View single post by SundownSam
 Posted: Thu Apr 22nd, 2010 03:40 am
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SundownSam



Joined: Thu Jul 24th, 2008
Location: Ellenwood , Georgia USA
Posts: 7967
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Hi Andy, sorry for taking so long to get to around to reading your lyric. It is indeed a nice write, but there's a couple of things I'd like to point out that I hope will be helpful to you.

In verses 1 and 4 you're rhyming every other line,

 
Verse 1
She closed the door a while back
Why, I’ll never know
Sitting here alone I’ve lost track
My heart is heavy, my head hangs low

Verse 4
But one day soon I hope it to be
My dreams will come true
When I see you and hold you
And share the love we once knew

But in verses 2 and 3 you're rhyming back to back lines......

Verse 2
Things have changed, I know the fear
Of one I lost, the one so dear
Emotional wounds are hard to heal
From a love so distant, it’s still not real

Verse 3
Will she ever return for me to hold?
I’ve lost my lover, my friend you know
Still I don’t know what I’ve done
I fear my downfall has begun

The rhyming scheme really should be the same in a song to make for easier singing.

One other thing and then I'll go away and leave you in peace. lol

As a rule 4 verses in a song is a bit much but you're kinda ok with this one because it's not unusual for a verse to have as many as 8 lines in it and in a way that's kind of what you got here since you're singing all eight lines of the two verses before the chorus. So, under these circumstances if you were to go ahead and combine the first two verses and turn it into one verse then it would sort of be the same only instead of 4 separate verses you would now just have 2. (See below) But if you do this, be sure you don't do as I do with a lot of my songs and add another 8 line verse, especially if you're planning to pitch it to a publisher or you wish for it to have commercial value... and the reason for this is, it will probably be too long time wise if you do.  3 1/2 minutes, or in the neighborhood thereof, is the normal playing time for a song. So instead of adding a third verse, if you feel it needs something else then add a bridge.

Andy, not everyone's writing habits and styles are the same, so what works for one may not necessarily work for others, but I hope these two little tips will be helpful to you. But just so you know, the standard rule here on our two cents worth of suggestions is always 'keep or sweep' so please feel free to do so. :)

Verse 1
She closed the door a while back
Why, I’ll never know
Sitting here alone I’ve lost track
My heart is heavy, my head hangs low
Things have changed, I know the fear
Of one I lost, the one so dear
Emotional wounds are hard to heal
From a love so distant, it’s still not real

Chorus
  
Verse 2
Will she ever return for me to hold?
I’ve lost my lover, my friend you know
Still I don’t know what I’ve done
I fear my downfall has begun
But one day soon I hope it to be
My dreams will come true
When I see you and hold you
And share the love we once knew

Chorus





 

Last edited on Thu Apr 22nd, 2010 12:13 pm by SundownSam



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