The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

Life's a movie
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Tue May 15th, 2018 10:28 am
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
Seamus
Contributor
 

Joined: Tue Jan 10th, 2017
Location:  
Posts: 924
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
I saw the pain in her eyes
a story in each teardrop was told
a life peppered with sadness
like watching a movie unfold

a beauty now faded
beaten as life took its toll
left on the old scrapheap
like an unwanted doll

resigned to her fate
she lies in her bed
her life replays
like movies in her head

lights, camera, action
she lives the sadness again
its only a movie
but she still feels the pain

she drifts off to sleep
as the credits start to roll
her name up in lights
the star of the show

CopyrightAlanEvans15052018



____________________
I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work. Thomas Edison (1847-1931)
Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue May 15th, 2018 03:00 pm
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
Motorist Sketchbook
Member


Joined: Sat Apr 28th, 2018
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Posts: 92
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I like the way you expanded on the movie theme.

And the second verse carries the very graphic
metaphor of a doll on a scrapheap. Wow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a beauty now faded
beaten as life took its toll
left on the old scrapheap
like an unwanted doll
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw something when I read that.
Very powerful. Good work.

- Steve




____________________
Blue Collar Road Scholar

Motorist Sketchbook - SoundCloud link:
https://soundcloud.com/user-426611522
Back To Top


 Posted: Tue May 15th, 2018 09:46 pm
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
Dogmax
Member
 

Joined: Mon Mar 4th, 2013
Location: Ireland
Posts: 346
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Really enjoyed reading that read it a few times, each line you can visualize and not a word out of place, love the way you hold the flow and give each line the words it only needs, without a doubt one the best lyrics I read in a while, take a bow man this is really good :cool:



____________________
https://www.reverbnation.com/patfeely
Back To Top 


 Posted: Wed May 16th, 2018 12:23 am
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4098
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
This is good! Has a poetic, dreamy, sad, nostalgic feel to it that works nicely.

The movie metaphor is apt and you keep it going without overdoing it.

As Steve and Pat mentioned, it's full of graphic images, and that makes you feel like you are watching it which fits with the movie metaphor. The 3rd person perspective fits there too, and some of the indirect phrasing like "was told"

I particularly liked:
a story in each teardrop was told
a life peppered with sadness

and
lights, camera, action
she lives the sadness again


and the "beauty now faded" goes well with the "unwanted doll" phrases too.

It's all really tight. Well done sir!

Back To Top


 Posted: Thu May 17th, 2018 09:40 pm
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
DaveKell
Member
 

Joined: Tue Jan 23rd, 2018
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 101
Favorite Artist: Mickey Newberry
I am a: Singer/Songwriter
Status: 
Online
Honestly not trying to be offensive, but since this is a songwriters forum, who would that appeal to as a song? Maybe reminding your mother she's old and forgotten? What are we trying to do on this site? While this is indeed a great poem, I am having a hard time picturing commercial appeal or an artist who would want to record it. Maybe I'm wrong but isn't this site showcasing the works of people who wouldn't mind having a song cut by somebody?

That last verse I have to admit is a literary gem, and that coming from a guy who majored in comparative literature at Indiana University. I just don't see any "song" in this songwriting. Absolutely no offense intended.



____________________
Yairi DY90 super abalone
Alvarez AD60
Back To Top 


 Posted: Fri May 18th, 2018 04:06 am
  PMQuoteReply
6th Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4098
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Legitimate feedback Dave. A song doesn't have to be aimed at a commercial market to be posted here on TSF, but for anyone who is trying to get their song picked up and used commercially, keeping the audience in mind is very important. If the song is a personal creative expression then anything goes, but it becomes harder to give meaningful feedback in those cases. However there is no restriction as to what can be posted based on intended purpose.

Your other point is that a lyric that can't be put to music is a poem. Whilst that is true, I don't agree that it applies here. I can imagine this being done in say a Roberta Flack style from the 70s. Which could bring us back to point 1, but that is different from saying it can't be put to music at all.

Back To Top


 Posted: Mon May 21st, 2018 12:30 am
  PMQuoteReply
7th Post
Caradoc
Member


Joined: Sun Nov 1st, 2009
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 367
Favorite Artist: Ben Folds, The Whitlams, Dave Matthews, Jon Cleary, Reel Big ...
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Nice lyrics Seamus! Very visual, as somebody who sometimes can't escape old memories, this certainly resonated with me.

I agree with RainyDay, some of the best songs I've heard have been written around poems. Is it marketable? Definitely! To the pop market? Probably not (without more tweaking and a chorus)

But there is definitely a market for this style of writing, it just needs to be paired up with music that will accentuate the right moments.

Great write!



____________________
Peace, love and sandals.
-Doc

New socials (2018)
http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1V_x_yvUyqOffntDxp-GDA
http://www.soundcloud.com/docjohnsonmusic
http://www.instagram.com/docjohnsonmusic
Back To Top 


Current time is 01:01 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1570 seconds (9% database + 91% PHP). 27 queries executed.