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Above Infection
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Joined: Mon Dec 3rd, 2012
Location: Ohio USA
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Night Has Crept up
And if the day wasn't dark enough
I try and try to survive
All these emotions that seem to thrive
I left a stain on a heart
Got one back and it tears me apart
Losing people like i do everything
But that gives me this excuse to sing.
~
CHORUS-(havnt made it yet)
~
Finding myself in tears
Suffering from all these cares
It all works out in the end
But getting there is the hard thing
So here i am fighting the sting
~
CHORUS-
~
God has a funny way of showing
how situations in life help without you even knowing
Those tough feelings wont stay
As long as your ready for them to go away
~
CHORUS
~





Please Comment thank you!

Donna
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Seth, good for you, posting your first lyrical thoughts. That’s usually the hardest step for a beginner. :) Writing lyrics is a demanding craft like any other, and generally calls for a lot of revising. ‘The art of writing is in the re-writing’.

To begin with, without a chorus, you don’t actually have a lyric yet. ;) A chorus - the most important part of a song - is necessary in order for a reviewer to assess how well the lyric hangs together - how well the sections fit with each other to tell a story clearly and to have a strong emotional impact on the reader/listener.

Basically, verses set up the story, provide information; the chorus supports and sums up the theme as simply and infectiously as possible. The function of a bridge (if the writer decides to use one) is to pull the story forward, with a new element to provide interest and an extra emotional layer. It can shift the mood a little, add fresh meaning to what's gone before.

You'll find heaps of information on the functions of lyric sections and structure simply by googling.

Below are a few random comments that I hope will be useful when you’re finishing your first draft of the complete lyric. ;)

It’s important to present your lyric in a structured manner, with each verse having the same number of lines and metering, along with a consistent rhyme scheme.

Be sure to label sections, e.g. Verse/Pre-chorus/Chorus/Bridge, etc.

Avoid cliches, e.g. ‘heart’/’apart’. Always look for new, original ways to express a thought. This keeps listeners alert and listening. Avoid old-fashioned words like ‘thrive’ simply to force a rhyme.

In general, avoid rhyming couplets throughout a lyric. I note here your verses are all rhyming couplets. Therefore, be sure that the rhyming pattern in your chorus is different. Also make sure the the chorus has a different metering pattern, and that it’s not the same length as the verses. A rule of thumb is that if verses are long, the chorus is short, and vice versa. This kind of contrast contributes to the dynamics of a song.

Make sure you have a clear theme, a clear focus, so that the reader/listener knows exactly what message you want to convey. Who are the characters? What’s the plot? What are the who, where, when, why, etc? For instance, why is the singer unhappy? What emotions is he/she feeling? What specific thing(s) happened that caused them? Listeners need tangible details to help them identify with and sympathise with the singer. What people - or things - did the singer lose?

Country lyrics in particular need to be rich in specific details, and to sound conversational.

If you’re a beginning lyricist, books I strongly recommend are ‘Songwriting for Dummies’ by Peterik, Austin, & Bickford’ and ‘Lyrics: Writing Better Words for Your Songs’ by Rikky Rooksby. Also, anything by Pat Pattison (e.g. 'Writing Better Lyrics') or Sheila Davis. Pattison has a series of excellent videos online.

Matter of fact, Pat Pattison will be conducting a free 6-week online course in songwriting beginning March 1st. Check out this site.
https://www.coursera.org/
You'll be provided with an informative handbook (pdf file) that you can download.

Again, Google will bring up all kinds of useful, relevant information about structure and language.

Take a selection of your favourite songs and study how the authors set up the story, the kind of language and structure they use.

In fact, a very useful exercise is to take an existing lyric, and write your own lyric, following exactly the structure, rhyming, and metering, etc. (If you put music to it, you'd of course need to make the music quite different.)

Invest in a good thesaurus and rhyming dictionary. These will be invaluable. A good online rhyming dictionary is http://www.rhymezone.com.

In general, don’t refer back to the song itself (unless it’s about the song). It can be distracting, and take a listener out of the mood.

How about if you take what you have and do the following: determine what message you want to give the listener (what emotion you want her/him to feel), then restructure the lyric, label the sections, and write a chorus (which will have the title/hook in it). A simple structure would be Verse/Verse/Chorus/Verse/Bridge/Chorus, for example.

