|View single post by Taylorm260|
|Posted: Thu Jan 14th, 2021 05:25 am||
|Sat and had me a little drink..
^^^^^ instead of saying little could you use a word that appeals more to the senses? Could you make us taste the drink through your descriptions? That would be really cool.
But just couldn't find anything..
^^^^^ usually in my own lyrics I find "could not" to sing better than "couldn't". It really depends on your melody, but just thought I'd throw out the possibility. Also, "I" may flow more smoothly than "just". Again, though it depends.
An' set aside my pride
^^^^^^ nice rhyme.
Bet you thought you had me at goodbye!
^^^ this line seems ever so slightly wordy to me, but if it works in the melody, then I'd say go for it.
Don't even bother tryin' with another sad alibi..
^^^^ Just an idea, if you wanted to end this line a little differently, you've already glossed over a possible rhyme in the sentence. You could say something along the lines of "I've heard every excuse so girl, don't even try." It works as is, but thought I'd point that out.
Yeah, girl you were my everything
^^^^ or you could show us a scene you may have seen or an example of how stricken you were.
Guess even then I was just your fool!
You can only fool a fool's heart so long
Not going to be your fool any more
^^^^^ at this point, I'm inclined to say you've used the word, "fool" too many times. That's a judgment call tho. It might be cute with the music.
Think i will? Hate to tell ya, but you'd be wrong
^^^^^"That" might make more sense grammatically than "but". Or you could say "but you are wrong".
A cheater's kiss is never true
^^^^^ You might also consider, "a liar's lips are never true."
My new love, ain't she just so cute n' sweet?
^^^^^^ do you need the "just"?
When you said goodbye, then we said hello
^^^^^ do you need the "when"?
An' honey, It's not like I didn't try.
Had it up to here with your honey flavored lies..
^^^^^ hmm. Not sure if I personally love the double honeys or dislike them, but they did grab my attention.... I think I like it. Interesting.
Haha. Cute ending. And maybe I'm just dense, but I didn't pick up on the sass and lightheartedness in the first draft. I personally can read the mood of the song much better now.
Disclaimer: I am a beginner! Take any advice from me with a grain of salt because I probably don't know what I'm talking about!