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When The Vow Breaks
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 Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2018 09:35 pm
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M.P. Shaudd
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On her empty bedroom dresser, sat the papers
That relieved me of the vow
The one we took with hopes that we'd
Find forever when we walked the aisle

She signed her name, it said you're to blame
Now all I really want is to get out
She took the dog and our money, but she left me
With all the memories in this house

When the vow breaks
The only heartache it makes
Are the lost empty feelings
I just can't escape

What once was all give
Has turned to all take
And dread becomes fate
When the vow breaks

As I faced her for the last time, I couldn't help
But feel I'd been here before
As she walked down the center of that room
And stood across the floor

The judge just like the preacher wore a robe
But the benches weren't called pews
And when he asked me if I object
I almost said I do

When the vow breaks
The only heartache it makes
Are the lost empty feelings
That I can't escape

What once was all give
Has turned to all take
And dread becomes fate
When the vow breaks

It just really takes the cake
How they split our marriage flame
When the vow breaks

Copyright M.P. Shaudd 2/8/2018

Last edited on Sat Feb 10th, 2018 02:38 pm by M.P. Shaudd



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 Posted: Fri Feb 9th, 2018 09:26 pm
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RainyDayMan
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You have a talent for hooks! And this is another good one.
The analogy between marriage and divorce ceremonies is very clever and thought provoking.

I like the chorus a lot. I'm imagining it to the rhythm of rock-a-bye-baby, though not the same melody.

My only concerns would be how this fits to a melody once that is done - so cant be addressed yet. Line 4 of verses 1 & 2 seem noticeably longer than those of 3 & 4, but they may fit. Also, some of the lines are one logical sentence broken over two lines like:
She took the dog and our money, but she left me
With all the memories in this house

which is fine provided that there isnt a significant pause in between that breaks the flow too much - which we don't know yet.

Or maybe you do! How's the guitar coming along? ;)

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 Posted: Fri Feb 9th, 2018 10:16 pm
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M.P. Shaudd
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Thanks for the reply. I did get caught in the nursery rhyme for a while as I've had the idea for several months. Finally a way to change it up came along. I hate when I have what I think is a good idea and I can't make It work. I'm starting to learn to accept that and just give It time. More than likely It will remedy itself. It works in my head but we'll see once I get some music. Guitar not bad but can't get the strumming down. Cords are pretty good just trying to transition faster. The normal newbie guitar player issues I'm assuming. Gonna try some one on one lessons and see how that goes.



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 Posted: Sat Feb 10th, 2018 12:11 am
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RainyDayMan
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Lessons will help, particularly to pick up on any technique that you don't realize you are doing wrong. Mostly it is just practice though :)

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 Posted: Sat Feb 10th, 2018 04:57 am
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LongShadows
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Catchy title. The meter is fairly consistent and the chorus seems to flow nicely. The only nit I have is the change of person. Throughout the verses it's all first person, we, I, us, but in the chorus you mention "the lost empty feelings
You just can't escape". Although I AM a badge-carrying member of the Grammar Police, I usually chalk such things up to "artistic license", and I know "you" is often used to denote no one in particular, everyone in general, etc., but I think in this case it would be much more effective and personal to use the first person.

the lost empty feelings
I just can't escape

Last edited on Sat Feb 10th, 2018 04:58 am by LongShadows



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 Posted: Sat Feb 10th, 2018 02:09 pm
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M.P. Shaudd
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Many thanks Longshadows, I must admit that I have been guilty of changing person, without catching it, on more than one occasion. Though I did mean the you to be all inclusive you may have a point. I will admit grammar has always been a weak point for me and anytime that someone can correct me I appreciate it. Thanks for the advice.



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 Posted: Sat Feb 10th, 2018 04:04 pm
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LongShadows
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My pleasure. For me, the the most valuable thing about forums like this is having a fresh set of eyes (or ears) to catch little things like that that are easy for the writer to miss no matter how many times you (generic you) proofread it.
I took a painting class in college and my instructor suggested that I look at my paintings in the mirror occasionally while they were in progress. That sounded dopey until I tried it, it was like looking at someone else's work and I was able to see it more objectively. I think that lesson applies well here; you are my mirror and I am happy to be yours.



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 Posted: Sat Feb 10th, 2018 09:57 pm
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Dogmax
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M.P. Shaudd wrote:
Thanks for the reply. I did get caught in the nursery rhyme for a while as I've had the idea for several months. Finally a way to change it up came along. I hate when I have what I think is a good idea and I can't make It work. I'm starting to learn to accept that and just give It time. More than likely It will remedy itself. It works in my head but we'll see once I get some music. Guitar not bad but can't get the strumming down. Cords are pretty good just trying to transition faster. The normal newbie guitar player issues I'm assuming. Gonna try some one on one lessons and see how that goes.

