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song lyric
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Thu Dec 7th, 2017 01:20 am
1st Post

Joined: Wed Dec 6th, 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 16
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter
I want an honest opinion if this is a usable lyric:

1st verse:
seeing the fluid sky surround like a wisp of revarie
promise of what comes as a vast rewarding mengerie
lavenders and playful thoughts swirl without a priority
this life can wait a stretch while the world spins fast drastically
it's the sound of my heart counting on fate to fullfill my days dreamily
i can wait until it's time and no hurry is on for me

2nd verse
do no better for chasing their tales so give no second thought
your purpose will show nothing needs to be planned or sought
this life shows you rainbows and dreams things of that can't be bought
we have the road we travel long before we take fights we fought
don't lose sight of your travels it's the gift that isn't taught
look at the great seas and hillsides and things that can't be caught

like the colorful skies and flying white swans i still exist
meaning as much as the mountain tops i still have livliness
forests greatness of a bush same as tall thick trees'as it sits
don't have to be on top we'll have some level of precdence
doesn't mean you have to give up because your just normal by chance
make your mistakes always knowing weakness still has relevance

3rd verse
so we're not kings or queens but we have our good life where we rule
my dog my cat my car in the yard makes me valuable
let me have my thoughts of safety and calmness with nothing cruel
let me see my point is made and choices are still affective fuel
if i'm a brick in the wall to stop the tidal waves i'm still a jewel
this fight to the top is wasted nothing there is viable

4th verse
that fly on the wall plain and bland is everyones wish to be
the heavens corrupted and no where important worth to be
that simple man they're not watching and he only will achieve
like jesus they hunted and made fate their loss effectively
stand strong strand of straw balancing on backs that can't be retrived

Attachment: still has relevance.txt (Downloaded 1 time)

Last edited on Thu Dec 7th, 2017 01:30 am by opal

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 Posted: Thu Dec 7th, 2017 05:53 am
2nd Post
TSF Administrator

Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4513
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
You asked for a professional opinion, and mine is strictly amateur, so bear that in mind.

The fact that you are asking for a professional opinion suggests you are looking to create a marketable lyric.
That means you need to target a specific genre and potentially even a specific artist for your lyric.

I don't see this following the format of any currently popular styles. Is it hip-hop, rap, rock, country cross-over etc etc? If it isn't, who will buy it?

From your introductory post, you indicated you are not a performing artist yourself, so that avenue isn't open to you. You need to create something that will appeal to a publisher / artist - ie you need to meet their needs rather than creating something for yourself.

That means emulating something that is already popular. Using song hooks that are simple and memorable. Getting to a chorus in about 30 seconds.

Your lyric is poetic, and if you are writing for yourself and for pleasure you can choose whatever style you want. If you desire to write professionally it is a very different matter.

So my advice is to choose whether or not you are trying to write a professional lyric. If so, pick an artist you like and try to write something they might sing.

If not, write whatever your inner voice suggests and be true to your vision - but don't expect to sell it.

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 Posted: Fri Dec 8th, 2017 11:30 pm
3rd Post

Joined: Wed Dec 6th, 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 16
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter
Sounds like good advice. I can't imagine writing for anyone I listen to. I like pop/folk/country/rock. I can't even pick a genre. I should search each type of song to see what topics and what layout they have.:thumbsup

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