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When I Wake
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 Posted: Mon Apr 16th, 2018 09:22 am
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Number Two
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I have this interesting lone song which I completed recently. It is a song about a man who wakens up to find this woman lying beside hem. He thinks she is amazing and reflects on how beautiful she is and how much he loves her. Rather than give you the audio version I would prefer if you read the words first.

When I Wake.

First thing in the morning.
As Ah open ma eyes.
All Ah want to see.
Is you layin next to me.
You are the one for me.
You're all Ah want you to be.
When Ah wake.
All Ah want to see.
Is you layin next to me.

Ma vision of you.
Is all it could be.
Beautiful woman.
Ah layin next to me.

You close your eyes.
You dream your dream.
You are .. most beatify woman.
Ah have ever seen.

Now Ah want you to know.
The way Ah feel.
The way Ah love.
Is surreal.

Just one look at you.
Filled me with desire.
You've opened ma heart.
Set it on fire.

Ma vision of you etc.

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 Posted: Mon Apr 16th, 2018 09:52 am
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RainyDayMan
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It's a smooth read. Feels like a fairly slow paced song which seems appropriate for a love song.

The sentiments are well expressed, without being innovative. I think to be memorable it will need a good melody to go with it, something a vocalist could really sing out on.

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 Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2018 09:46 am
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Number Two
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I disagree this song is not innovative. The song starts slowly and romantically with the man in bed beside the woman. I don't think there are many songs that start like this. Also the song ends with

Just one look at you filled me with desire.
You've opened me heart set it on fire.

This is a description of love at first dight. If you can find a better description of love at first sight anywhere I will eat my hat.

Number Two

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 Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2018 09:54 am
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Seamus
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For your sake, I hope that your hat is made of cake. Joking aside it has its merits do you have a recorded version?

Last edited on Tue Apr 17th, 2018 10:04 am by Seamus



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 Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2018 12:10 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Ok. Firstly let me say it's fine for us to disagree. If everyone always agreed there wouldn't be much to discuss! I mean no disrespect to you, and I'm not feeling any from you either.

Secondly, it's perfectly ok for you to disregard anything I say or suggestions I make! This is your song and only you can know when it expresses exactly what you want it to express. I respect your confidence in your work. Run with what feels right to you.

In terms of "I don't think there are many songs that start like this", if you search for "lyrics about waking up next to someone" the list is pretty long. On the plus side, this is clearly working as a way of opening a song for a good number of artists. So why not you?

Love at first sight is another popular theme for songs and again if you search for lyrics about that there's a good range to choose from. One of my favorites is Roberta Flack's "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" which has the lines:
The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the endless skies

It's only my opinion, but I think she's got you on that score. :)

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 Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2018 03:46 pm
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M.P. Shaudd
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Number two, just about any idea for any song had been done by someone somewhere. It is all in how can it be presented in a new way. I do agree in terms innovation it's been done before. We all like to think what we do is good but take the advice to help improve .



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 Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2018 02:02 pm
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DaveKell
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Number Two wrote:
I disagree this song is not innovative. The song starts slowly and romantically with the man in bed beside the woman. I don't think there are many songs that start like this. Also the song ends with

Just one look at you filled me with desire.
You've opened me heart set it on fire.

This is a description of love at first dight. If you can find a better description of love at first sight anywhere I will eat my hat.

Number Two


The only thing about that is those lines are overworked cliches that wouldn't get past a song screener. There are so many cliches that have to be avoided anymore it's almost as if we need an alien visitor from outer space to land and give us some new ideas.



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 Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2018 11:02 am
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Number Two
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Hi

Thanks for all of you who have taken the time to reply. I am sure you are all experienced song writers and I appreciate the criticisms you have levelled at me.

First I will concede my song is not original.
Second regarding the fact my song has clichés. I think you are taking the easy option by saying there are clichés in this song. This song is about beauty and love and I imagine it would be difficult to write such a song without there being any clichés. Next. One of my favourite songs is Unchained Melody. This starts with 'I hunger for your touch.' This to me is a very poor cliché but yet it works so well. Another of my favour songs is I Will Always Love You. This title has to be one of the worse clichés ever yet these five words are repeated over and over in the song yet the song is brilliant. The point I am making is that it doesn't matter if there are cliches it is the song as a whole that is important and the way in which it is sung.

