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The fly
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Mon Nov 13th, 2017 12:40 am
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Seamus
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Thought we'd be great together
it was certainly worth a try
but what is normal for the spider
is confusion for the fly

in our haste with no time to waste
rushed in like theres no tomorrow
like these things when two hearts sing
some doomed to end in sorrow

Thought we'd be great together
it was certainly worth a try
but what is normal for the spider
is confusion for the fly

tried our best put love to the test
but we were worlds apart
could only agree to disagree
got off to a real bad start

we thought we'd be great together
it was certainly worth a try
but what is normal for the spider
is confusion for the fly

CopyrightAlanEvans12112017

Last edited on Mon Nov 13th, 2017 12:56 am by Seamus



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 Posted: Mon Nov 13th, 2017 08:49 pm
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RainyDayMan
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What a great line!
but what is normal for the spider
is confusion for the fly

Very evocative!

It does give the sense of "preying" upon the fly with a very one-sided relationship. I didn't get that from the verses though. Lines like:
like these things when two hearts sing
some doomed to end in sorrow

are much more equal, and just sad, rather than blaming the other person. In that sense it felt a little inconsistent. Are you going for angry/bitter or melancholic?

Your structure here is really clean. Strong chorus. Rhythmic verses. Lines feel like the right length. Good feel to it all round.

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 Posted: Thu Nov 16th, 2017 04:54 pm
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Lane
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almost the story of my love life....lol
good job Seamus



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