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 Posted: Mon Jun 12th, 2017 03:44 pm
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jmc123654
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A twin bed is just big enough
That is, unless I miss my guess
Let’s get tangled in the sheets.
Turn my hair to a complete mess

I will kiss your lips tenderly
if you playfully pinch my butt.
I’ll pretend to run away then
stop and be very affectionate.

I give it all. Will I fall in love?
You’re a better man than most.
The sun shines. A new day starts.
I leave silently, don’t wake my host.

(instrumental)
You have been a great host
So I’ll leave you with a note.

“I am sorry I never loved you
Your arms held me just right
Can saying it make it true?
At least we have last night.
At least we have last night.”

<possibly repeat verse 1 to close>



Rhyme scheme changes in last section.
I wrote most of that section first,
thinking it would be chorus,
but when I got into the verses,
that didn't feel right.
Not sure what to do with it,
or if this works.

Last edited on Mon Jun 12th, 2017 09:27 pm by jmc123654



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 Posted: Mon Jun 12th, 2017 09:26 pm
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jmc123654
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A twin bed is just big enough
That is, unless I miss my guess
Let’s get tangled in the sheets.
Turn my hair to a complete mess

Then a trip where the doctor said
our first child would soon be here
I sat there pondering what to do
We'll get married, you made that clear.


“I am sorry I never loved you
But your arms held me just right
Can saying it make it true?
At least we have that night."

So we married and Molly Came
She is always a happy child
but I wonder if we did right
Cause my life seems a little wild


“I am sorry I never loved you
but your arms held me just right
Can saying it make it true?
At least we have that night."

I cook and clean and care for Molly
And you go to work everyday
You and I don't have any time together
I need that if you want me to stay.

“I am sorry I never loved you
but your arms held me just right
Can saying it make it true?
At least we have that night."

You could still grow in my heart
and convince me that we shouldn't part
What would you say to me
If only I could make you see...

that
“I am sorry I never loved you
but your arms held me just right
Can saying it make it true?
At least we have that night."
"At least we have that night."



Hope this is better.



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 Posted: Mon Jun 12th, 2017 11:28 pm
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fasstrack
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It IS better. Glad you lost that 'pinch my butt/affectionate' line. No one would've bought that.

The 'pillow talk' in the 1st verse reminds me of 'Ruining the sheets real fine' in You Make Me Mellow.

Keep on keepin' on...



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 Posted: Mon Jun 12th, 2017 11:46 pm
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RainyDayMan
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I really like that first verse. The playful nature of it. To be honest it feels a bit out of step with the rest which is more serious and sad. I wonder whether you have two songs mixed together here?



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 Posted: Tue Jun 13th, 2017 02:48 am
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jmc123654
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Fasstrack, I'm glad that you feel it's better. Is there anything else that I should change in your opinion?

Rainydayman, if other people feel the same I will change it however, it kind of fits the idea that the first paragraph were just two kids thinking they were having fun. The rest of the song they have to settle down or try to settle down and make a home, raise a family. Which is undeniably a lot of work.



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 Posted: Tue Jun 13th, 2017 02:50 am
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jmc123654
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:):danceface:Thumbs:Thumbs:):):)

Last edited on Tue Jun 13th, 2017 02:54 am by jmc123654



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 09:40 pm
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fasstrack
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jmc123654 wrote:
Fasstrack, I'm glad that you feel it's better. Is there anything else that I should change in your opinion?
Dunno. I'm not a critic, just another schlub. But I'll look at it again.

And please call me Joel...



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 09:47 pm
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fasstrack
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OK (cracks knuckles):

I would put 'cut to'---the stuff about a trip to the doctor. It's important (per Sheila Davis, whose books are very helpful) to make your timeline clear to the listener.

Also, 'my life is a little wild' doesn't seem quite the emotion a person perhaps ambivalent but loving of an unwanted child would express. Maybe it rhymes, but it needs to be in keeping with the story. I think by 'wild' you were trying to say that the person isn't ready to settle down to kids and marriage, but you have to make that clear.

Edit/rewrite some more. You're on the right track...

Last edited on Wed Jun 14th, 2017 09:48 pm by fasstrack



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 10:45 pm
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jmc123654
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A twin bed is just big enough
That is, unless I miss my guess
Let’s get tangled in the sheets.
Turn my hair to a complete mess

Two months later the doctor said
our first child would soon be here
I sat there pondering what to do
We'll get married, you made that clear.


“I am sorry I never loved you
But your arms held me just right
Can saying it make it true?
At least we have that night."

So we married and Molly came
She is always a happy little gal
but I wonder if we did right
Taming my Wild heart makes my day mechanical

“I am sorry I never loved you
but your arms held me just right
Can saying it make it true?
At least we have that night."

I cook and clean and care for Molly
And you go to work everyday
You and I don't have any time together
I need that if you want me to stay.

“I am sorry I never loved you
but your arms held me just right
Can saying it make it true?
At least we have that night."

You could still grow in my heart
and convince me that we shouldn't part
What would you say to me
If only I could make you see...

that
“I am sorry I never loved you
but your arms held me just right
Can saying it make it true?
At least we have that night."
"At least we have that night."



Is mechanical too hard of a word to sing?



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 10:48 pm
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jmc123654
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Could change that line to

days we're fun, now they're mechanical



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 10:48 pm
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jmc123654
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Could change that line to

days we're fun, now they're mechanical



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 10:49 pm
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jmc123654
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Oops, voice dictation put an apostrophe in were



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 10:53 pm
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fasstrack
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PLEASE do not use 'mechanical'. I'm BEGGING you! Clumsy, unsingable, and just not a good choice. (None of this intended as insult, understand?. Sorry if I'm being harsh).

Maybe:

'Days were fun---now they're
Run---of the mill?

Last edited on Wed Jun 14th, 2017 10:55 pm by fasstrack



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 10:56 pm
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jmc123654
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Okay, if I change it to your suggestion run-of-the-mill does that make them a marketable set of lyrics in your opinion?
Take your word on it as I'm sure you have more experience in the field than I do.



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 11:00 pm
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fasstrack
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jmc123654 wrote:
Okay, if I change it to your suggestion run-of-the-mill does that make them a marketable set of lyrics in your opinion?
Take your word on it as I'm sure you have more experience in the field than I do.
Ha! You're kidding, right? I never made a DIME on a song (although one is well-known on the web b/c it was featured in a PSA video).

You're asking a guy who has to borrow gas money to get to work playing for tips in Philly what's 'marketable?!

Like Joe Pesci as Tommy in Goodfellas, you're a FUNNY GUY (LOL)...

Last edited on Wed Jun 14th, 2017 11:01 pm by fasstrack



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 11:06 pm
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jmc123654
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Gal actually, but thank you for helping me.



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 Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2017 11:09 pm
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fasstrack
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OK, then. I never know (or care) what gender a person is here, especially w/o an 'avatar'.

But, really: I can see you're serious about getting feedback. Just know that I'm a professional guitarist whose songs are just getting out now. It's not like I have a track record of hits. Anything I write is opinion, nothing more. Please take it as that...



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