The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters > Lyrics Lounge > Works in Progress (All Genres) > A Song I would like comments on |
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Above Infection Member ![]()
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The wait I didn’t know I was waiting How long has it been since I first saw you? Your eyes never caught me like they do now Pass you like any other person like you were no different Now I look for you every time I can. Its funny how life works like that Going from Oblivious to Obvious I guess God has a sense of humor. ~ (chorus) So now I make it known That you have made yourself known Why wait any longer It took me forever Now it’s time to ask you one question What took you so long? ~ It’s crazy to think that I never noticed you Your cute smile never catching my attention Now I’m wondering if you noticed me Was I as invisible as you were? Or did you choose to not see me. Oh but that’s not going to stop me From showing you that you are seen ~ (chorus) ~ What else is there to say but I’m ready for this to happen. I have waited an unbearably easy long time. And now its time to end the wait I didn’t know I was waiting . ~ (chorus)
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sophiaraquellyrics Member ![]()
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Hi! This is a really cool piece of work! I have some thoughts though... I was curious as to if you had music written for this to go along with the lyrics? I also was thinking, you could consider changing "Your cute smile never catching my attention" to adding a more unique adjective to replace the word cute. Possibly one that could leave the listener thinking more. My other idea, you could re-write this line, "I have waited an unbearably easy long time." because I feel as if 'unbearably easy long' could be a mouthful with all the syllables. I like the word unbearable quite a bit, it is up to you, but I could see the line becoming "I have been waiting for an unbearable amount of time" Good luck, and keep up the good work! --Sophia Raquel |
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ADrunkPanda Member ![]()
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Very poetic. I like your lines and how they are written. The overall theme is pretty interesting, too (meeting somebody then asking "Why have you come just now?"). One thing that could be checked on is the chorus. The rhyme scheme is constant, and then it is changed. The line "Now it's time to ask you one question" could be changed so it can be consistent with the rhyme scheme of the rest of the chorus. The verses, though, look good. Overall good work! |
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Above Infection Member ![]()
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sophiaraquellyrics wrote: Hi!Yes, i understand what you mean with that being a mouthful. but what i was trying to say was it was too long of a wait that was easy because i didn't know i was waiting. so maybe not your idea but it does need changed so thank you . |