Regarding First Time I Saw your face. I will start by saying this is one of my favourite songs. However. 'And the moon and starts were the gift you gave to the dark and endless skies.' To me this sentence on its own is terrible and has nothing to do with love at first sight. As regards 'The sun rose in your eyes.' I think this is good but to me it is too fanciful. When I see a woman that takes my eye I do not think of the sun or the moon or the stars. I think the woman takes my breath away and this is expressed in the words I have chosen. With my song I have tried to keep the words tight and minimalist. I have strongly tried to avoid 'Rivers flowing to the see' and 'A walk in the forest' etc. I feel I have a strong argument here that my version of love at first sight is better than yours.

Finally. I have defended myself here. However when I joined this site one thing I did not expect was to have to defend myself against all these criticisms. I find this uncomfortable and can do without any further annoyance. Sometime tomorrow I intend to quit this site.

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 Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2018 12:04 pm
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M.P. Shaudd
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Quitting is your choice. The reason we all are here is so that we can get better. I've written quite a few on here that I thought were good that got critiques that I didn't care for but we're true. Ive also added stuff that I liked but didn't feel strongly about that others praised. It's all in the eye of the reader. Not sure if you can or not but music helps sometimes as well. I've read lyrics that I didn't care for but once put to music I enjoyed. You have yourself listed as a song writer, I do not. I view myself as a guy who enjoys putting words together that hopefully others can relate to. I have almost a couple hundred poems on another site, same thing, I'm not a poet. Relax, listen to those on here who may actually do this for a living or know people who do. If you are told by those around you that you are good but they don't know songwriting structure etc that may be the problem. I suggested a hard critique area a while back because I feel at times it can be just a bunch of handslapping. I agree it is nice to have people like what you write, but honesty is way better. If everyone were all yes men we would not be doing anyone any favors in helping them improve. No one is going to beg you to stay BUT if you truly wish to improve first realize that everything written is not gold and move on. It can be tough at first but it's the only way to improve. Best of luck.



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 Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2018 01:14 pm
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DaveKell
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>>>Just one look at you filled me with desire.
You've opened me heart set it on fire.

This is a description of love at first dight. If you can find a better description of love at first sight anywhere I will eat my hat.<<<

Okay Number Two, first you tell us that you apparently think you've just written the finest description of love at first sight. Then you said I took the easy way out in my comments about the cliches in your song. You pointed out that many songs are full of cliches. This is very true. However, the reason they got recorded was because the songwriter found a way to word the cliches that hadn't been worked to death. "Just one look at you filled me with desire" is by no means an innovative way of stating this sentiment. You need to get over yourself.

Are you here to improve your songwriting? Or, are you already the worlds foremost expert on the craft? My comment about cliches was an observation, not necessarily a criticism. It really doesn't matter though because you are presenting yourself as someone who can't take even constructive criticism. That is the number one deterrent for a songwriter ever being signed on by a music publisher. You should think about modifying that attitude.

Nobody here will ever try to outright slam your efforts.With 9 posts under your belt at this sight it's obvious you are very new to this forum. Maybe if you take a breath and look at a number of comments on other lyrics posted here you will realize that nobody is "criticized" in this forum. The fact is, if you keep writing you will get better. It's also a fact that nobody wants you to leave this forum all butthurt. If you do leave though just realize its a choice you are making not to receive help with getting better. Please stick around.



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 Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2018 01:26 pm
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DaveKell
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Number Two wrote:

Regarding First Time I Saw your face. I will start by saying this is one of my favourite songs. However. 'And the moon and starts were the gift you gave to the dark and endless skies.' To me this sentence on its own is terrible and has nothing to do with love at first sight. As regards 'The sun rose in your eyes.' I think this is good but to me it is too fanciful. When I see a woman that takes my eye I do not think of the sun or the moon or the stars. I think the woman takes my breath away and this is expressed in the words I have chosen. With my song I have tried to keep the words tight and minimalist. I have strongly tried to avoid 'Rivers flowing to the see' and 'A walk in the forest' etc. I feel I have a strong argument here that my version of love at first sight is better than yours.


