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Whispered promises
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Fri Jan 12th, 2018 02:06 pm
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Seamus
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Our eyes met across the room
smiles showed we're both in tune
walked to where you were stood
couldn't believe you looked so good

said we should leave this place
brought a smile to your face
a little grin yours eyes alight
thought this might be my night

a hotel was the resting place
to end the night with smiling face
talking as we lay on the bed
amorous thoughts run through my head

I whispered promises to you
some were lies but most were true
caught in the moment I wanted you
told you what I want to do

you told me you wanted the same
was it real or just a game
then in the morning when I woke
wondered if you played a joke

no sign you were ever there
just a bed and a chair
were you real or in my dreams
very strange it all seems

I whispered promises to you
some were lies but most were true
caught in the moment I wanted you
told you what I want to do

CopyrightAlanEvans12012018



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 Posted: Sun Jan 14th, 2018 12:55 am
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RainyDayMan
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Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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This couplet is very good:
I whispered promises to you
some were lies but most were true

you've used that before right? And nothing wrong with re-using it either!

For the first verse what do you think of mixing past and present tenses to make it smoother like:
Our eyes meet across the room
Smiles show we're both in tune
Walked across to where you stood
Can't believe you look so good

I know that's not grammatically correct but to me it sounds better.

The main thing I see is that your chorus doesn't seem to be the heart of the song. You've got a sort of dream lover is she / isnt she thing happening, but the chorus is about whispered promises, which doesnt seem to match up.

I don't think this line is working for you either:
told you what I want to do
it feels like filler.

But there's enough that's good here to make it worth pursuing.

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