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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 02:04 am |
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fasstrack
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This is really a theater type song. (With apologies to Cy Coleman-Michael Stewart's I Love My Wife---which it IS a sort of take-off on).
I'm wondering if the verse (I mean verse in the 'old' sense) is necessary, or if the story is sufficiently told w/o it.
What are your thoughts?
I LOVE YOUR WIFE Joel Fass © 2017 Exemplar (ASCAP)
Verse:
We all have our share of crises in life
Well, have I got a doozy for you!
We’re born to our share of joy and strife
So what do I feel now?
(Spoken) Indeed (sung)what do I feel now?
A:
I love your wife
Didn’t want to fall
But I did, and for life
Fell beyond recall
A2:
I love her face
I love her grace
Her eyes, her thighs
(Sardonically) Am I unwise?
B1:
What have we here?
A sticky situation
A confusing conflation
And I’m way beyond my station!
For you and me
I see a woeful end
To this tragedy I seemingly have penned
And what of her?
Will she want to take this ride?
Or is this a bend in the road she never will abide?
(instr. break)
B2:
Do I act on this madness?
Subdue it? Pursue her?
Will I take down three if successfully
I woo her?
C:
Life has its share
Of unexpected turns
But this one burns
Oh, how it burns!
I love your wife
And curse this strife!
Swear on my life
I love your wife
Last edited on Mon May 15th, 2017 02:12 am by fasstrack
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 03:29 am |
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RainyDayMan
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Has a nice bouncy, fun feel to it!
I don't think it needs the verse. It works fine without it.
If you want to use it, I would try to set up a twist. Since the title is 'I love your wife' it is presumably sung towards the husband. You could for example start in an amicable way along the lines of:
I've fallen in love let me tell you about it...
which then ends up being his wife that you are in love with.
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 03:49 am |
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fasstrack
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It's interesting what you say.
I definitely DON'T want it to have a 'bouncy' feel---it's a serious 'situation' song, and the man telling the story is guilt and angst-ridden, but still musing about trying for her. That's why I made it a ballad. The humor is supposed to be sardonic, not bouncy. So it's definitely not good if one gets that impression.
As far as the 'twist' thing, I hear you. It worked well in Guess Who I Saw Today? The 'twist' was at the very last line. But I went with my instinct, and the verse sets up what inevitably follows. That's why I'll probably keep it.
Also, FWIW, and it may or may not be true----I studied years ago with the great arranger Bill Finegan. He told me once that it helps to have a hit if the title is in the first line of the (body of) the song. That may be archaic thinking, and Bill was not a songwriter, but he knew the work and was also friends with both Billy Strayhorn and Alec Wilder, so I don't take his words lightly. I don't think I was trying to follow that or any other formula. I tend to write intuitively and from titles. This just turned out the way it did because...
I struggled with and dumped some lines, but there's always more to hone: Writing is re-writing (I believe Sondheim said that).
I appreciate the feedback, and will think on it---but would like to hear from other writers as well.
Thanks again...
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 03:53 am |
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fasstrack
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On 2nd thought, you are onto something!
Maybe I can re-write the verse in the way you suggest, and the first line of the body will be the 'sucker punch', and thereby more effective.
Back to work...
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 03:55 am |
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 04:07 am |
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fasstrack
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How about this for the verse:
My friend, I've got a story for you
And is it ever a doozy!
I've fallen in love---fallen so hard
I can hardly speak for being woozy
But a story begun must be told 'til it's done
And this one for you can't be missed
I strongly suggest that you sit down
For I'm starting right off with the twist:
I love your wife....etc.
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 04:35 am |
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fasstrack
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I spotted a potential problem of consistency:
In bridge 2 (Do I act on this madness, etc.) it seems to now have turned into a soliloquy, breaking the pattern of the conversation with the friend.
Should I dump it?
What do yiz think?Last edited on Mon May 15th, 2017 04:44 am by fasstrack
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 04:59 am |
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fasstrack
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I answered my own question: dumped it. Always best to stick to one idea and distill it.
Still open for suggestions, though...
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 05:02 am |
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fasstrack
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Final cut:
Verse:
My friend, I’ve got a story for you
And is it ever a doozy!
I’ve fallen in love---fallen so hard
I can hardly speak for being woozy
But a story begun must be told ‘til it’s done
And for you this one’s not to be missed
So I strongly suggest that first you sit down
And brace yourself, it starts with a twist:
A1:
I love your wife
Didn’t want to fall
But I did, and for life
Fell beyond recall
A2:
I love her face
I love her grace
Her eyes, her thighs
(Sardonically) Am I unwise?
Bridge:
What have we here?
A sticky situation
A confusing conflation
And I’m way beyond my station!
For you and for me
I see a woeful end
To this tragedy I seemingly have penned
And what of her?
Will she want to take the ride?
Or is this a bend in the road she never will abide?
(instr. break)
C:
Life has its share
Of unexpected turns
But this one burns
Oh, how it burns!
I love your wife
God damn this strife!
Swear on my life!
I love your wifeLast edited on Tue May 16th, 2017 11:52 am by fasstrack
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 09:20 pm |
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fasstrack
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Thank you, Rainy Day Man. I think I got my lyric now---with a verse as you suggested, and it's way better than what i had.
Now to finish/revise the melody...
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| Posted: Mon May 15th, 2017 11:39 pm |
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| Posted: Wed May 17th, 2017 03:41 pm |
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jcollins
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Hi, your title totally caught my attention. You did a great job of this. I like her thighs too!
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Jerry
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| Posted: Thu May 18th, 2017 01:09 am |
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fasstrack
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Ha!
It's a true story---I really did fall for a guy's wife. (2nd time it happened, too). Except, I never met the husband (and hope for both our sakes I don't), and she's one of my best friends for 20 years, so I really DIDN'T want to fall. We got over it, anyway.
Thighs? She's skinny (but quite beautiful) and modest. I never gawked at them. She inspired 3 songs, and probably has no clue, but she knows how I feel. She'd be none too pleased if she heard this song, she'd know in a heartbeat who it's about, and I might get smacked. (No, she's a Christian. She'd be upset, though, all joking aside).
My standard line re women is that I have 'great taste, but slow legs'---another potential title.
Thanks for the positive vibes...Last edited on Thu May 18th, 2017 02:05 am by fasstrack
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| Posted: Thu May 18th, 2017 01:18 am |
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