View single post by hardtwistmusic
 Posted: Tue Dec 4th, 2012 09:05 pm
PMQuoteReplyFull Topic
hardtwistmusic



Joined: Sun Jan 8th, 2012
Location: Salem, Oregon USA
Posts: 679
Status: 
Offline
Above Infection wrote:
Night Has Crept up
And if the day wasn't dark enough
I try and try to survive
All these emotions that seem to thrive
I left a stain on a heart
Got one back and it tears me apart
Losing people like i do everything
But that gives me this excuse to sing.
~
CHORUS-(havnt made it yet)
~
Finding myself in tears
Suffering from all these cares
It all works out in the end
But getting there is the hard thing
So here i am fighting the sting
~
CHORUS-
~
God has a funny way of showing
how situations in life help without you even knowing
Those tough feelings wont stay
As long as your ready for them to go away
~
CHORUS
~

Please Comment thank you!


I would begin the second line "AS if the night weren't dark enough" instead of "AND if the night weren't dark enough.

It would help to follow your thoughts if you provided the punctuation to let us know where sentences begin and end.
For instance...

"I try and try to survive
All these emotions that seem to thrive" is different and more readable if it reads "I try and try to survive
all these emotions that seem to thrive." The period and the lower case "A" in "all" are the only changes.... but it then conveys what I think was your intent that this is all one thought and one sentence.

It might not seem like punctuation matters in lyric writing, but it does.

I'm pretty sure that it's because you have a specific melody in mind, but every first line in your verses seems to me to have one too many syllables. Again, that's probably just because I can't "hear" your melodic idea as I read.

Overall, this is a real good start, and if you keep at it, I suspect you will make a real good song out of it.

Hope that helps.



____________________
http://www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

http://www.myspace.com/hardtwistsongs/
Close Window