docjohnsonmusic
http://www.instagram.com/docjohnsonmusic
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 Posted: Tue Jun 5th, 2018 11:48 am
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Motorist Sketchbook
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Thanks, Doc.
This is a good discussion.

I think the unspoken aspect here is external abuse.
I mean as a comparative. That could be an interesting direction.

External abuse typically leaves visible marks, or scars.
Scars that can be seen. What about the scars of internal abuse?

The unseen marks we all carry through life. The tyrannical
task master that rules over us unseen by others. A foe from
which we can gain our independence. Write about that.
Or something in that direction.


- Steve




____________________
Blue Collar Road Scholar

Motorist Sketchbook - SoundCloud link:
https://soundcloud.com/user-426611522
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 Posted: Mon Jun 18th, 2018 09:36 pm
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Caradoc
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Joined: Sun Nov 1st, 2009
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Motorist Sketchbook wrote:
Thanks, Doc.
This is a good discussion.

I think the unspoken aspect here is external abuse.
I mean as a comparative. That could be an interesting direction.

External abuse typically leaves visible marks, or scars.
Scars that can be seen. What about the scars of internal abuse?

The unseen marks we all carry through life. The tyrannical
task master that rules over us unseen by others. A foe from
which we can gain our independence. Write about that.
Or something in that direction.


- Steve




Nice thoughts Steve! I'll revisit this song again and see how deep the rabbit hole goes, I think you're on to something here. :)



____________________
Peace, love and sandals.
-Doc

New socials (2018)
http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1V_x_yvUyqOffntDxp-GDA
http://www.soundcloud.com/docjohnsonmusic
http://www.instagram.com/docjohnsonmusic
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