The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

First Written Song - Sackboy
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2012 06:25 pm
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
ADrunkPanda
Member


Joined: Tue Dec 11th, 2012
Location:  
Posts: 44
Favorite Artist: Mumford and Sons
I am a: Musician
Status: 
Offline
I know the title might not make sense XD but this is what I thought up.

(Verse)
The seams are ripping
The buttons are worn
I am still holding on
To this toy that's torn
It's always there
And it listens to me
When I tell it stories
Of what I could be

(Chorus)
I will never let it go
It rests somewhere only I know
I'll reach out to it
And hold it close
To remind me of the things I never had
Those things I want the most

(Verse 2)
Pathetic as it is
It still remains dear
It takes me away
Far from here
I won't listen to them
They're calling me home
They don't see that I
Have no place to go

(Bridge?)
In this "reality"
There's everything for me
I see love, warmth, a family
Things that I won't see

Yup. It may seem like I'm all over the place, and the rhyme scheme is simplistic. But hey, that's why I'm here, right?

Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2012 08:37 pm
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
just1L
Member


Joined: Fri Nov 20th, 2009
Location: St. Louis, Missouri USA
Posts: 1830
Favorite Artist: Van Halen, ABBA, Sex Pistols, Pink Floyd, Beatles, Cheap Trick
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Yes, I will say the title does nothing for the song. Sounds more like a derogatory statement than a title. Is this song about a stuffed animal you call sackboy?? Just curious on that one. Regardless, I think the song is moving in a good direction. To me it all reads well and works fine up until the line "I won't listen to them". Up until that point the song is about you and this object. That line kind of comes out of left field. I feel it needs something before it to let the listener know either:
1. Who is saying this
2. Why are they saying this
3. What are they saying that you won't listen to.
I just feel there needs to be something more to help explain what is going on there.

The other thing I noticed was the last two lines in the bridge. While I do understand what you're saying I think it is said awkwardly. You see, but you won't see is a tad confusing. Here's a sample with that bridge altered a bit to give a bit more clarity.

Altered "reality"
Everything is there for me.
Love, warmth and a family.
Things I'll never see.

Overall I think this is an interesting tune and I'm curious as to what this object is. My alternate title suggestion would be Buttons. LOL :)

Randy



____________________
http://www.Just1L.com
Back To Top


 Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2012 10:03 pm
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
ADrunkPanda
Member


Joined: Tue Dec 11th, 2012
Location:  
Posts: 44
Favorite Artist: Mumford and Sons
I am a: Musician
Status: 
Offline
Thanks for looking at it. Well, the object (when I thought of it) was meant to be figurative (not sure if that's good or not). It was anything that a person escapes or goes to in order to escape the harsh realities of life, instead living in an alternate or imagined "place". In this case, it is a ragdoll. The "telling it stories" was consoling or revealing suppressed feelings or desires.

Yeah, the 2nd half of the 2nd verse seems out of place compared to the others. I'll see what I can do to change it. If necessary, I'll rewrite some verses to clarify.

I might probably change the title, too. It was based on a video game character. If I can't think of anything, "Buttons" will be considered.

Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2012 10:08 pm
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
just1L
Member


Joined: Fri Nov 20th, 2009
Location: St. Louis, Missouri USA
Posts: 1830
Favorite Artist: Van Halen, ABBA, Sex Pistols, Pink Floyd, Beatles, Cheap Trick
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Now that I know a little more, I think ragdoll would work better than Buttons. You did do a good job of conveying what you were trying to as I did take it to mean what you described. So kudos to that.



____________________
http://www.Just1L.com
Back To Top


 Posted: Fri Dec 14th, 2012 08:22 pm
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
ADrunkPanda
Member


Joined: Tue Dec 11th, 2012
Location:  
Posts: 44
Favorite Artist: Mumford and Sons
I am a: Musician
Status: 
Offline
Thanks. I'm having trouble with the melody, or chord progression. Not sure if it's too simple or not. The verse is Em C Bm C and then the chorus is G C (3x) Em C. The bridge I'm thinking about being C D Em.

From looking at the lyrics, did it remind you of a certain melody or progression?

Back To Top 


Current time is 11:48 am

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1510 seconds (15% database + 85% PHP). 25 queries executed.