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Sinners and winners
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Jan 15th, 2017 09:32 pm
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Seamus
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Sinners and winners

I was a sinner now I'm a winner
now that I've found the lord
the devil that drove me
in my head he told me
to follow the way of the sword

many I've slain it's all been insane
I've left a path of horror and pain
no good as come from the things that I've done
my life with the devil in vain

Jesus then came he called me by name
said now is the time to change tack
you followed the wrong road with lies you were told
now it's time that I took you back

In my name is the truth and I'll give you the proof
for all the world to see
time to give up the fight my way is the light
if you come and follow me

your darkness will fade as you leave the shade
as you follow the light that is bright
as you leave the dark it will uplift your heart
I'll take you to day from the night

The devil can't win with his life full of sin
promises he as no intention to keep
he'll whisper in your ear things that are not clear
and laugh at the havoc he reaps

so don't be a sinner you can be a winner
follow the path of the Lord
don't give in to a life of sin
time to put down your sword

CopyrightAlan Evans14/10/2014



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I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work. Thomas Edison (1847-1931)
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 Posted: Fri Feb 17th, 2017 08:55 pm
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RainyDayMan
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This one isn't really my genre, so take any comments with a grain of salt!

I like your first verse the most. It seems simple and clean and I can imagine this being sung in a gospel style.

I like the internal rhymes that you are using across the verses

V2 feels a bit negative to me with references to horror, pain and insanity. It also loses the simplicity that was in v1.

In v3 there is an awkward phrase where you are trying to keep to the rhyming scheme:
with lies you were told
I would try to rewrite that

v4-6 seem ok, but they don't quite have the power of v1

In your final verse you return to sinner/winner and I think that's a good way to finish up.

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 Posted: Sat Jun 10th, 2017 03:09 pm
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Seamus
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Thanks for commenting.



____________________
I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work. Thomas Edison (1847-1931)
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