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| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 260 |
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Hi Curtis,These are entertaining lyrics, with quite the background story. Sorry that happened to you - it sounds like a perfectly awful experience. Except the final verse, the rhyme scheme holds well (cell and jail do not rhyme. Maybe -- A stop in Beckham County ensures a stint in Hell). The syllable counts are a bit off, so I would try to tweak the lines a bit here and there.
I will start by saying country is not a genre I am too familiar with, so many of my comments may be off base.
V1 L1 seems like a mouthful to sing. I woud trim it down:
"When travelin' across western Oklahoma" >>- Passin' through Western Oklahoma
"Then there gonna search your car" >>- The 'they are gonna' lacks a visual and sounds aawkward. Maybe-- pull you over, search you car
"They're sure to find something" >>- This can be better. How about They're sure to find that coke, or They're sure to find four ounces (not sure how many onces it takes to get sent to prison).
I would eliminate this part altogether, and make the second hlaf a bridge. I like the little twist that the narrator is writing from prison.
"Dont waste no time worrying about
All they plant from their trunk
It wont matter none tonight
Your sleep'n on the top bunk" >>- it doesn't really fit
I hope some of my comments will be helpful or at least inspire new ideas
Thanks Andrea!I say it often- but out of EVERY place Ive seen on the internet THIS is the best place for constructive feedback! It a VERY small active group here and thats sad because EVERYONE that writes should be here. I actually feel like some of you are educators in real life- or retired from it-likely backgrounds in writing or music
I do love your suggestions-you identified the place that i also felt were weak and could use improvement as I found myself "rushing" to finish it- I will return to those this even for a rewrite
Again I appreciate yall!
PS- we talk funny in Oklahoma- hehe- so we write that way to- thats where words like "gonna: come in....Its funny-It 1980 I had this American Government and Politics teacher- she followed my posts on facebook awhile all these years later then she finally commented "Only in Oklahoma can you say "Fixin to" and everyone knows what you're talking about
I say words like "fixin to" a ot in everyday language and even typing- if you ever heard my voice you would say 'man what a hick!" I do enjoy writing in a more intelligent fashion though- it allows me to be understood as "ME"Last edited on Thu Jan 21st, 2021 07:29 pm by derrickhand300
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When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
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