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Lost
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 Posted: Wed Jan 3rd, 2018 04:58 am
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sandyshores123
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Joined: Tue Jan 2nd, 2018
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii USA
Posts: 4
Favorite Artist: Streetlight Cadence, Zendaya, Beyonce
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
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Hello again
I hope you know I've missed you ever since that day
And till the end
I know that I'll regret everything I didn't say

And I think of you every single day
And every time I do I see your face
And wonder if it isn't too late for us to change
Every single word that came out wrong
Haunted me right after you were gone
And it won't ever stop unless one of us comes and says

Don't you ever think I won't come running
Don't you ever think I won't care when you die
Don't you ever think I'd leave you lost and alone in the dead of night
Don't you ever think that I'm not coming
Don't you ever think I'd say goodbye
Don't you ever think if you were lost and alone I wouldn't show you to the light
Wouldn't show you to the light, oh

Hello again
I hope you know I didn't mean a single thing
And now and then
Are the same but it doesn't have to be that way

And I think of you every single day
And every time I do I see your face
And wonder if it isn't too late for us to change
Every single word that came out wrong
Haunted me right after you were gone
And it won't ever stop unless one of us comes and says

Don't you ever think I won't come running
Don't you ever think I won't care when you die
Don't you ever think I'd leave you lost and alone in the dead of night
Don't you ever think that I'm not coming
Don't you ever think I'd say goodbye
Don't you ever think if you were lost and alone I wouldn't show you to the light
Wouldn't show you to the light, oh

And if you want to blame me, go ahead
It doesn't matter if I think it's you instead
Whatever it will take to bring back my friend

Don't you ever think I won't come running
Don't you ever think I won't care when you die
Don't you ever think I'd leave you lost and alone in the dead of night
Don't you ever think that I'm not coming
Don't you ever think I'd say goodbye
Don't you ever think if you were lost and alone I wouldn't show you to the light
Wouldn't show you to the light
Don't you ever think if you were lost and alone I wouldn't show you to the light



____________________
"The trouble with hope is that it's hard to resist."

--The Doctor
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 Posted: Thu Jan 4th, 2018 02:29 am
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RainyDayMan
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Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 3755
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
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Really good structure to this, easy to see which parts are musically repetitions.

I liked the rhyme on the very last word in the "Hello again..." sections. Subtle but nice!

My only suggestion would be to break up the "Don't you ever think" lines. It's always a risk commenting without hearing it, but it feels like there are too many in a row.
You might try using:
"Do you think I'd leave you lost ..." ;or
"That I'd leave you lost ..."
just to add some variation before returning to the
"Don't you ever think..." lines again

"Don't you ever think I won't care when you die"
seems like a fairly negative line for what is meant to be supportive and caring, but that's fairly minor.

With your musical abilities, are you able to record this at all? I get the sense you already have a melody for it.

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 Posted: Thu Jan 4th, 2018 05:20 am
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3rd Post
sandyshores123
Member


Joined: Tue Jan 2nd, 2018
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii USA
Posts: 4
Favorite Artist: Streetlight Cadence, Zendaya, Beyonce
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Thanks for your suggestions! I'll definitely use them.

I could record myself singing it, but not with an instrument because I haven't worked out the notes yet (I'm really bad at that part ;)).

Last edited on Thu Jan 4th, 2018 05:21 am by sandyshores123



____________________
"The trouble with hope is that it's hard to resist."

--The Doctor
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