Sorry, but I need to add a few more thoughts. In these comments, you state that you have surpassed with your tight and minimalist wording, one of the monster hit songs of recent times. Then you state that you have a strong argument that your version of love at first sight is the best. The reason this song worked is precisely because of all these lines that nobody had ever put into a song describing love at first before. All these lines flesh out the thoughts of the person singing this song to their love. These lines captivate the listener.



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 Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2018 11:13 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Number Two wrote:
I have defended myself here. However when I joined this site one thing I did not expect was to have to defend myself against all these criticisms. I find this uncomfortable and can do without any further annoyance. Sometime tomorrow I intend to quit this site.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's not the experience I would choose for anyone joining TSF.

Before you go, I would invite you to have a look at some of the other songs posted, and the replies received. Gauge for yourself what a "typical" conversation looks like in terms of
1) tone: friendly vs attacking; and
2) content: helpful/specific vs pedantic/useless.
I think the best reason to leave TSF would be if you feel there is nothing here to help you improve your songwriting.

Getting feedback can be challenging, particularly if it doesn't match your expectations. I'm sure if you write a song that is 99% perfect you will get a response like "Great song! Here's the 1% that's wrong with it". Why? Because people here are looking for ways to help you improve your song, and those are more often found in the weaknesses than the strengths.

I don't know whether I will like any future songs you may post or not. But I will give you honest feedback, and try to give a balanced response: what I liked, what I disliked and any specific suggestions for change. Then it is up to you. If you agree with the suggestion you may change your song, if you don't you wont. It is only an opinion, but that is all anyone here can offer.

Whatever you choose, best of luck with your songwriting.

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 Posted: Fri Apr 20th, 2018 10:16 am
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Number Two
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I have come to accept the words of my song are at best mediocre. This is the first song I have posted on line and I have treated the whole thing as an adventure. I have enjoyed the experience. The only thing I regret is that I have adopted a confrontational manner. If I have wasted anyone's time or have annoyed anyone I offer my apology.

I would like to thank everyone for their patience and understanding. But mostly for their honesty.

I said I would leave this site today so I bid you all farewell.

It is nice in defeat if you can accept it not just with humility but also with a sense of humour .... Number Two - ex would be / tried to be songwriter.

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 Posted: Sat Apr 21st, 2018 08:58 pm
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Dogmax
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Number Two wrote:
Hi

Thanks for all of you who have taken the time to reply. I am sure you are all experienced song writers and I appreciate the criticisms you have levelled at me.

First I will concede my song is not original.
Second regarding the fact my song has clichés. I think you are taking the easy option by saying there are clichés in this song. This song is about beauty and love and I imagine it would be difficult to write such a song without there being any clichés. Next. One of my favourite songs is Unchained Melody. This starts with 'I hunger for your touch.' This to me is a very poor cliché but yet it works so well. Another of my favour songs is I Will Always Love You. This title has to be one of the worse clichés ever yet these five words are repeated over and over in the song yet the song is brilliant. The point I am making is that it doesn't matter if there are cliches it is the song as a whole that is important and the way in which it is sung.

Regarding First Time I Saw your face. I will start by saying this is one of my favourite songs. However. 'And the moon and starts were the gift you gave to the dark and endless skies.' To me this sentence on its own is terrible and has nothing to do with love at first sight. As regards 'The sun rose in your eyes.' I think this is good but to me it is too fanciful. When I see a woman that takes my eye I do not think of the sun or the moon or the stars. I think the woman takes my breath away and this is expressed in the words I have chosen. With my song I have tried to keep the words tight and minimalist. I have strongly tried to avoid 'Rivers flowing to the see' and 'A walk in the forest' etc. I feel I have a strong argument here that my version of love at first sight is better than yours.

Finally. I have defended myself here. However when I joined this site one thing I did not expect was to have to defend myself against all these criticisms. I find this uncomfortable and can do without any further annoyance. Sometime tomorrow I intend to quit this site.


Hey Number Two post a link to your song and stop thinking that you have to defend yourself, the written word is our only means of conversation on songwriting forums and believe me you're on one of the best of them for what you're looking for.

I heard your song so chill out have a few beers and post your link :cool:

Last edited on Sat Apr 21st, 2018 08:59 pm by Dogmax



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 Posted: Tue Jun 19th, 2018 11:35 pm
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jdtaper
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A romantic yet sultry love song that all the great singers from all generations would sing, from Conway Twitty to Alabama to Tim McGraw! I loved it! :)

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