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Chorus for a song (Opinions Please)
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 Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2013 04:13 pm
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Angel of Nothing
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So I've had this chorus for the past couple of months but I don't know if it's really any good or not. Here it is let me know what you thinks.

"I won't be the next link in the chain
Of your self-destructive ways
No I won't play this game
I'm not waiting here again
I already watched our love slip away."

Thanks everyone.

~Kayleigh

Last edited on Thu Jan 17th, 2013 04:38 pm by Angel of Nothing



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 Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2013 06:03 pm
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just1L
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Well, there's not much to go on really but depending on how it is performed this seems like it would work for a chorus, verse or bridge. I think overall it is a good set of lyrics. One thing I could recommend is if this is indeed going to be your chorus is to make the verses have a different end-rhyme sound.

These lyrics all rhyme with the "a" sound (chain, ways, game, again, away)

It is good practice, and maybe a written rule somewhere, that you want to make your verses different from the chorus when it comes to end rhymes. Otherwise there's a chance that the song will sound monotonous to the listener.



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 Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2013 06:17 pm
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Angel of Nothing
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Thanks for the advice I didn't even notice that.



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 Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2013 06:59 pm
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just1L
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No problem at all. Just to make sure I was clear, what you currently have is totally good. Just something to think about when you add your verses.

Last edited on Thu Jan 17th, 2013 06:59 pm by just1L



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 Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2013 10:18 pm
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hardtwistmusic
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It's a great place to start, and it sings rather dramatically. I think you're on to something.



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 Posted: Thu Jan 24th, 2013 05:49 am
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carrpin
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Seems to me its a verse thats begging to  lead into a chorus  something like this. FWIW  ,Keep or Sweep,

"I won't be the next link in the chain
Of your self-destructive ways
No I won't play this game
I'm not waiting here again
I already watched our love slip away."
There's only  one thing left to saaaaaayy

I aint going  nowhere
its  you that's got  to  choose

So  pack  your  bags and worn out shoes
take  your self and your   hard done by   blues.
Ive had enough  of  us.
Now here's  your ticket  for a greyhound  bus


cos  ....I aint going  nowhere...


Last edited on Thu Jan 24th, 2013 05:51 am by carrpin

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 Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2013 05:26 pm
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hardtwistmusic
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Angel of Nothing wrote:
So I've had this chorus for the past couple of months but I don't know if it's really any good or not. Here it is let me know what you thinks.

"I won't be the next link in the chain
Of your self-destructive ways
No I won't play this game
I'm not waiting here again
I already watched our love slip away."

Thanks everyone.

~Kayleigh


I can't know how you're melody sounds... but for me, the first line lurches a little at "the next."

The cadence seems to me (again without knowing your melody) to be asking for "I won't be A link in the chain
of your self destructive ways."

The melody will dictate.

Aside from that, this is really powerful in my opinion.



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 Posted: Mon Jan 28th, 2013 11:41 pm
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Angel of Nothing
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I think I'll play around with this and see what happens.

@hardtwistmusic I don't have any recording equipment right now so I can't put up melodies with my lyrics.



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