View single post by SundownSam
 Posted: Fri May 14th, 2010 11:55 pm
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Joined: Thu Jul 24th, 2008
Location: Ellenwood , Georgia USA
Posts: 7967
Andy wrote: ....I went out and bought BIAB about a week ago .....I'm an engineer and this thing giving me nightmares!  
LOL  Join the crowd!!! It 's doing that to a lot of us these days! :shock:

Andy, nothing is actually giving me fits, it reads much smoother now than it did in the beginning! But since you're asking, here's a whole nickels worth this time and if this is a little too much pocket change for you please feel free to keep or sweep, okay? I may have to do this in stages as it comes to me, but here is the first coupla three suggestions.

In verse one, the second line seems a little forced to me, the rest is fine.  

Verse 1
I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye
too tell her we are one
my heart is sad and broken
I can’t imagine what I’ve done?

In verse two, the second line is the one I stumble a little on, it doesn't seem to read quite as smooth as the rest of it. But it may just be me.:?

Verse 2
My life has changed, I feel the pain
of losing the one I hold so dear
now I feel so helpless
knowing you are not here

In verse three, I stumble a little again on line 4.  But here again it may just be me.

Verse 3
One day soon I hope and pray
my dreams will come true
when I can hold you close again
and share the love we once knew

Lastly, on the chorus: Still don't know what to tell you on this part, but I'm going to have to stick by my original thoughts on it and say I still think it needs a little more of 'something' ....just don't know what yet.  :? But one more thing and then I'll go away and leave you alone for a while. The last line of the chorus is another place that seems to lose the flow a little. However, in this case, not enough words to make it flow as smoothly as the rest of the lines. 

She’s not around to hear my plea
so I’ll send a prayer above
I’m sure the angel’s will help me
find my lost love

Andy send it on, you've peaked my curosity. Oh and congrats on choreographing the dance! Sounds as though you're really starting to have fun with your songwriting and making music! :cool: 


First you write it with your heart - then you re-write it with your head

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