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Scars like these
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2017 03:44 am
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littlewhiteboy
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Yeah you came into my life like lighting,
Struck every single bone inside of me,
Blinded me ever so slightly,
The only thing I saw was you,

Yeah you electrocuted my soul,
Took me to a place I thought I'd never go,
Had me feeling like a superhero,
But I went spinning out of control,

My biggest vice is lying to the ones I love,
Until now it didn't hurt so much,
But after all of the pain, suffering and such,
I'm still not sorry,
I'm still not sorry,
Because now I have scars like these,

For a while I said I was fine,
Drinking kept you off of my mind,
But as I flowed through the sands of time,
I'm not okay, I'm still not okay

I regret the times I never realized,
The sadness and pain in your eyes,
I thought your heart was as lost as mine,
But that's not okay, that's not okay

My biggest vice is lying to the ones I love,
Until now it didn't hurt so much,
But after all of the pain, suffering and such,
I'm still not sorry,
I'm still not sorry,
Because now I have scars like these

After all of the things that were spoken,
I never called back just hoping,
Your trust in me wasn't broken,
But that was far from the truth,

Because I let you go without warning,
I never meant to come off so ornery,
Yeah I tried to lie to you,
To avoid the pain I'd put you through,
If you stayed,

Oh why couldn't you stay,
Stay anyway--,




My biggest vice is lying to the ones I love,
Until now it didn't hurt, so damn much,
And after all of the pain, suffering and such,
Now I'm sorry,
Now I'm sorry,
Because... now we have scars like these



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 Posted: Sat Jul 22nd, 2017 11:04 am
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Dogmax
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This to me reads like Rap and with the right beats could be a really good Rap song, like to know whats your music ideas for this is.



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 Posted: Mon Jul 24th, 2017 04:17 am
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RainyDayMan
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I like your opening lines:
Yeah you came into my life like lighting,
Struck every single bone inside of me

that's a lovely visual.

I'm less sure about:
Blinded me ever so slightly
felt a bit like a forced rhyme there

V2 feels pretty solid too, and I like how you carried through the electricity theme

I don't really connect with the chorus though.
It starts like he's apologizing for lying, then specifically says "I'm still not sorry".
Why isn't he sorry? And what scars are being referred to? And what is so good about having them?
Just reading that makes me feel this guy is a jerk.

Feels like rock rather than rap to me. And the rhythm of the verses feels like it should work nicely.

I just don't like the chorus.

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2017 04:06 am
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littlewhiteboy
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First of all thanks for reading and giving me some feedback. The chorus didn't seem right to me either. I just kinda forced it outs I kept writing some more and was wondering what you'd think about this instead

"It starts with a smile and ends with a kiss,
The kisses stop when trust no longer exists,
We began to realize all the moments we'd missed,
Our love was never supposed to end like this,

Lost in the park, like a dog without a collar,
Lost in the wave, like a broken sand dollar"

Thanks!



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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2017 04:30 am
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RainyDayMan
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I think that's an improvement.

You could use begin rather than began to keep it all in the present tense if you want to.
And possibly we've rather than we'd to make it easier to sing.

The syllable count feels a little uneven, but best to leave that until you have a melody to set it against. You can't judge that until you hear the music.

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