|View single post by hardtwistmusic|
|Posted: Tue Dec 4th, 2012 09:05 pm||
|Above Infection wrote:
Night Has Crept up
I would begin the second line "AS if the night weren't dark enough" instead of "AND if the night weren't dark enough.
It would help to follow your thoughts if you provided the punctuation to let us know where sentences begin and end.
"I try and try to survive
All these emotions that seem to thrive" is different and more readable if it reads "I try and try to survive
all these emotions that seem to thrive." The period and the lower case "A" in "all" are the only changes.... but it then conveys what I think was your intent that this is all one thought and one sentence.
It might not seem like punctuation matters in lyric writing, but it does.
I'm pretty sure that it's because you have a specific melody in mind, but every first line in your verses seems to me to have one too many syllables. Again, that's probably just because I can't "hear" your melodic idea as I read.
Overall, this is a real good start, and if you keep at it, I suspect you will make a real good song out of it.
Hope that helps.