Understand every word you're saying man, so true, some lyric recording just hit the flow straight away and you just build on what you're hearing back, but then there are some were you just have to give them time, there are so many reason why i dont even know where to start to explain.

"Guitar not bad but can't get the strumming down"

You could post what you have on recording that way then we would have a better idea on sounding and melody of your lyric, dont know but could help.



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 Posted: Sat Feb 10th, 2018 10:19 pm
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M.P. Shaudd
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Appreciate the look Dogmax. My guitar skills are at their infancy at best and unfortunately I can't even provide that much as of yet. Hence my other response under the I am. Lyricist somewhat, musician, not so much.

Last edited on Sat Feb 10th, 2018 10:20 pm by M.P. Shaudd



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 Posted: Sat Feb 10th, 2018 10:38 pm
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Dogmax
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M.P. Shaudd wrote:
Appreciate the look Dogmax. My guitar skills are at their infancy at best and unfortunately I can't even provide that much as of yet. Hence my other response under the I am. Lyricist somewhat, musician, not so much.

No problem man understand, getting back to your lyrics, first line on reading i was a bit confuse with the first line "On her empty bedroom dresser, sat the papers" your next three lines took me back to your first line, missing one word i think "On her empty bedroom dresser, sat the divorce papers" to me that gets me straight into what your lyric is about, try the spoken word on recording and listen back and see and hear what you get from it, LongShadows right the mirror effect.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 12th, 2018 02:15 pm
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M.P. Shaudd
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Here are some changes. Thoughts? The 2 different chorus lines were done that way for 2 different ideas. Or, it could stay that way.

On her empty bedroom dresser, sat the papers
That relieved me of the vow
The one we took with hopes that we'd
Start our forever down the aisle


She signed her name, it said you're to blame
Now all I really want is to get out
She took the dog and left me with
All the memories in this house

When the vow breaks
The only heartache it makes
Are the lost empty feelings
No one can escape

What once was all give
Has turned to all take
And dread becomes fate
When the vow breaks

As I faced her for the last time, I couldn't help
But feel I'd been here before
As she walked down the center of that room
And stood across the floor

The judge just like the preacher wore a robe
But the benches weren't called pews
And when he asked me if I object
I almost said I do

When the vow breaks
The only heartache it makes
Are the lost empty feelings
No one can escape

What once was all give
Has turned to all take
And dread becomes fate
When the vow breaks

It just really takes the cake
How they split our marriage flame
When the vow breaks

Last edited on Tue Feb 13th, 2018 12:47 am by M.P. Shaudd



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 Posted: Mon Feb 12th, 2018 10:04 pm
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RainyDayMan
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In terms of the chorus how about
"no one can escape" and lose the "that" (if it fits).

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 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2018 05:50 am
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M.P. Shaudd
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I'm seeing several flaws, thanks RDM. Total rework in progress. Chorus stays everything else reworked.



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 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2018 07:01 am
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M.P. Shaudd
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Working on a condensed version also.

On her empty bedroom dresser, sat the papers
With a note attached that said, please sign me now
I hoped that we had somehow found forever
But I guess it wasn't written in our vows

The pale circle on my finger just reminds me Lord
That even the truest love can fade with time
When every little I do, turns into I dont
What's left to hold is just a warning sign

When the vow breaks
The only heartache it makes
Are the lost empty feelings
No one can escape

What once was all give
Has turned to all take
And dread becomes fate
When the vow breaks

As I faced her for the last time, I couldn't help
But somehow feel that I'd been here before
She walked down the aisle with her lawyer
Then she took her place, and stood across the floor

The judge just like the preacher wore a robe
But benches in a courtroom aren't called pews
So when he kindly asked me sir do you object
I paused for just a minute, cause I almost said I do

When the vow breaks
The only heartache it makes
Are the lost empty feelings
No one can escape

What once was all give
Has turned to all take
And dread becomes fate
When the vow breaks

Yeah dread becomes fate
When the vow breaks......

Last edited on Tue Feb 13th, 2018 04:42 pm by M.P. Shaudd



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 Posted: Sat Feb 17th, 2018 03:01 pm
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Seamus
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An interesting take on the world we live in, where promises are like pie crust and tumble in the middle.



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 Posted: Sat Feb 17th, 2018 09:29 pm
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M.P. Shaudd
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I agree, unfortunately it is reality.



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