View single post by Andrea
 Posted: Thu Jan 21st, 2021 06:07 pm
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Andrea

 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 2059
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Hi Curtis,These are entertaining lyrics, with quite the background story. Sorry that happened to you - it sounds like a perfectly awful experience. Except the final verse, the rhyme scheme holds well (cell and jail do not rhyme. Maybe -- A stop in Beckham County ensures a stint in Hell). The syllable counts are a bit off, so I would try to tweak the lines a bit here and there.

I will start by saying country is not a genre I am too familiar with, so many of my comments may be off base.

V1 L1 seems like a mouthful to sing. I woud trim it down:

"When travelin' across western Oklahoma" >>- Passin' through Western Oklahoma

"Then there gonna search your car" >>- The 'they are gonna' lacks a visual and sounds aawkward. Maybe-- pull you over, search you car

"They're sure to find something" >>- This can be better. How about They're sure to find that coke, or They're sure to find four ounces (not sure how many onces it takes to get sent to prison).

I would eliminate this part altogether, and make the second hlaf a bridge. I like the little twist that the narrator is writing from prison.

"Dont waste no time worrying about
All they plant from their trunk
It wont matter none tonight
Your sleep'n on the top bunk" >>- it doesn't really fit

I hope some of my comments will be helpful or at least inspire new ideas :)



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Andrea
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