 | PM |  | | Quote | | | Reply | | | Full Topic | |
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 2059 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
I think your lyrics would be well suited for verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus structure. I believe you have enough without the new verses to work best.
I took the liberty to include changes in a version, so feel free to ignore anything you do not like.
Repetition in the chorus is almost essential, so I added that. Oh yeah, I changed the title. For me 'The Beckham County Line' as a hook is intriguing.
The Beckham County Line (Title and Hook)
V1
Passin' through Western Oklahoma
Keep on 'til that Texas line
Don't even stop for fuel
Unless you plan on doin' time
Beckham County good ol' boys
Dyin' to stop and say "hello"
Itchin' to search your car
(With) No plans to let you go
(Chorus)
The Beckham County Line
Oh, The Beckham County line >>- this line is an extra. It might not work with music
Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
Oh, the Beckham County Line
V2
They're sure to find contraband (I still prefer something that evokes a visual, but this is ok)
Hell, the po-po don't play fair
Gathering up their "evidence"
Pullin' it out of thin air
DA's gonna get her court costs >>-court costs sounds odd - can you find something else? How about - DA's gonna get her numbers?
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
(Chorus)
The Beckham County Line
Oh, The Beckham County line
Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
Oh, the Beckham County Line
Bridge
Now take my warning serious (another used saying would be - Don't take my warning lightly)
I'm sittin' here awaiting bail >>- this isn't as strong as the guy already in jail. I like the original better.
Don't stop in Beckham County
Unless you're lookin for jail
Idea:
Don't take my warning lightly
I'm writing from my cell
A stop in Beckham County
Is a one way trip to Hell
Chorus)
The Beckham County Line
Oh, The Beckham County line
Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
Oh, the Beckham County Line
____________________
Andrea
| Close Window | |