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Lodestar
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Jul 2nd, 2017 04:19 am
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fasstrack
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Probably the simplest, most direct lyric I've written:

LODESTAR Joel Fass © 2017 Exemplar (ASCAP)

When life looks dark, from every view
I am so grateful for having you
When I’ve no direction, no hope in view
My thoughts return---return to you

You are my lodestar, my spirit’s center
When things look grey---you turn them magenta
You’re illumination, when my world goes black
I need only look up, and the light comes back

Lodestar, stay there---on high
Don’t take love's light away
Keep it for me in the sky

We all need to get home---after drifting far
But I’m never really lost---with you, my lodestar

Last edited on Sun Jul 2nd, 2017 05:12 am by fasstrack



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 Posted: Tue Jul 4th, 2017 06:55 am
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RainyDayMan
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I like that first verse. starts nicely.

You may need to let people know earlier that you are referring to a star. For me, it wasn't until:
Lodestar, stay there---on high
that I realized that that was what you meant.
Perhaps I was confusing it with lodestone, up until that point I was thinking of it more as an abstract direction. I know it is in the name, but if I got it wrong others may too. Would be good to hear some other points of view on that.

This line really grates with me:
When things look grey---you turn them magenta
That just sounds like a forced rhyme. And what is so good about magenta?
Another suggestion:
You’re illumination, when my world goes black > You’re illumination, when my world is black
At first I didn't like the magenta/black lines being close together, but if you changed magenta then the black line should be fine.

I like the concept, and there are some nice lines, but I think it needs some work yet

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 Posted: Tue Jul 4th, 2017 07:04 am
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fasstrack
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deleted...

Last edited on Tue Jul 4th, 2017 07:22 am by fasstrack



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 Posted: Tue Jul 4th, 2017 07:13 am
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fasstrack
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deleted...

Last edited on Tue Jul 4th, 2017 07:22 am by fasstrack



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 Posted: Tue Jul 4th, 2017 07:20 am
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fasstrack
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OK, here's the rewrite:



LODESTAR Joel Fass © 2017 Exemplar (ASCAP)

When life looks dark, from every view
I am so grateful for having you
When I’ve no direction, left to pursue
My thoughts return---return to you

You are my lodestar, my spirit you restore
When things seem dreary---you make me cheery once more
You’re illumination, when my world is black
I've only to look up, and the light comes back

Lodestar, stay there---on high
Don’t take love’s light away, keep it for me there
Up in the sky

We all need to get back home---after drifting far
But I’m never really lost---with you, lodestar

Last edited on Thu Jul 6th, 2017 03:21 am by fasstrack



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 Posted: Tue Jul 4th, 2017 10:56 am
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RainyDayMan
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I think you've improved that considerably. :)
I particularly liked these new lines:
You’re illumination, when my world is black
I need only look up, and the light comes back


What sort of feeling are you going for, Joel?
Are you looking for a spiritual tone, or is it something lighter?
The reason I ask is re this line:
When things look dreary---you get me cheery once more
If it's the lighter version then that fits nicely. If it's the more spiritual one, I think it would be too light to fit well.

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 Posted: Tue Jul 4th, 2017 02:39 pm
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fasstrack
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It's a sloooow ballad in D. I worked through the night to morning---never slept---and I really have something, I believe. Gonna run this, and 2 other s songs I finished recently, by a wonderful singer I met here in PA, who likes my songs. This melody is made to order for her bell-like voice...



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 Posted: Tue Jul 4th, 2017 03:13 pm
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fasstrack
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Those lines you refer to at the end of your comment were a response to you and another guy shouting down that stupid ‘magenta’ rhyme. I’m glad I listened to reason. It works for me…



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 Posted: Thu Jul 6th, 2017 03:33 am
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RainyDayMan
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fasstrack wrote:
Gonna run this, and 2 other s songs I finished recently, by a wonderful singer I met here in PA, who likes my songs.

Very best of luck with that!

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 Posted: Thu Jul 6th, 2017 04:06 am
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fasstrack
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Now I'm waiting for the multi-function printer I FINALLY bought today (YAY!) to be properly connected (my internet connection is iffy here) w/a cable I'll buy tomorrow. Then I can scan my lead sheet, send it around, post it here (I hope)...



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 Posted: Mon Jul 17th, 2017 08:50 pm
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fasstrack
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Sheet music:

Attachment: lodestar sheet_20170714_0001.pdf (Downloaded 0 times)



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