The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

A Song I would like comments on
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Mon Jan 7th, 2013 03:08 am
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
Above Infection
Member


Joined: Mon Dec 3rd, 2012
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 9
Favorite Artist: The Rocket Summer
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline

The wait I didn’t know I was waiting

How long has it been since I first saw you?

Your eyes never caught me like they do now

Pass you like any other person like you were no different

Now I look for you every time I can.

Its funny how life works like that

Going from Oblivious to Obvious

I guess God has a sense of humor.

~

(chorus)

So now I make it known

That you have made yourself known

Why wait any longer

It took me forever

Now it’s time to ask you one question

What took you so long?

~

It’s crazy to think that I never noticed you

Your cute smile never catching my attention

Now I’m wondering if you noticed me

Was I as invisible as you were?

Or did you choose to not see me.

Oh but that’s not going to stop me

From showing you that you are seen

~

(chorus)

~

What else is there to say but I’m ready for this to happen.

I have waited an unbearably easy long time.

And now its time to end the wait I didn’t know I was waiting .

~

(chorus)

 



____________________
I was Just A Phase
Back To Top 


 Posted: Wed Jan 9th, 2013 04:33 am
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
sophiaraquellyrics
Member


Joined: Sat Dec 15th, 2012
Location: Austin, Texas USA
Posts: 47
Favorite Artist: Colbie Caillat, Taylor Swift, The Fray, Keane, Eminem
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Hi!
This is a really cool piece of work! I have some thoughts though...
I was curious as to if you had music written for this to go along with the lyrics?

I also was thinking, you could consider changing "Your cute smile never catching my attention" to adding a more unique adjective to replace the word cute. Possibly one that could leave the listener thinking more.

My other idea, you could re-write this line, "I have waited an unbearably easy long time." because I feel as if 'unbearably easy long' could be a mouthful with all the syllables. I like the word unbearable quite a bit, it is up to you, but I could see the line becoming "I have been waiting for an unbearable amount of time"

Good luck, and keep up the good work!

--Sophia Raquel



____________________
“The number one reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten.” Vaibhav Shah
Back To Top


 Posted: Thu Jan 10th, 2013 02:57 am
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
ADrunkPanda
Member


Joined: Tue Dec 11th, 2012
Location:  
Posts: 44
Favorite Artist: Mumford and Sons
I am a: Musician
Status: 
Offline
Very poetic. I like your lines and how they are written. The overall theme is pretty interesting, too (meeting somebody then asking "Why have you come just now?").

One thing that could be checked on is the chorus. The rhyme scheme is constant, and then it is changed. The line "Now it's time to ask you one question" could be changed so it can be consistent with the rhyme scheme of the rest of the chorus. The verses, though, look good.

Overall good work!

Back To Top 


 Posted: Thu Jan 10th, 2013 03:39 am
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
Above Infection
Member


Joined: Mon Dec 3rd, 2012
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 9
Favorite Artist: The Rocket Summer
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
sophiaraquellyrics wrote: Hi!
This is a really cool piece of work! I have some thoughts though...
I was curious as to if you had music written for this to go along with the lyrics?

I also was thinking, you could consider changing "Your cute smile never catching my attention" to adding a more unique adjective to replace the word cute. Possibly one that could leave the listener thinking more.

My other idea, you could re-write this line, "I have waited an unbearably easy long time." because I feel as if 'unbearably easy long' could be a mouthful with all the syllables. I like the word unbearable quite a bit, it is up to you, but I could see the line becoming "I have been waiting for an unbearable amount of time"

Good luck, and keep up the good work!

--Sophia Raquel
Yes, i understand what you mean with that being a mouthful. but what i was trying to say was it was too long of a wait that was easy because i didn't know i was waiting. so maybe not your idea but it does need changed so thank you
.



____________________
I was Just A Phase
Back To Top


Current time is 10:47 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1523 seconds (16% database + 84% PHP). 27 queries executed.