This will make it easier for folks to give your work a proper critique. :)

Donna

Last edited on Tue Dec 4th, 2012 04:39 am by Donna

Marty Ray Boone
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My thoughts for a chorus on this were these words: Day or night, I don't know, can I let emotions go? (This is just an idea for a beginning to a chorus). I hope this is helpful!

Above Infection
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Thank you, i really appreciate such an in depth comment and i respect your comments and will use them to improve this song and to improve the rest i have in my journals

Above Infection
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Joined: Mon Dec 3rd, 2012
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Marty Ray Boone wrote:
My thoughts for a chorus on this were these words: Day or night, I don't know, can I let emotions go? (This is just an idea for a beginning to a chorus). I hope this is helpful!
Hey not bad! i might use that. but even if i don't it helped stir my mind so thank you

hardtwistmusic
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Above Infection wrote:
Night Has Crept up
And if the day wasn't dark enough
I try and try to survive
All these emotions that seem to thrive
I left a stain on a heart
Got one back and it tears me apart
Losing people like i do everything
But that gives me this excuse to sing.
~
CHORUS-(havnt made it yet)
~
Finding myself in tears
Suffering from all these cares
It all works out in the end
But getting there is the hard thing
So here i am fighting the sting
~
CHORUS-
~
God has a funny way of showing
how situations in life help without you even knowing
Those tough feelings wont stay
As long as your ready for them to go away
~
CHORUS
~

Please Comment thank you!


I would begin the second line "AS if the night weren't dark enough" instead of "AND if the night weren't dark enough.

It would help to follow your thoughts if you provided the punctuation to let us know where sentences begin and end.
For instance...

"I try and try to survive
All these emotions that seem to thrive" is different and more readable if it reads "I try and try to survive
all these emotions that seem to thrive." The period and the lower case "A" in "all" are the only changes.... but it then conveys what I think was your intent that this is all one thought and one sentence.

It might not seem like punctuation matters in lyric writing, but it does.

I'm pretty sure that it's because you have a specific melody in mind, but every first line in your verses seems to me to have one too many syllables. Again, that's probably just because I can't "hear" your melodic idea as I read.

Overall, this is a real good start, and if you keep at it, I suspect you will make a real good song out of it.

Hope that helps.

hardtwistmusic
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Just FWIW... If I were writing this, I'd do the following with it. Don't necessarily think I'm right about any of it.

Night creeps in
as if the day wasn't dark enough.
I try to survive
These painful emotions that grow and thrive.
I stained a heart.
The stain returned, and it tears me apart.
Losing people like I lose everything
gives me this sad, sad, song to sing.

Fighting back these relentless tears.
Suffering from all these fearsome cares.
It all works out in the end,
but getting there is the hard thing.
So here I am dealing with the terrible sting

God has a funny way of showing
how situations help you without your knowing.
Those old tough feelings can only stay
if I'm not ready to banish them away.

Any of it you want to use, feel free, any you want to ignore, feel free to ignore.

Again.... I hope this helps.

Above Infection
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Joined: Mon Dec 3rd, 2012
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 9
Favorite Artist: The Rocket Summer
I am a: Songwriter
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hardtwistmusic wrote: Just FWIW... If I were writing this, I'd do the following with it. Don't necessarily think I'm right about any of it.

Night creeps in
as if the day wasn't dark enough.
I try to survive
These painful emotions that grow and thrive.
I stained a heart.
The stain returned, and it tears me apart.
Losing people like I lose everything
gives me this sad, sad, song to sing.

Fighting back these relentless tears.
Suffering from all these fearsome cares.
It all works out in the end,
but getting there is the hard thing.
So here I am dealing with the terrible sting

God has a funny way of showing
how situations help you without your knowing.
Those old tough feelings can only stay
if I'm not ready to banish them away.

Any of it you want to use, feel free, any you want to ignore, feel free to ignore.

Again.... I hope this helps.
I appreciate you helping. and i will use some of it. but i like some that i had. so either way thank you for keeping me thinking.

hardtwistmusic
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Joined: Sun Jan 8th, 2012
Location: Salem, Oregon USA
Posts: 679
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I am a: Songwriter
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Above Infection wrote:
hardtwistmusic wrote:

I appreciate you helping. and i will use some of it. but i like some that i had.


It's nice for me that you might use some of it. And it's good that you don't use every suggestion. I enjoyed the interaction.


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