The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters > Lyrics Lounge > Works in Progress (All Genres) > First Written Song - Sackboy |
The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters > Lyrics Lounge > Works in Progress (All Genres) > First Written Song - Sackboy |
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ADrunkPanda Member 
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I know the title might not make sense XD but this is what I thought up. (Verse) The seams are ripping The buttons are worn I am still holding on To this toy that's torn It's always there And it listens to me When I tell it stories Of what I could be (Chorus) I will never let it go It rests somewhere only I know I'll reach out to it And hold it close To remind me of the things I never had Those things I want the most (Verse 2) Pathetic as it is It still remains dear It takes me away Far from here I won't listen to them They're calling me home They don't see that I Have no place to go (Bridge?) In this "reality" There's everything for me I see love, warmth, a family Things that I won't see Yup. It may seem like I'm all over the place, and the rhyme scheme is simplistic. But hey, that's why I'm here, right? |
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just1L Member 
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Yes, I will say the title does nothing for the song. Sounds more like a derogatory statement than a title. Is this song about a stuffed animal you call sackboy?? Just curious on that one. Regardless, I think the song is moving in a good direction. To me it all reads well and works fine up until the line "I won't listen to them". Up until that point the song is about you and this object. That line kind of comes out of left field. I feel it needs something before it to let the listener know either: 1. Who is saying this 2. Why are they saying this 3. What are they saying that you won't listen to. I just feel there needs to be something more to help explain what is going on there. The other thing I noticed was the last two lines in the bridge. While I do understand what you're saying I think it is said awkwardly. You see, but you won't see is a tad confusing. Here's a sample with that bridge altered a bit to give a bit more clarity. Altered "reality" Everything is there for me. Love, warmth and a family. Things I'll never see. Overall I think this is an interesting tune and I'm curious as to what this object is. My alternate title suggestion would be Buttons. LOL  Randy |
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ADrunkPanda Member
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Thanks for looking at it. Well, the object (when I thought of it) was meant to be figurative (not sure if that's good or not). It was anything that a person escapes or goes to in order to escape the harsh realities of life, instead living in an alternate or imagined "place". In this case, it is a ragdoll. The "telling it stories" was consoling or revealing suppressed feelings or desires. Yeah, the 2nd half of the 2nd verse seems out of place compared to the others. I'll see what I can do to change it. If necessary, I'll rewrite some verses to clarify. I might probably change the title, too. It was based on a video game character. If I can't think of anything, "Buttons" will be considered. |
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just1L Member
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Now that I know a little more, I think ragdoll would work better than Buttons. You did do a good job of conveying what you were trying to as I did take it to mean what you described. So kudos to that. |
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ADrunkPanda Member
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Thanks. I'm having trouble with the melody, or chord progression. Not sure if it's too simple or not. The verse is Em C Bm C and then the chorus is G C (3x) Em C. The bridge I'm thinking about being C D Em. From looking at the lyrics, did it remind you of a certain melody or progression? |
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